well today I saw my wife leaving her boyfriends house. she say me and pulled up next to me and we talked. I said how can you do this and look at your self and she said it is not easy and as if you didn't know about this....... I got tired of the manipulation and control of me... I called her and said we need to split the bills. She said are getting an apartment i said no I am going to stay in your parents duplex(they live in the other) she was not happy saying that is her family. I said that your dad offered,I did not go seeking. I said I am thinking about me and the kids. they will be better off there with a support group instead of a new apartment. with my work schedule it will be easier on them and me until i figured out what i am going to do with my life---school or another job. More affordabel for me their. the kids have a pool ,play ground and 4acres of land to run with a cousin living next door. I told her you have put me in this position I did not want to make. When I talked the me talk and said you know what I mean because your life is about you and not me or the kids she had nothing to say. She wanted me to move out but where she wanted me to move. did not want parents to get involed. She said that I have cut her off from her family. I said I did not you dad offered .She said we could do this the right way with out them. she does not want them to know about the affair and partying. But her family knows that she has a drinking problem. She screws up every time she starts this.It goes in cycles. She said that we will sit down and divide bills and that she will divorce me and will deliver me the papers. I said ok. 2nd affair in one year. She said that it scares her that she can fall so fast. how can she think i cut her off from her family, her actions will do that alone,they offered and i accepted.this will be my plan b. Her father says she needs tough love and the only way to get her back to let her run(if i get her back) he runs a rehab and he knows about the alcoholic mind state with blaming others for your problem and manipulation. I hope I did make a mistake. I said the problems that the kids will have because of this is on you shoulders because of your choices not mine. I did not choose this for our family. I said I wanted to try and love you and work things out but you are not going to treated me like this anymore.she use words like, pathetic idiot, not a real man, real men dont do this, you need to make more money, find a better job..anything to cut me down. and usually when she would do this I would give in to her. It felt good to do this. This probable make things worse between us but it will put more stress in her life and maybe speed up her down fall. she said I will never forgive you for going to my parents.She is partying and running around on me and wants to divorce me cause I will stay next door to her parents.She knows if I move in she will look like the bad guy. She wants to live like this with as few consequences as possible. you know I still want to work things out with her. I love her very much. 2nd guessing myself though. If she divorces me she will say because of going to her parents duplex and any chance we had of working things out is gone. She said that before. We will not have a chance if you go there but then says I do not know if I want to stay with you so you should move on. Manipulation and kept on a string.I said once we get the bills split up I will no longer have any contact with you except for the talking about the childre and financial questions. You have been wanting your space and time for a couple of years and I am giving what you want. I need to back away from you so i can move on. She said that hurt her feelings because she still wants to be friends and a part of my life. Friends, heck I want my wife back. I said if you really need someone to talk to I will listen but other than that ,that's it. I will not go over and cook out for a get together. I am showing her how to operate the lawn mower and clean the pool this weekend. What I have told suprised her because I rarely take a stand like this. Her yellow brick road of time and space has broken up friendships and a family. Her boyfriend is a friend of mine and the brother of a couple we used to hang out with.

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 08:13 AM: Message edited by: swimming alone ]</small>

They all say and do the same things. If it wasn't you moving next to her parents, she would find something else. Right now I would do what is best for the kids.

creatures of habit i guess

1. ALANON
2. Plan B...good letter with total removing of oneself from her chaos
3. documentation of her comings/goings/drinking...
she is not capable of being stable in the childrens life...you need to be very wary of her seeking custody....
4. alanon today
clear arrangements for her to see the children...you may need to petition for surpervised visits based on the alcohol abuse...

you did good not caving in to her attacks...

ark

yes i will go to alanon. and it was hard standing up to it but it sure felt good. once she saw that her manipulation did work she back off and lost her power. it sure was nice being the in control of the situation. thanks good advice

be very proud swimming...

woman love men who are strong in their conviction and do the right thing in the face of insanity..

EVEN when we can't see or appreciate it...
even when we orchestrate the chaos..

when someone ( a spouse) escalates and shows poor control...the whole thing is lost when is the other spouse does the same..
but when the other spouse stands strong and firm in what is right.....

that's cool....

build on it each time it will get easier...

mr. ark is a master at maintaining control when "someone" else is wigging out...'

hhmmmmw wonder who that would be...............

ARK

thanks, that was always one of my wives complaints about me is that I did not stand up to her enough and let her walk all over me. hopefully she will respect me and continue cause I am not backing down. I realized that I do have the powere not to let someone control me. just cause yu love them does not mean they can walk me

hopefully swimming..
you will respect yourself first..
then nothing will stop you...

ark

that's true, I have finally realize that I did not deserve to be treated like this and that no one has the right nor permission to disrespet me.I love my wife but if I do not demand respect I am not going to get, especially from her. I also realized that although I love my wife I do not need her in my life to happy although I choose her to a part of it. I think there is more power in the choice and more complimental

Swimming,
Its good to see your handling your business.
The best way to get respect is to be firm and demand it. I'm putting myself in a position to do just that. I have 2 kids and their stability and peace of mind are my driving forces, not to mention I can't allow her to drag me down...FOG or NO FOG.

Good luck and way to go friend.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

SA, you are a lucky man in one key aspect: your FIL. He understands the alcoholic mind and that can be an enormous help to you. Plan A simply is of no avail to a practicing alcoholic because their problems do not stem from unmet needs. It is IMPOSSIBLE to meet the needs of an alcoholic and practicing Plan A with them is only an enabling tool for them.

They simply do not react the same or have the same feelings as a non-alcoholic so Plan A ends up defeating the purpose. Your FIL is right, tough love is the only thing that works with a alcoholic, anything less is harmful to them and harmful to you.

I should also add that I am a recovering alcoholic with 19 years of sobriety. The reason I am sober today is because my XH loved me enough to give me a much needed kick in the [censored]. I am here because of tough love, nothing less would have worked.

So, do your W a favor and listen to your FIL. She might be on here in 20 years thanking you for kicking her in the [censored]!

thanks for the replies. I feel as if I have done the right thing. my FIL has been explaining to me about the alcoholic personalty and I realize alot of the things she would complain about me was her trying to find happiness in trying to fix me. I really can be less angry at her for what is going on because of my better understanding of the alcoholic.It not her it is the sickness. My wife has said I know what I am doing is wrong but I cannot stop. she really has not control. she thinks this affair is a fix for her. It helps to look at her sickness and not at what she is doing because I know she really does not want to be hurting me and the children. But still she is wrong