I never thought it would happen to me. My world came crahing down a couple of weeks ago when my husband told me he had a one-night stand with a girlfriend from over 30 years ago. She was just ending a 20-odd year abusive relationship and being still friends she turned to him. They got drunk and you know the rest.

My husband travels a lot and I never had any worries or suspicions about him being unfaithful. We've been married almost 25 years, our daughter is on her own, our relationship was never better, very intimate, great sexually, always open and honest.

This thing happened 8 months ago. He said he could't bring himself to tell me sooner because he felt so guilty. But he couldn't live with it anymore and decided to come clean. When some of our friends were unfaithful with their spouses, I would always tell my husband if he ever did that to me I wanted to know and he would be gone so he knew the consequences.

I have a hot temper and when something upsets me I have a tendency to blow. Surprisingly, this time I didn't. He kept wanting me to say something. I told him my reaction was shock, I really didn't know what to say and I didn't know how to deal with it.

As luck would have it, an emergency came up that very afternoon of his confession and he had to fly out of town. I thought of asking him not to go but, surprisingly again, I didn't. After all, there was no bigger emergency that what I myself was facing. He asked me to go with him. I refused. Looking back, he didn't want me to be alone that night and he also knew the risk of never returning once he was gone. The last things I said to him before he left for the airport was my idea of marriage was zero chances and not to call me.

That night I spent alone and it goes without saying it was the worst night of my life. I was devastated because it took several hours for the numbness to wear away and for it to sink in. I had one-too-many vodka coolers and left several messages on his phone, having blocked out my number and waiting til he had turned it off. I only got about 2 hours sleep that night and phoned him again in the morning. He didn't listen to my messages because he said he felt bad enough what he'd done to me without hearing what he knew I'd be saying. I was calm and civil when I spoke and asked if the emergency was settled so he could come home and we could talk. He said he'd be in later that night.

That afternoon I sat down and wrote out a list of questions for him. I needed answers and if I was to get them I somehow knew I had to be rational and collected. I can't explain these thoughts and actions of mine. They were so out of character. I should have been flying off the handle. I wasn't willing to let our 24 years of marriage be reduced to a shouting match.

Just before he got on the plane, he phoned to see if I had changed my mind. I hadn't. I later got my answers to the list of questions, again very calmly and not in my nature in dealing with things. It was not a shouting match. He asked me why I wanted him to come home after the awful thing he had done to me. The one and only response I had was that although it had taken him months to confess, it still told me he was an honest man and there were no secrets between us. That meant a lot. There was too much time and effort invested in our 24 years together to just walk away without finding out the truth. I'm not condoning infidelity or what he did yet somehow in my state of mind at the time I saw a difference between "loving" for a night and loving for life.

I also asked him what he would have done if I had been the one who cheated. He said he would have walked, no questions asked, no explanation. He said he was really scared to tell me the truth and he has said he is very, very sorry. He said he's never been unfaithful until 8 months ago and he hasn't been unfaithful since. [He still talks to her -she phones him- but he's made it very clear things will never get that far again. Their 30-year friendship remains but nothing more.]

We've talked for hours and he really seems serious and committed about keeping this marriage together, making it even stronger he says. I liken these past couple of weeks to a bomb going off in my life. I, too, want us to stay together. I, though, now have the fallout to deal with, that is the nagging trust question and how to deal with the hurt of my lover and partner, my best friend, breaking my heart. I want to believe it was the strength of our relationship that has pulled me through this. I'm praying for guidance in helping me to make the right choices and decisions and give thanks to the good Lord for keeping me emotionally stable enough and calm to deal with the situation.

I've asked my husband to help me regain his trust and also to be patient with me. Can I forget this? I'll never forget the hurt and disappointment. I can try to put it in the past. Forgiving? If I don't forgive I know I'll never be able to move forward. This is where I need help and advice from others who have been through this thing. I don't know how I have managed to cope these last couple of weeks. I had nobody to talk to. I didn't even find this website until about a week ago.

We have all said these same words at some point in our lives "If my spouse ever cheats on me I will ask them to leave, no questions asked, and I will never look back." In reality, none of us really knows how we will react, until we are faced with it.
Today, when I hear someone say that they could never forgive their spouse for infidelity - my first thought is "you don't know until it happens."
You are right - 24 years of marriage is worth saving.
BUT I will argue one point with you - their friendship can not continue. Now is the time to enforce this. It can nto continue. They crossed the line.
ESPECIALLY with her getting out of a long term, abusive relationship. She has a long road of healing ahead of her. She will get lonely, she will feel depressed, she will look for anyone or anything to make her feel better. she will put the pressure on. I am sure that she is a good person - but she is in a very bad place right now.
And you have a lot of healing to through as well. You will have moments of anger, sadness, shock, horror, you name it. On your husband may some day feel like he is stills orry for what he did, but why does he still need to see you suffer, and perhaps you would be better off without him.......see where I am headed with this?
You say that they are still friends - and that he promises to never go that far again. I say - remove the possiblity. Insist on no contact. As I read your post red flags were going off in my head like crazy.
This can be fixed - but she can not call him anymore.

Yes, their friendship must end. The line has been crossed, and it cannot be undone. And each time he communicates with her, it hurts you, and that is not OK.

My H had his A with my supposed best friend. Neither he nor I can be friends with her again. That is just the natural consequences of their actions.

You can get over this. It just takes time.

SS

mantis,

i wanted to say. i am very impressed with you. i hope you are impressed with yourself. you are a very strong woman who knows the meaning of love!

i wanted to point that out in case you didn't see it for yourself.

i'm glad you found this site. the people here are wonderful, caring and loving. stick around.

Finally Learning
Thanks for the words of encouragement, good to hear I may be getting through this thing OK. You're right you know about the power of love. I never thought I had it in me to weather this out.

Tonight is the first night since husband's confession 2 weeks ago that he is away and it's actually not going too bad. Of course, I still have the thoughts and those blasted images in my head but I try to quickly think of good things and turn those nasties into positive thoughts.

His behaviour has changed and am wondering is it his guilt or am I just reading too much into it. For the past week and a half we have had long talks, quiet and calm, no angry words. We've revisited our discussions about the things we want to do in the future and how together we will carry them out. I've asked a zillion questions and he has answered every one of them without being on the defensive. We haven't eaten suppers at night, we've dined, that is late meals just the 2 of us. We've taken drives together and had long walks. Before he hopped the plane this morning he was feeling frisky so we got lost in our passion for one another until he had to rush in order not to miss the plane. During the first 2 1/2 hours he was gone, he called me twice. Unexpectedly he booked several weeks vacation [he's head of the organization and can do this on short notice]. There will be the odd time, like tonight and tomorrow night, he will have to travel because he is a public person, highly influential and in demand. Next week we are shutting down the business for 4 or 5 days and travelling together to one of his political functions.

Husband has never been one to express emotions verbally because of his upbringing but he actually said "I love you very much" more than once. Wow! I haven't heard those words for a long time!

He's assured me over and over the old girlfriend is not a threat and there has been no meeting with her etc. since the one-night stand 8 months ago. Only communication has been by phone, which I was well aware of all the time as the cell phone bill is an open book and he told me whenever she called and what they talked about. He even lets me check his messages. That, of course, does not 100% eliminate the probability of them ever getting together again, I know, but I think he's trying to give me the security he took away. He and I do see her in passing because it's inevitable given where we live and the position he holds. Others on this website have said no contact, no communication and I hear them loud and clear. I've never been a snoop yet I looked at the cell phone bills over the past several months [never did this before] and the calls have been incoming from her. He does not initiate them. When her number is not blocked, he has told me on many occasions he will not even answer them. Since his confesion, I have insisted that he have no contact with her. It would just renew the hurt and I can't live with it.

His actions and behaviour sure have me stumped because there was nothing wrong with our marriage to begin with. Maybe it's his guilt, maybe it's his trying to regain my trust or perhaps it's his way of showing me everything will be Ok. I don't know He sure is more transparent than ever.

Something very spiritual happened the other day. In other years there was a family of eagles flying over my house and yard. Sofar this summer we didn't see them..But the other day there was one circling high above. I took it to mean maybe my prayers were being heard. In the aboriginal culture and tradition, the eagle represents strength, wisdom and vision and maybe, just maybe, a message was being conveyed. I pray it will be so.

When you messaged me in "Just found out" forum, I wanted to write and share with you these feelings, but being new to this I didn't know where to find Mantis. Tonight I read this thread and it has helped me. Maybe I can try and react the way you have. I want our marriage to work, I know that I'll never forget but I can most likely forgive. I felt like a zombie for awhile and now very mad. It did feel good to yell and scream at him for doing this to us. But it feels much better to be held and loved by him.
Talking things out helps but after today's flip out, I feel like I should be more mature about things and work us, our future not the past.
Thanks.