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Can someone help me see why this is important to tell the OW's spouse? My husband's A has been going on for two years. I haven't told the OW's spouse.
I have been told by H if I do, her husband may hurt her - although there is no evidence of this as a possibilty. The threat to me is that if I do this my H will leave.
I haven't really told many people - To me it feels embarrasing to admit the A. I have three adult stepchildren who I haven't said anything to either. We have a 12 year old who unfortunately overheard my H talking to the OW just recently.
I spend so much time thinking about all of this - two years is a long time.
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So let me get this straight--your choices, in this relationship, are to:
1. Put up with an ongoing affair.
2. Lose your husband if you tell the other spouse in order to stop the affair.
I would tell just to get the affair stopped, and let the chips fall. You are not doing this 12-year-old any favors keeping him or her in this environment where Dad having a girlfriend and a wife seems to be perfectly okay.
Why do you fear to lose this man?
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I don't know what I am getting out of this. I must love him. This just seems so much like an addiction.
It is so hard to hurt her husband like I've been hurt.
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If the shoe were on the other foot, would you want to know?
As for your H's comment, take another look at his reasons why he doesn't want you to have contact.
1. If the OW's H was really that abusive, then you'd be doing her a favor. The OW s/b contacting the appropriate agencies to report her supposed DV issue.
2. If he is being given a line of B S from the OW to make her look like a victim, then he is a fool and you still need to contact the OW's H.
3. If the Ow is being semi honest with him and your H is giving you a line of B S, then you still need to contact OW's H.
See how simple it is?
L.
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(I will assume for a moment that this is not a contrived story.) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by forthegood: <strong>It is so hard to hurt her husband like I've been hurt. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her husband is already being hurt, and you have the knowledge to put a stop to it. Yep, his "hurt" will manifest itself in a different manner in the short term after you tell him, but by not telling him, you are denying him the opportunity to restore his marriage to the state it's capable of. Curious you chose your MB name to be "forthegood." How about actually doing something for the good? I'll bet you end up kicking yourself for not doing it two years ago.
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Affairs need to be stopped; in this case the chore falls to you. Of the 3 of you you are the one most able to initiate its stoppage. You must accept that and not think beyond those two facts.
After you get the affair stopped and weather whatever fallout there is, you can get your feelings about your husband straightened out, preferably in counseling.
Of course, you are not sparing the husband of the OW anything with your silence. The sooner it is stopped, regardless of the fallout, the better it is for all. That is a certainty.
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The consequences are short-term, the benefits are long-term. Do it. Don't let fear stop you. You have nothing to fear from these people.
GC
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Do I tell my H before, after or let her tell him that I told?
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Why is important to tell the OW's husband? Besides the fact that it might put an end to this insanity you are living, you have a responsibility as a human being to give this man something that you have, which is a choice. He already knows in his heart that his wife is having an affair, but without the truth he cannot trust his heart. Do you have any idea what it is like to know somthing inside but not be able to prove it? To believe the lies because you can't find the truth. To doubt your own perception of reality...to think you are losing your mind?
Yes of course you do, you are living it but you know about the affair, so you have a choice - give this man a choice - set his soul free.
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DO NOT tell your husband before you spill the beans. He will alert the OW who will in turn alert her husband that some "whacko jealous broad may try to contact you, Honey, and claim I'm having an affair with her husband! Isn't that bizarre!! You know I wouldn't do ANYTHING like that!!"
But when the poo hits the fan, do not deny you told her husband what he had a right to know.
Good luck and we will help you. Best be prepared with any solid evidence you have and tell him about this site for support. Do not be surprised if he goes into denial and doesn't believe you. Even if this happens, you will have planted doubt.
WAT
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Wish me luck - I'll call him tonight!
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Make sure you state and able to show evidence. E-mails, phone logs, receipts, phone cards, notes, cards, purchases, eye-witness names, recordings, etc.
Speak in a calm manner. State in a calm manner your reason for the call. Let him know how hard it is for you do make this call and ask if he is in a safe place to share some very personal and difficult info. Keep a box of tixxue nearby. It is ok to cry. Just try not to be hysterical.
Do no compromise your stance. You don't have to share all since you don't know for sure his reaction. Just give him enough to prove you are not making this stuff up. Let him figure out how he will deal with it.
All the best.
L.
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You doing the right thing to attempt to save your mariage and the right thing for a minimum of three other people.
Let us know what happens.
WAT
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That didn't go very well. In fact, it was very scary and I haven't even gotten to the part yet when my H finds out. The OM accused me of making everything up. I calmly told him I could give him proof. He is demanding that I give him this information immediately. Help! Do I give it to him - if so how? We do not live anywhere close to each other so it would need to be by mail, e-mail, etc. Does anyone have any ideas.
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"I am afraid"......
sometimes doing the right thing is very scary...
but you do it anyway, because it is the right thing....
OW's H is "demanding" something from you?
How can some man you don't even know make demands of you?
Your H is counting on you to be paralized by your fears.
Why don't you surprise your H... be strong and unwilling to settle for a marriage with a third party involved?
Pep
<small>[ July 15, 2004, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
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Please tell me whether I should give him the proof or let it go.
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Why not give him the proof you have?
Pep
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I'm having a weak day so I am having trouble making any decision let alone a big one. Do you think it would be okay to email the proof to him? He will then have my email address and proof that I sent him the info. I guess it doesn't really matter does it? Sorry I'm not usually so flustered but to have a stranger let go on me like that just rattled me a bit.
Thanks for the input.
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Print the proof out and snail mail him a paper copy... don't put your home return address if you don't wish to.
Pep
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We're not surprised at his reaction. What kind of proof to you have that you can share with him?
Give it to him!! E-mail it, put it in an envelope, depends on what form it's in.
You cannot cower and be meek when confronted by your H. Be strong, back straight, head up, "Of course I told him - I needed to to remove the secrecy. If what you're doing is OK and good, why do you want to keep it a secret? Why aren't you proud of it? I don't think it's OK and I had to tell him for his own good so he has a chance of saving HIS marriage and we have a chance to save ours."
But no matter what you say, your H will have a twisted reason to defend his actions and reactions. DO NOT take offense to anything he says! Remember, you're dealing with an irrational person. OK?
WAT
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