I've searched the archive and found little on this subject; and although I may be WAY ahead of myself here, I thought I'd ask anyway...

I foresee the subject of veneral disease as a possible REAL LBuster during reconciliation (hopeful thinking here). Any advise as to how this subject is best broached and handled?

I re-entered our marriage after being betrayed under a contract .

He was to be tested for STD's before he came anywhere near me...followed by a six month follow-up ( trust me our GP was not so gentle with them swabs)

LB or not my health is my health...it came down to for me....no test...no marriage...

Max

Thats not a lovebuster. A lb is a disrespectful judgement, angry outburst or a demand. EVen if it were a lovebuster, you shouldn't sacrifice your health to protect the WS from the consequences of her behavior.

Agreed to all of the above. And even people who should SOOOO know better (even read about a WW who was a DOCTOR that had unprotected S with her lover). I did the same. My WH had sex with a woman who lives in one of the most aids ridden countries of the world. YIKES!

Hi Melody & ST,

Agreed that possibly not a REAL LB, but perceptually on the part of WS, a definite "problem" (if you will). Surprisingly, I've found little discussion re. this "problem" here on MB (which struck me a rather curious since it HAS to have been a concern in many recovery scenarios).

Considering, the "sex and affection" EN (and the meeting thereof), I'm not sure how best to handle the "problem" delicately.

Ron, granted, the WS won't like the question, but thats ok. Its not our goal to protect them from the consequences of their affair. We just do it in a firm, respectful way.

I agree. It is not about never making them uncomfortable. It is just about calm, respect, LACK of anger.

There are still boundaries that have to be drawn that are fair and necessary. They just need to be conveyed in a calm, respectful, even-keel, NOT emotionally loaded way.

Hi All,

Thought I "revisit" this topic since the situation (SF) has now arisen. As I anticipated, my bringing up the subject of WW's unprotected sex with multiple partners caused a MAJOR confrontation between us.

WW is adamant that she refused/refuses to "fear" the spectre of AIDS or STD's (this from a Health Care Professional), and does not understand my "sudden" concern "now". Wellll, hard to be concerned "before" because I DIDN'T KNOW!!! Now that I do, frankly, I'm more than a little put off by her lack of concern for MY WELFARE, not to mention her own!

Of course, my relaying this concern to WW was (her term) "hurtful", and eventually caused her to toss her "divorce paperwork" at me followed by her storming out of the room, leaving me with "then just divorce me!"

In a way, she's right. If WE have contracted anything...it's a little late "now"!

Still curious how others have (or are) handling the spectre of sexually transmitted disease while in recovery. This has to be an issue in every situation involving PA, and yet appears to receive little "coverage".

Hi Ron,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Still curious how others have (or are) handling the spectre of sexually transmitted disease while in recovery. This has to be an issue in every situation involving PA, and yet appears to receive little "coverage". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well.... My W had been faithful to me for over 10 years when she finally confessed to additional A's during our first three years of M.

One of the "conditions" that I required before I agreed to start rebuilding our M, was for my W to get a full STD and AIDS test. I asked our MC if this was appropriate and he told me that if I felt that it was necessary, then it was OK.

I expected my W to give me the same things that your W said... it's been so long, don't you trust me?... blah blah blah...

She didn't gripe, she didn't whine, she just made the doctor's appointment and got it done. She went and got the full battery of tests on her own, and when the results came in, she handed them to me and told me how sorry she was for every putting US in this situation... She never said a word about HER embarrasment... just that she was sorry for hurting US ...

Looking back, I'm not so sure if I would have done the same thing... but at the time, I felt that was what I needed to do.

Her willingness to do this for me with no questions or gripes or complaints, really helped me believe in her desire to rebuild our M. So not only was she ensuring that our health wasn't at risk, she also proved to me that she was willing to rebuild our marriage together...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Ron - There have been many discussions here about this subject. But I guess it has mainly been by individuals on different posts.

I know there are several here that contracted HPV, Herpes, and Chlamydia. Also one HepB scare. So far I haven't heard of any HIV stories.

For some reason, WS's almost never use protection. I guess it is part of the crazy thinking.

I was like you. I didn't know WH has cheating for 5 months. When I found out, I went in and got tested. And I'll tell you it was very humiliating to me. All my life I have stuck by the rules - no SF outside of marriage. I never expected to be in this position.

So I say, let her get angry - the facts are the facts.

<small>[ August 29, 2004, 12:03 PM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

Ron,
Expecting your WW to be tested for STD's and AIDS is protecting your own life. It may be a love buster in your wife's eyes. You DESERVE to know that you are safe.

My brother had multiple affairs. He contracted AIDS and DIED as a result. His W is now left with the fear or losing her own life as a result. NO ONE deserves this treatment. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

PLEASE protect yourself. AIDS can be passed on and not show up positive for years.

Ron,

Over the years this has been discussed. Most of the discussions took place on the Emotional Needs section. THere have been a few BS's that found out about the affair via the STD they had. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Let's be clinical for a second.

1. One does NOT necessarily get an STD from someone the first time, the second time, or other times from an infected person. It often occurs when the conditions are "right".

So your W needs to be tested NOW, even if you two have resumed intimate relations.

2. There are many STD's that have virtually no overt symptoms or the symptoms are minor and easily missed, it depends on the individual. These STD's such as Hep-C can come back later and kill or severely damage you.

So your W and YOU need to be tested NOW.

3. It is known that HIV is unlikely to be detectable until about 6 months AFTER infection, and the process of infection is again subject to specific conditions.

So your W and YOU need to be tested NOW. and again in 6 months.

In short, your W's behavior is reprehensible but not unheard of. She is facing "some" of the consequences of her behavior.

My feelings on this are really very simple: TOUGH if she does not like it. This is one item that is NOT negotiable for either of you. Get tested and if she won't then it is clear she doesn't care if she kills you or not. Divorce someone with that sort of attitude, if it prevails.

You did NOT LB. You did hurt her feelings. Too bad, this is not about feelings, it is about life and death, and the death can be very very painful.

Don't argue with her, don't bargin with her, just TELL her this MUST be done.

God Bless,

JL