I am new here and have a question.

A little history;
I am 54, W is 51, married 18 years. Dday Memorial day 2004. W met Om in chat room 2 1/2 years ago and things progressed to PA early last year.

I found emails and confronted her. She only wants to be with me and ended the affair.

My question is how does one get rid of the obsessive thoughts and pictures in ones head?

We discussed my "obsession" this morning and the negative thoughts are not helping to bring us closer to re-connect. She is right when she says I should channel my energies into positive things to bring us together, like conversing with and paying attention to her and validating her opinions and becoming interested in her conversation. Which drove her away in the first place.

My problem is I get romantic, I think about my wife, and see the Om with her. Then the wave of depression comes over. HELP!

ok, krush, you are expecting way too much too soon. Of course you are obsessed with it, this is the gravest betrayal a spouse can commit. You just found out 2 months ago. You won't get over it overnight.

Tell your W that y'all are in for a long haul and are probably looking at 12-18 months of recovery. I am sorry to tell you this, but this can't be swept under the rug, it has to be dealt with.

In the meantime, she should be doing everything in her power to help her marriage recover, such as rebuilding trust by being completely open in her life.[computer passwords, etc] She should answer EVERY QUESTION you have openly and honestly. Has she done that?

I would also add that finding out about an affair is almost as painful as the death of a child, and no one would suggest that you "get over it" 2 months after your child died.

I am sorry you are here, but just know you are in the right place and will get lots of support here. Welcome to MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Krusht,
I've been there. DDay 2 was Sept '03 for me. Nearly a year later thing are a bit better. Time however is not the only ally here.

IMHO and at the risk of getting the reputation of being Dr Feel Good, I believe that getting on a program of anti-depressants has really helped. Until this past year I've never been one to believe in AD meds.

The right program of meds evens out the rollor coaster of emnothions. No super highs but at least no horrible lows. They don't keep you from having the thoughts or internal visions/video tape but they help even out your reaction.

ADs are especially important if you've ever had other depressive episodes in your life. Depression is progressive so if you've had it before the A brings it back twice as strong and more difficult to treat.

Happy to provide more thoughts on ADs should you desire.

I think a combination of IC and MC is also important so that you can proactively address the issues. Finding a good IC can be difficult. Finding a proM MC is even tougher. My W and I are on our third MC but this one is good. Call around and ask them questions. Ask them if they are proM. Ask them if they believe in codependency. If yes to codepend. do not go. They'll have you and the wife living apart for 6 months which IMHO makes things worse.

The visions related to infidelity are a mild form of PTSD Post Traumatic Shock Disorder. If a IC/MC doesn't view them that way, drop them. For severe cases hypnosis is a viable option IMHO.

Other questions?

Mac

krush, another thing that really helped me regain trust for my H was putting spyware on his computer. That GREATLY alleviated my anxiety and overactive imagination because I could see, with my own eyes, that he was being truthful.

I knew I couldn't just trust his word and this helped immensely because it PROVED he was being trustworthy,I didn't have to rely upon his word. I don't know if that would be helpful in your situation, but it is a tool you have at your disposal.

Hi Krusht...

I know what you are feeling, you need to give yourself some time. You are only a little over a month from D-Day....Tomorrow will be 3 months since D-day and I promise it does get easier. The thoughts and visuals fade. I can actually be intimate with my H and not think of him and the OW but it's only been recently that I've been able to do that. I still have to really concentrate at times to push those thoughts out of my mind.

Only the last week or so the affair hasn’t been an every hour thought I think I am up to a couple 2-3 hours now…lol That to me is progress and it will happen for you also. There are still many many triggers that I have to deal with from day to day. What is most frustrating for me is when an innocent comment my H makes, my thoughts go directly to the affair. Last night was a perfect example.

My and H were playing around and he made a comment that I was the only woman who turned him on. It was like someone opened up the flood gates, because there was no holding back the tears. And his comment was totally innocent. When he realized something was up I explained what happened it was something I needed to deal with because he didn’t mean any harm by it. But I also told him I had that security that once yes I was the only one who could turn him on but he’s taken that security away. I’m lucky because since D-Day my H has been completely honest with me and he’s been extremely patient when I having a “moment” if you will..

Hang in there, I promise it will get easier just give yourself some time!

Hugs,
LJB

When you figure it out let me know!

Out!

RWS,
Sounds like time fades the movie.

We just need to get a time machine and go forward about a year and a half.

Krusht,

I went through this when I was much younger than you. My first wife had an affair while I was in the Air Force. The OM was back home and I sent her there to visit her mom and dad. What a slap in the face! She had so much fun that she went back and we divorced.

Nice for her, but I was stuck in the AF and couldn't escape to some love nest. I lost my apt and had to move on base in the barracks. So I get a 19 yr old roomate to help me cope. Not what I signed up for.

I'm not trying to one-up your story, I have 2 points.

1) I survived, even without her help.

2) You have someone who wants to stick with you.

The images will fade in time.

Krusht -

I feel the same way. I'm well on my way to full recovery. I can tell you that as time has passed I do not think of the A as much as I did in the beginning.

I do sometimes feel like I will never let this go. Like this will eat at me for the rest of my life. I pray at times when I can't stop thinking about it. That does help but there are rare times when it just takes over my mind and those are the times that I cry and feel like I will never be able to completely block this out of my mind.

I try to focus on the good times. That helps. I wish there was something you could do to just make it go away! It's such a terrible feeling.

Krusht,

There is an easy and straight forward way to look at this. Your W had 2 1/2 years to adjust to her situation, her views of her marriage, her rewriting history. She knows all of the why's, how's, and reasons she did each and everything she did. She knows the full story.

You on the other hand have had ONLY 2 MONTHS to adjust to your situation. You don't know all of the why's, where's, how's, and reasons and frankly you will very likely never know all of them. You are having to do this on faith and trust in what she says.

Don't you think it might take you "just" a little longer than 2 months to do this monumental task?? I do, and the data as evidenced by years of posters here says you will. You will need at least 6 months to a year and perhaps longer. During this time as others have said you will adjust, but it takes time.

You might want to point this out to your W. She did things becuase she wanted to and has had 2 1/2 years to adjust. You are doing things because you have to and you have had considerably less time to deal with this, than she did.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

Good way to look at things. Thanks for that.

And thanks for all the other input, it really helps.

None of our friends or family know about the A. I have no one to talk to but the W and the therapist. She (therapist) is good, but a little to casual about the affair. (could be the W too!)

"Affairs happen all the time, they are very common" Her words.

So to have another sounding board with good intentioned, experienced(unfortunately)people really helps.