Need some timely advice on my last post. Haven't heard from anyone.

"Thanks for your post CWMAC.

I'm thinking I should use our pastor as the first step towards counseling. It's what I'd feel comforable with. Anyone have thoughts?

Also, we started filling out our MB questionaires on personal history, emotions, and love busters last night. We got through 2 out of 3. One of the questions was how many people had I had sex with. She's ready to talk about the questionaires. The truthful answer to this question would reveal what I've done. So should I go over this now or wait til we're with the pastor for example?? Appreciate any quick responses.

FYI, I quickly reviewed "How to Survive an Affair." Section 4 has so many similarities its almost scarry. I'm optimistic about all of this. That doesn't mean anything will be easy.

Distressed "

If you are filling out the questionaires, I would be truthful. Otherwise what good do they do?

Distressedhubby ...

I'll respond later, have a busy day but maybe I can listen and help.

Thanks Mantis, trying to wait patiently....

It won't matter when I tell her this, I know she will be devastated. I know she thinks our marriage is hunky dory with no significant issues. Her biggest issues with me, as far as she is concerned, is I don't pick up my socks every once in a while.
The more I read other posts and study Dr Harley's material the more confident I am about explaining the past, especially looking at his responses to letters in Part 4 of "How to Survive Infedelity". When I commited my thoughtless act, I'd say I was about at my lowest low. I felt neglected, that I wasn't her number one. What p'd me off to no end was I finally communicated how I felt, I made sure that she understood, but there was no change in her behavior. That p'd me off and made me think she didn't care. Of course, there are no excuses for what I did, I know that, I'm just trying to understand why I did what I did. I'd always thought I was the one with the problem but now I'm thinking that its just not all me. That fact that I felt I was "missing something" may have contributed to what I did.
So why is it weighing so heavy on my conscience now? Part of it is because I feel like she has started(keyword) to get better at meeting my emotional needs, and I have reconciled/repented to God. I just can't keep a clear conscience knowing I've kept this dark secret from her. But I fear the pain too.
Distressed

distressedhubby ...

Just came in to check the phones and e-mails and thought I'd check this site too. Your statement "I'm just trying to understand why I did what I did" jumped out at me 'cause I'm still grappling with the same question re: my husband's one-night stand. Maybe you can give me a man's perspective on why things like this happen since I'm at a loss to figure it out. Our marriage was never better. He said it was not my fault and had nothing to do because of me or us??!! You know, I feel insecure because he took away my security and I told him that. I feel threatened even though he's tried to assure me over and over again that I have nothing to fear. He's out of town til Friday night and it's hard for me here being alone. But, he's only been gone since 11 AM and it's only 1:30 PM and he's already called twice. He's never done that before. Til later ...

Mantis,
Although there are differences in our situations, I hope we can still help each other. You're wondering why your H had a one night stand (ONS)? I went back and reviewed your original post.

It's clear that his reason(s) can't be the same as mine. He said it had nothing to do with you or your marriage. I'm saying that it did for my ONS. Our 2nd of two kids was about 6 mos old. They were number one instead of me. I'm just not sure I see what I call "the twinkle in her eye" for me. That may be a bad perception. I just don't know. Other differences: he new the OW from the past, I didn't, he had post contact with the OW and I haven't. You also said, "our daughter is on her own, our relationship was never better, very intimate, great sexually". Our situation was quite the opposite. In short, your H is probably the only one that can answer your question. But he may be hard pressed to give you a logical answer too.

Question: He had to leave town for an emergency and that was the longest night of your life. You said you were lonely. My wife has to leave town for the last 10 days of this month. Shouldn't I pick a time when she will be home?

Another question: Maybe it'll help me understand what to expect out of her when I tell her, but I'm curious as to what types of questions you had on your list to ask him.

Lastly, nowhere have I seen that you have had any counseling. How/when/what circumstances would be best for me to tell her??
Distressed

distressedhubby ...

Just posted to "husbands' confession". Please read to find out what's happening with me lately.

Re: your questions. The emergency that took him out of town was an unfortunate coincidence. I didn't really want to be alone yet I refused to go with him. On the one hand, it was my time to scream, yell, rant, vent etc, you know get it out of my system. On the other hand, I'm thankful it happened that way because, as I said before, I didn't want the situation reduced to a shouting match. Why do you think my husband did not want to hear the messages I left on his cell phone? I've always been a strong, independnet person and my husband knows that. I am a survivor and can make it on my own with or without him. It was totally my decision. What I didn't say in my earlier post was that he was ready to move out, having anticipated my stance on cheating. Of course, he just wanted the upper hand in the situation. He knew all too well the consequences. He has since told me he was scared because he didn't know what to expect from me.

I must admit I totally surprised myself and could not believe how much control I had. The night he came home he told me he missed and loved me. That's when I brought out the questions. I prefaced them by saying I didn't want details but I had to know certain answers before I could make a decision.

Depending on your wife's emotional and psychological state, I wouldn't adisve you give her the news when she's out of town. The thoughts I had and the pictures I saw in my mind that night were unbelievable. Don't put her through that. Stay with her, hug her, comfort her, just be there. Don't let her be alone.

I was devasteated when my husband told me, numb and in shock. I couldn't beleive it. There are still lots and lots of questions I'm asking but some of them I asked were:
* Why did you take so long to tell me?
* Does she love you?*
* How many times did this go on?
* Do you love her?
* How do you and her feel about what happened?
* What can you do to help me regain your trust?
* Is she a part of your life and so also mine?
* Who do you want for your partner, me or her?
* What is your vision of what you see as our
relationship and our marriage?

Then, and only then, did I tell him that although it took months I appreciated his honesty. That was the only reason he was standing in front of me. I told him it meant there were no secrets or lies between us. Looking back it was truly a test of our love for one another. I then asked for his help in regaining his trust, his patience with me while I coped and the time to put this behind me and forgive. It took him 8 months to come clean and he couldn't expect me to forgive easily.

No, I haven't had any counselling. I only found this website after all this took place. We live in a small, close-knit town. My husband is a prominent political figure, popular and well-respected. I had no one to talk to because I've always felt my business was just that. Please read what's on this website. Others have gone through it and I'm sure they can be a source of strength and support to you.

I still love my husband dearly. Yes, he hurt me, he disappointed me. He acknowledged he broke my heart, was so sorry and remorseful and was surprised at my reactions and willingness to keep our marriage together. He risked a lot by being honest. It was his love for me that finally got him to open up and my love for him that saw this marriage was worth saving. We are from the old school: When we said I do, we did.
He and I have been through a lot of tough times over the last 24 years, nothing like this though. It was really and truly a test of our love for one another.

Pray to the good Lord for strength and guidance in your choices. He is a forgiving God and hopefully your wife will see to forgive you as well.

Til later ...

DH,
Sorry for the slow reply. Sometimes if you don't get a response. Enter a "bump" response that brings your thread back near the top. When I'm at work I miss some of the threads.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm thinking I should use our pastor as the first step towards counseling. It's what I'd feel comforable with. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's good that you feel comfortable with the pastor. That's a start.

My W and I used a pastor at first. It wasn't a good experience bc he didn't have any training on MCing. He gave some bad advice. It actually st our recovery back.

In your case your the FWS so it may be OK bc you want to get the truth out on the table. In my case my W led thru her teeth to me and the pastor.

He had us write a letter to each other giving general details of how we've sinned against ea. other. The asked for forgiveness and gave forgiveness.

Lies all lies from my W. It really turned me off to her and her "Godly" heart.

If I were you I'd go have a prelim meeting with pastor. Tell him your secret and ask him how he will proceed to help you and wife.

Mac

<small>[ July 15, 2004, 12:34 AM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Mantis, CWMAC,
Thanks! Mantis, I did review your last post in "husbands confession." Sounds like you are on the road to recovery. I wish you the best! I know my W will get through this if she loves me as much as you love your H. At least from my perspective Mantis, if my wife were to ask me those same questions you listed, I could answer every one of them. You said, "Stay with her, hug her, comfort her, just be there. Don't let her be alone." Yep, that's right up my alley. But I'll definitely wait until she gets back from her trip. In the meantime, I'm considering the prelim meeting with our pastor.
Distressed

Distressed,
I tried to stay away from your post because it just hits a little too close to home. After reading it the 2nd time, I realized that the only reason we are here is to help each other and so here I am...

Your situation is almost exactly the same as the one that I found myself in 2-1/2 years ago. without rehashing everything, my H had a week of infidelity with another man's wife at a neighboring military base. I had NO idea that this had happened and was TOTALLY blindsided when he eventually bacame so eaten up with guilt that he confessed.

My H went to our pastor who advised him to NOT tell me, but to work on communication and our marriage and consider himself forgiven by God. as you can imagine, this was HORRIBLE advice... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> As long as the affair is a secret, there is a brick wall that can never be penetrated in your relationship. I understand that you already know this and that you know that you must tell your W.

DO NOT leave anything out. Tell her the truth on the front end. DO NOT think that by lessoning the details of what you did, you can spare her feelings. I very often hear WS's and counselors say that they do not want the BS to know everything because it would cause too much hurt. My friend, the hurt has already been caused, you cannot take that part back. You must move forward to begin to heal the tear in your marriage that you have caused.

I am not trying to make this worse, but by being honest you will regain some of the self respect that you have lost. Your marriage can possibly be saved if you take the steps to rebuild now.

Mu H and I are recovering from his A and I believe that we will stay married. We will be married 25 years next month. I will tell you that after d-day, I thought of suicide or killing him alternately. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> This was the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me personally. (that includes having cancer...) Expect a long road to recovery but know that as a Christian, you are doing the right thing by being honest. Your W deserves that from you.

Please be careful about taking advice from clergy, sometimes they are very ill-prepared to deal with this. You KNOW that to salvage your marriage you must be honest and you can do it.

Be patient with your W and her reaction. It will be hard, give her a lot of time and listen and answer every question that she asks. Do not involve any other family or friends. I have seen a lot of people make this mistake only to find recovery difficult when they take sides and offer advice. Keep this between you and a professional.

I'm sorry to have rattled on so long, I just felt that I needed to respond and let you know that your marriage can recover. I'll be praying for you, Ladysing

Lady,
You said, "As long as the affair is a secret, there is a brick wall that can never be penetrated in your relationship. "

You've got me figured out pretty good. A couple reasons why I think I've felt the guilt so strong all of a sudden after a year has passed: 1) As our youngest gets older, I think things are just beginning to get a little better. ie. She is beginning to show me a little more affection. 2) I know that we can have the strongest marriage possible but it can't happen for me if I'm living in a lie to myself.

"Your marriage can possibly be saved if you take the steps to rebuild now" I respectfully disagree. I see how our marriage can come out much stronger than it was beforehand. I dread the long dark valley that I know it will have to go through first though. I see so many signs on MB's and have briefly reviewed course material Dr. Harley has to offer. It all makes so much sense.

As for the pastor, now I'm even more reluctant to do that. That was just the "best" option that I felt comfortable with.
Distressed

Dude, Ya have to tell her.

Start slow, let her set the pace, but full disclosure is important. Don't hold back to save her feelings, the hurt has already been commited.

thats my 2 cents....

[QUOTE]Originally posted by distressedhubby:
[QB] Lady,
You said, "As long as the affair is a secret, there is a brick wall that can never be penetrated in your relationship. "


"Your marriage can possibly be saved if you take the steps to rebuild now" I respectfully disagree. I see how our marriage can come out much stronger than it was beforehand. I dread the long dark valley that I know it will have to go through first though. I see so many signs on MB's and have briefly reviewed course material Dr. Harley has to offer. It all makes so much sense.

HUH? Now I'm confused... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
As I said, your marriage "can possibly" be saved by taking steps to rebuild. I think that you agree with this based on what you said, but you also said that you disagree...

I would encourage you to read as much as you can here. Not just the forums but the information printed by the Harleys. Many MB'ers have been through this on both sides of the fence, and many marriages have recovered. My best to you, Ladysing

Been out of town for the weekend on a family trip.
Lady, sorry for the confusion. I just feel confident that our marriage will come out stronger than it was before. That's all.

All,
My wife has to leave town for work this week. I'll wait, based at least partially on some of your advice, until after she gets back to drop the bombshell. I'll hire a babysitter for the night and the two of us can be alone to get through it. In the meantime, think I'll write out my confession in the form of a long letter. Will update all of you later.
Distressed

DH,


Good luck to you. Remember she'll be very angry. Try hard not to rationalize. Later in the recovery process then the two of you can work on the pre-A issues/ resentments that may have led to but did not cause the infidelity.

mac

Mantis, CWMAC, and others who have talked to Distressedhubby...this is distressedhubby's wife. Well, what I thought was going to be a romantic getaway turned out to be the worst day of my life. I had packed my bags,said bye to the babysitter, and was giddy with the knowledge that we were about to have some time to ourselves. I thought it was so romantic. What a fool I was. I remember (it seems like ions ago, when it was only yesterday) telling him that this was going to be so fun! He said, "no, it's not". I remember telling him, "don't say that, we're going to go over the questionnaires and we can really learn more about each other." When we got to the hotel room I told him again that it would be fun and we could have some "romantic time". He sat me down at the table in the room and gave me a letter detailing what he had been up to for the past couple of years. Several brief sexual encounters one including sexual intercourse. He had attached some of the correspondences he had with you guys. I don't know what to say. I feel so hurt, betrayed, angry, disappointed. I thought that we had something special and have come to the realization that I was SO naive. I thought nothing could touch us. I have never been with anyone else and don't want to be. He is my best friend. I NOW know that he has LOTs of emotional needs and that I will have to make sure that I give him the attention that he needs. I am tortured by the details (of which I've asked for) of his one-night stands. He is my best friend and I have this yearning to be close with him yet my heart can't handle the pain that he's caused. I asked him did he ever think about us while he was doing these things. Of course, he didn't have an answer. I feel like I don't even know him. Things were really starting to be enjoyable for both of us... I was getting a handle on getting the children to bed at a reasonable hour, putting off unnecessary housework, and last but not least actually seeking intimate time together. How will I ever trust him again? He kept this secret for over two years...

DH wife -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Sorry you have to be here, but it is a good place to be under the circumstances. Sorry your romantic getaway was ruined.

You have a lot of things in your favor. Your husband confessed. Most of us betrayed wives never had that happen. Our WS's continued to lie, even when confronted with undeniable proof.

Don't let him sweep this under the rug. You both need to fully understand how this happened, so that it will not happen again.

Stick with us, we will help you through this.

Thanks believer for responding. We have talked some about how this could've happened. I foresee several late night talks. How am I ever going to recover the romantic feelings for him...especially since that is so much of what he craves?
I can't see every forgetting what has happened.

HaHa. Every lady is looking for prince charming. And I think that when we have good husbands, and have been lucky, we always dream of someone better.

I have been through a lot of horrible relationships. So I know what is out there. But many of these women have been sheltered by their husbands and have no clue.

Hang in there guys.

Mrs DH,
I just saw your post.

I know you're hurting as I've hurt. I can't really say any magical words that'll make the pain go away quickly.

As Believer said you have a number of things working for you. You have a H who, although he made a terrible mistake with his ONS, loved you enough to tell you the truth. He realizes that continuing forward with the continued lying is waste of everyone's time.

He wants to turn things around and change the dynamics of the marriage. Yes he lied to you that's what scared people do. They lie.

I've read numerous marriage infidelity books. One of the generalizations that they make is that betrayed husbands have more difficulty forgiving the sex vs the emotional attachment while wives react in the opposite fashion. Easy for them to say right?

In my case my wife had both. She fell in love with her OM. Had sex with him. The EA got so strong that she lied in the face of nearly irrefutible truth. As a man I guess I do have the most trouble with the fact that she wanted to have sex with another man. The fact that she loved him, thought of marrying him and probably still thinks of him as her true soul mate is a close second.

I had thought about having ONS. A few oppurtunities arose but never quite right. I rationalized that bc my wife refused (yes refused is the right word) to meet my SF needs that it'd be ok especially if I never had the emotional attachment.

Of course I was wrong but that's an indication as to the level of resentment that had built up. There were other resentments on both sides that built up scar tissue.

My wife and I thought we communicated but we really didn't. I made assuptions as did she.

You may find yourself in marriage limbo over the next few weeks. Try not to make any rash decisions. Take your time. Spend time with your H. Get to know each other again.

Go see a counselor for yourself and then for your marriage. If you feel depressed, and I'd be surprised if you didn't, then discuss anti-depressants with an expert. (I'd suggest psych over a GP)

Whatever you do keep the kids out of it. Once the secret slips from your lips no one can put it back. Although this is a crises, you and your H can get thru it. If in a moment of self pity you drop a hint to your children, you can completely change their lives. I know. I got close to telling a 17, 15 & 12 yo that "mommy was a sl@!" Thank God I didn't.

I wish you well on your journey.

Mac