Supposedly, OM and his wife are planning on calling the sparrow on the phone to establish NC either tonight or tomorrow. He could not get on board with doing a letter, so this is the compromise.

If and when the sparrow gets dumped (I still think it's a biiiiiig if and don't trust OM to be able to maintain NC), if she doesn't reach out to me she's going to need the support of her family. She's also going to need them to discourage her from pursuing OM, though there isn't a lot they can do about that. So my question is, should I warn her family that this is about to happen? Should I wait until it has happened, then let them know? They have asked me not to contact them. They support me fully, and occasionally call to see how I'm doing, but hearing from me causes my MIL too much sadness, she says. In this case, I'm worried about the sparrow feeling too alone. The ILs have made their disapproal of her A known, and she has grown isolated from them. If they know she's in trouble, they can lay off the judgement and offer her some kindness.

I can call SIL, I can call MIL (she won't like it), and I can email the sparrow's stepfather to get this done. I just don't know whether I should do it or when I should do it.

GC

See what she does first.

Based on what you said about your R with your in-laws, I'd suggest that if you tell anyone, you tell your SIL and let her relay the message. Be short and 2 the point. Tell her you love your W and want 2 restore your M. Nothing more.

I bet she'll call you soon, maybe even before calling her family (pride). What will you do then? (since you're still in plan A, this is not necessarily a simple 2uestion).

-2long

GC,

KEEP OUT OF THIS COMPLETELY. That is my advice, you can only do harm and you yourself admit you really don't know that OM is going to do this or not. Frankly, it is not your business. She has to deal with her family, with her friends, and with you if she choses to. She may not.

Frankly, you are just an interested bystander in the drama that is her affair. You could say you are the interested victim, but in either case, you are NOT in that relationship with her parents or even OM.

Stay out, do a good plan a when you get the chance, if you have not gone to plan b. If you have gone to plan b stay there until all of this is over.

You want her back because she wants to come back, not because she is PUSHED or TRICKED back. Just stay out of this now.

Those are my humble opinions.

God Bless,

JL

Careful Gray - your wife made her choices and she must deal with the fallout. You can not be her rescuer, because what would she gain in the long run? She needs to go through this alone, this is her journey and she needs to navigate it in her way. She has a hard lesson to learn about life, so let her learn it, and be humbled.

Be a friend when she comes to you, not a father figure.

Weaver

Thanks, JL. I truly don't mean to do anything manipulative. I am concerned that if she feels too isolated, if this thing happens, she could do something destructive to herself. I only want to protect her. I'd regret my inaction forever if she did something stupid because she felt there was nowhere to turn. I wish there was some way I could give her family a simple message - be there for the sparrow, she might need you badly - without being a meddler. But maybe the only way I can help is to be there if she chooses to reach out to me.

And you're exactly right. I'm currently nothing more than an uninvolved outsider with a vested interest in what happens. I've said it many times to my friends and family.

I'm still in plan A, technically. She's nearly Bing me, but when I have communication with her, it's plan A all the way, and I've done very well at it for the past 6 weeks. She likes me right now.

GC

Weaver, it's interesting you should bring up the "father figure" issue. I have felt a little that way in our relationship. Sparrow lost her father to cancer as a teenager, and I remember her best friend telling me before we were married, you're going to be a father figure to her in a small way.

I know I need to keep my fingerprints off these events. I'm just terribly concerned for her. She's so alone right now, and will feel even more alone if OM carries out his plan. I don't want to spare her the pain, I just worry she won't have the support she needs when the pain comes. She's been ostracized by many of the people she's going to want to lean on.

GC

Gray - you've got a good head on your shoulders and you'll know what to do as the situation unfolds. I agree with the others, but don't be afraid to act on your good instincts if they tell you differently.

Hopefully, your Plan A efforts will prevail and she'll feel safe coming to you. First order of business - give her a long, firm, silent hug.

WAT

GC,

To put what WAT said in another words. THIS IS WHY YOU USED PLAN A. IF A ends you have given her a safe haven to come to, IF SHE CHOSES TO DO SO. Let it be her choice.

JL

Gray

You are so sensitive and caring.

Of course you would like to protect her from doing anything rash. But, this fallout MUST happen to her. It is part of the death of the A. She will finally be forced to FEEL something. I wouldn't warn her family at all. Try to resist the temptation to help the sparrow. See what she does first. I'm sure you will make the right choice when the time comes.

I think what I was getting from your desire to step in a protect your wife was that it reminded me of a guy I was engaged to in my early 20's who was always trying to "rescue" me. He thought he was helping me (because in his eyes I sure needed it). I took it as arrogence on his part, he always made me feel like I was not quite okay the way I was. He made all the important decisions and I always thought that he thought I was less than him in so many ways. I ended up resenting this guy in a big way and finally broke it off.

Your wife is a big girl, have faith in her ability to take care of herself. One of the things she will learn after this is all over is who her "friends & family" really are, and this is a good thing to learn.

Hang in there buddy, everything is going to be okay.

You have to let this go, Gray. If your wife were to find out that you called her family and warned them she was getting dumped - it would NOT be a good thing. Not to mention that if it doesn't happen - her family may bring it up, etc etc...

This isn't your responsibility - nor is it your area to DO anything in.

You need to concentrate on you and detach from this situation until/if it lands on your front porch.

Okay, then. Thanks everybody. This is why I come here.

silencio

Another reason for silence:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I still think it's a biiiiiig if and don't trust OM to be able to maintain NC </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't want to get involved in this particular rollercoaster.