LINY,
It's great to hear you're making progress and I hope it continues. Please keep posting here and taking the advice you've been getting, some of these folks here really know what they're talking about. I don't know what books you've read but I found 'Not Just Friends' helpful for understanding what's going on. For really good relationship advice try Harley's "His Needs/Her Needs" or "Five Love Languages" (I forgot the author). My H picked up the audiobook since he hates reading and was really happy with it.

Sorry--it was a triple post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 09:13 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

As an update (and a question at the end, especially to any WH who would like to chime in):
Everything that has happened, has happened so quickly in the past two weeks--I'm referring to it like the Twighlight Zone or something. "Fog" is what I've been reading. I like TZ only because there have been twists and turns that even *I* haven't expected.) But it's good to "feel" again with my W--real good.
We had our weekend. Another roller coaster ride of emotions. There's a lot to get out after 6 or 7 years of this (on both ends.) But I'm expressing them. No more stuffing. Mind can't handle that anymore! I still know I need to continually speak with someone professionally--there's just too much I don't understand (those multiplicated questions coming from the few answers I have gotten) that may or may not have little to do with W. BUT, it really was a good weekend--even with all of the negative stuff thrown in there (which really wasn't negative--it was just expressing and communicating over some not nice events in our lives.) W said it was the best "date" she ever had! She deserves to feel special--she is. And I've lost sight of that. (Really? Who would be putting up with all of *MY* s$%@ for this long? I haven't even!)

And then there is this one issue that I'm having a hard time with--the "OW." I brouoght my wife to the site and she's getting the same response as i have gotten and she concurred (I think unanimously): end the friendship completely. Yes, it could have crossed over that line. But it did not. The OW and I made it very understood to each other that what relationship we had/have is just a friendship. (We both know: she is in a marriage and "complacent" with her own situation (even though there are problems she needs to be concerned with) and I am in a marriage which needs a complete overhaul.) No meddling (not even (I think) any interference with feelings.) Just a friend. And the "realistic" implications or solutions to this are not as easy as I have read. What I mean by that is: we work in the same place (her shift is a little different than mine) and have desks within 100 yards of each other. So, my two questions are: if I were to agree with everyone and just "end it completey" how do I do this when I see her on a daily basis? I *WILL NOT* be rude or just ignore her. Will I try to "avoid" her? Until I get my head cleared up a little bit--yes, absolutely. But she is a friend--they don't come by me too often these days for me. I've seen a lot of posts from WW, but if there are any WH that have "been there, done that" I would appreciate. (And *NOT* that I don't from everyone else--you *ALL* have been so very helpful.) But that lightbulb hasn't switched on regarding this friendship. Could it be detrimental to my marriage? Yes. Is it? No. Not with my mindset now. With everything I read on MB, I guess I can make a joke out of it: How many WS does it take to change a light bulb? (I'll let everyone answer that--I'm curious about the answers I get!)

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 09:12 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Double post--sorry.

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 09:11 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

What a story, LINY.

You still need to ditch the OW, quit rationalizing. Your situation is not as unique as you would like it to be...just an excuse to keep seeing her, whether it goes anywhere or not. You were surprised that it even went this far, right? What I'm saying is that you never know. You owe this to your wife that you have now hurt beyond your wildest imagination. It's one way you can "pay her back" for your indiscretion.

The lightbulb question:

How many WS does it take to change a light bulb?

Four.

One to sneak out after everyone is "asleep" to buy it on the maxed out credit card.

One to make sure no one is looking their way.

One to actually change the bulb.

One to act like nothing has really happened, even though the bulb is burning behind them.

^^BUMP^^

LINY - OW is NOT just a friend. She is poison to your marriage. Get that through your thick skull.

There's something else here you seem to be missing.

You said in an ealier post that nothing was stolen from the marriage - that it was gone before the "friendship" with OW.

But that isn't exactly true, is it? Sure, I have no doubt the problems were there before, and that the communication wasn't there. So, you rationalize that since it wasn't there before you started up with OW, nothing was stolen from the marriage or your W.

Problem with that rationalization is - when you started that communication up again, it should have been with W. Since it wasn't, it WAS stolen from the marriage and from W.

If you don't see that, look at your later posts about how much you and W communicated after she found out. The potential was there with your wife - but you chose to take it to someone else instead.

And I don't doubt there were barriers there making it difficult to talk with W - but if those barriers could be overcome after she found out about OW, they could have been overcome before.

And of course, you can't change the past, and none of this is intended to beat up on you for what you should have done. But as long as you keep rationalizing what you did, and justifying that the "friendship" (which it isn't, but others have made that point) doesn't take anything away from your marriage and your W, you don't feel you have to cut off that contact. You are STILL damaging your marriage.

Because you gave OW attention, communication, etc., that should have been your W's, continuing any sort of relationship with OW is poison to your marriage.

LINY - Are you around?

Well said penguin. I agree with ya 100%. NO married person should have NO friend of the opposite sex. That's asking for trouble. My H of 30 years learned that the hard way too. Since i found out about my H A we have also learned communication between spouses is very important. Spend the time ya was giving to the OW on your spouse and your marriage. That has really helped us get thur this emotional time. Ya can find my story on the forum. Please read if ya wanna. That addy is...... http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=033478


This is a GREAT site and it has really helped me alot. Thank Ya.....