I ordered a copy of SAA, hope it arrives soon.

My WW has made it perfectly clear that she will be moving out soon. Other than the need to communicate about our 6-year old, there will be periods of time that we wont see or talk to each other. Nothing new really, she has been staying with a friend and is only home occassionally, but more than she will be when she moves out.

She said she doesn't want to get into counseling now or if she even thinks we can work it out (see post "MC Appointment? - NOT!"). I want to think this is the fog talking and she will come to her senses, but I've lived with her for 7 years and once she gets something in her mind, she's gonna do it and deal with (or not deal with) the consequences later.

Is Plan A still an option after she moves out? Can't really be pleasant and charming around her if I'm never around her. Where's that SAA book?

I would like to know too. I have to do plan A because plan B would never work for me. I'm been living 1200 miles away since D-day and I can't seem to find a way for Plan A to work from here. I'm moving back to his area next week but I'm afraid that since I won't be moving home I won't have the opportunity to even see him.

Lost, why do you think she got into this affair? What was your marriage like before this happened? What needs do you think the OM is meeting?

Who is the OM and is he married?

Lost,
Is Plan A still an option after she moves out?
Yes it is.

GoodByeME ,
plan B would never work for me
Why do you think this?\
Plan B works. Either you stay married or you get divorced. Both of these are results of a successful Plan B.

Yes, Plan A can be done while separated....and should be done until the timing is right for Plan B. I know several folks who have done a successful Plan A while separated...so it does work. I won't tell you that it isn't harder...because as you say...you have less opportunity, but sometimes, that makes it easier not to lovebust...so don't be discouraged. It also gives the OM MORE time to love bust...and that can be an advantage as well. How long has she been involved in the A?

MelodyLane,

I think the biggest reasons (emotional needs) for her as to why the A started was our (my?) lack of good communication and the fact that we had started to do less and less together (recreational companionship). I have read His Needs Ner Needs to get a grasp on her possible issues since she wont talk to me about it, and I think these must be the reasons (at least the biggest).

She was bored and had been going out with friends a lot more, and me a lot less, and then the A happened.

Hard to work on these two issues if she refuses to talk to me or spend time with me. Don't know if that will change after she moves out or not.

star*fish,

The A has been going on for at least 2-1/2 months now.

The OM is not married and shares things in common with her (going back to school, going out)

<small>[ July 13, 2004, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: Lost at Exit 93 ]</small>

Lost,
I wouldn't move to Plan B at this point. I would try to stay in Plan A and look for opportunities to fill her needs in order to attract her back. In fact, if I were you, I would certainly discourage her from moving out.

Have you exposed the affair to your families and friends? That would throw a wet blanket on the fun parade!

Believe me, I have certainly been trying to discourage her moving out (probably part of the reason she doesn't talk to me). Except the other day when she made me feel sorry for her and I gave her some money - she used part of the money to set up a trip to KC with her friends. NO MORE LENDING HER MONEY! If she can't afford the Jeep payment later this month, so be it, my credit rating already sucks.

Exposure: My family and friends know what she is doing. Hers do not yet. She has a sister (with 3 kids, each with a different dad) here in town, otherwise she has a grandmother in Oregon and an aunt in California that she is kind of close to, but not that they talk to each other more than twice a year. Of course the friends she is staying with also already know. Her mom died a few years back and she has no contact with her dad. So can't see too much benifit in exposure to her family - who will care?

Hard to expose him also. OM is part time student, not married and I have no clue who or where his family is.

I really don't know how plan B would work for me. It's basically what he wants after all. I have nothing like kids, house, pets that he would be missing. We had a cat but he and his parents refuse to let me have her and besides, the apartment I may be moving into can't have any cats because the roommate has 3 cats with FIV.

As for plan A, even making his favorite food is out of the question once I move there being that the roommate is vegan and I'm vegitarian. It's not as if I could get away with making some meat dish for no reason.

really don't know how plan B would work for me.
It's really very, very simple.
You do Plan B. When you are done with Plan B, you are divorced or back together.
That's all there is to it.

It's basically what he wants after all.
So? This doens't mean you "can't" do it.

I have nothing like kids, house, pets that he would be missing. We had a cat but he and his parents refuse to let me have her
??? What doe sthis have to do with Plan B?

As for plan A, even making his favorite food is out of the question once I move there being that the roommate is vegan and I'm vegitarian. It's not as if I could get away with making some meat dish for no reason.
You would be making the meat dish for your husband. That is the reason.
Have you read "Surviving An Affair"?
Also, read the links below.

My WW moved into her own house in May. I have a PBL ready to go since then. As we are still hashing out a separation agreemeent so I have been in Plan A all along. It's possible do do so, at least to refrain from the LB's. She actually seems to be warming up to me.

At some point as stated, Plan B is the answer. I look forward to it. I'm tired of reading things into her conversations and hanging onto her every word. Then, I will prepare to be a single dad without the distraction, at least minimizing it.

So plan A.....decide when it's time and then plan B. As stated, plan B really doesn't have a down side.

You do Plan B. When you are done with Plan B, you are divorced or back together.
That's all there is to it.

It's basically what he wants after all.
So? This doens't mean you "can't" do it.

Going into plan B for me would mean a certain end of the M and that's not what I want so it's not that I can't do it, it's just not an option if I want to save the marriage.

I read somewhere on here that SH does not recommend plan B for people without kids. Maybe I misread it.

As for plan A, even making his favorite food is out of the question once I move there being that the roommate is vegan and I'm vegitarian. It's not as if I could get away with making some meat dish for no reason.
You would be making the meat dish for your husband. That is the reason.

The only reason I can get this apartment is because I won't be bringing meat into the place.
Besides, when I make anything for him he just says he can't eat it because of his diet.

Have you read "Surviving An Affair"?
No, I can't afford it. My $10 from yesterday is now only $2. I'm also not sure where I'll be in a couple of days so I wouldn't even know where to send it if I ordered it and I haven't been able to find one in this city and I have been looking.

Try the local library. I have seen the book in a few.

Going into plan B for me would mean a certain end of the M and that's not what I want so it's not that I can't do it, it's just not an option if I want to save the marriage.
Why would it mean a "certain end"?
Are you happy with the way it is going now?
Do you see a glimmer of something to make you think it will turn around?

<small>[ July 13, 2004, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Plan A is definately do-able after the WS moves out and in some cases it is easier. After D-Day when my WH was still here it was so hard, he was shut down and unresponsive to everything I said. The constant rejection was so hard, and I cried all the time. The time apart gave me a lot of time to think and figure out what I needed to do. Now I am able to do the Plan A when we communicate without completely falling apart. If I had to face the constant daily rejection I don't think I could have stuck with it.