I was doing so well in my Plan A and then...the bombshell, EA turned into a PA. I can deal with this pretty well most of the time but today I am having some trouble. I told her that it didn't change my feelings regarding her but...I have come to realize that I am an emotional abuser and that this is what is causing her to stay away. This, I am having trouble with. Now, my wife and I talk alot, about alot of different things. I have taken to pouring my heart out to her regarding my thoughts, feelings regarding my awakening to the above named fact (emotional abuse). I feel like my whole plan A is screwed...I just keep telling her everything I am feeling. Help, help, help.

Does she view this outpouring as a LBer? While there are general rules for Plan A everyone's is going to be slightly different. I think what it really boils down to is you want to avoid LBers at all cost and most importantly be the best you that you can be. None of us have the ability to wake up one morning and decide that from that day forward we will be perfect. It doesn't work like that. You just have to put your best side forward.

I'm not really familiar with your story but make sure that the giver in you is in control and that you keep your expectations to a minimum.

Best of luck to you and always remember that IT'A A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. E, I haven't really posted my story but here is it now (fairly long).

Me: One Man’s Story

Hm, nice title, not such a nice story.

My wife and I are high school sweethearts. We’ve been together for 17 years, married for 15. We became parents early, my wife was 15 (I was 18 and am now 34) when she got pregnant with our son which was the beginning of our long struggle. Our relationship was always one of fight and make up. We loved each other and thought that love would conquer all in the end.

Things in our marriage were what I would call, pretty typical of young marriages…some jealousy, yelling, loving etc. We didn’t really know who we were or what we were doing. Fast forward a couple of years and my wife had a PA. I was very hurt but didn’t really deal with it. I ranted and raved but never really talked to anyone about it, including my wife. One of the first things I said to her after she told me about the A was that we were just going to pretend that this never happened. She said that this was not acceptable but I basically ignored her…I thought that this is what I needed to do to get on with my life. If I could only see!

A few years later our daughter was born and I separated from the Air Force. We moved back to where our families lived. We had both taken some college classes but we both jumped in with both feet. Both of us going to school full-time and I was working part-time. She supplemented our income by donating plasma (hey, paid for the bread you know). We continued our fight and make up relationship but things began to really get ugly. I have always had a problem with my temper (not bad often but when it was…watch out) but now things began to get ridiculous. I started yelling and screaming all of the time. I started calling my wife names. The thing is, is that I saw what I was doing yet couldn’t stop – or should I say wouldn’t.

We did see a therapist and after a while I was diagnosed with depression, as my wife had already been. I began to take anti-depressants and things got a little better. I wasn’t yelling and screaming all of the time but the name calling didn’t stop.

She stuck by me for 11 years like this. It wasn’t always bad but as time progressed; my name calling became nastier and nastier. Finally, last summer (03) my wife sank into a deep depression and basically moved out of our bedroom. She said it was because of my snoring and I took it for that. I had no reason to believe that I had anything to do with it. Well, in November my wife started chatting online and by February, she had chatted and met with several men…I had no clue. Looking back, I see that the clues were there, I just didn’t want to see them. In February, she met a man that she is still seeing. I didn’t find out until May (dday was May 27) and had all of the natural reactions toward it. Anger, rage, sadness, betrayal etc. A few days after I found out, God came to me and brought me some peace. A few days after that, I found this site and started to finally see that, although my wife made the choice to find a boyfriend, I contributed toward her decision by not meeting her needs.

Now, I just found out that very recently, their EA has turned into a PA. I wasn’t really surprised but kind of had to drag this information out of her. I was very hurt (needless to say). We have had a long conversation (no, not a fight) regarding this. I told her that while I don’t like this fact, I have no control over what she does. I did just ask her not to sleep with him anymore because this puts me at a big disadvantage as she won’t sleep with me. We did have some intimate stuff happen the other night and I told her that if that was all that she could give me, that this is what I would have to accept and would.

I don't think that she thinks of it as an LB. It is just that I don't feel that I should "burden" her with how I feel as I have hurt her so badly in the past. I do remember your motto about being a great day to be alive and have actually borrowed it in my mind and use it everyday.

Have you two filled out the Emotional Needs Questionaires yet? Read all the books yet? Sorry, don't know your whole story...

I tried to get my WH to stop sleeping with OW after finding out. Whatdya know...it doesn't work that way!! She is going to do what she wants in her selfish foggified way. Plan A is all you have right now. Do it well!

There are several people on this site, although none come to mind right now, that have dealt with the angry outbursts and loss of temper and I have seen books that were recommended so maybe one of those posters can help you with that.

Read as much on the main portion of this site as you can. You can come in here to get support, sympathy, and even advice but we aren't the real experts.

It sounds like your wife is at least somewhat receptive to fixing your marriage and that is a big plus. Many don't start out that way. Build on that. It's a long hard road but it's worth it.

Best of luck to you and always remember that IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!

SnS,
You said....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have come to realize that I am an emotional abuser and that this is what is causing her to stay away</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Define emotional abuser. Sounds like you weren't aware of the issue. Your W probably never told you? Just kept it inside and built up years of resentment. Sound familiar at all?

Welcome to my life. I've come to discove rthat my W felt the same way. Never told me. Built up years of resentmant. I had built up resentments of W and never directly discussed with her either. My resentments were those typical of a H: lack of creative sex and too much attention focused on kids to the detriment of our relationship. It was a destructive cycle that spirealed us downwards.

The only time I was really aware of the issue is when the affair was going on since she completely withdrew bc she had OM to focus on. I kept adking her what was wrong and I got the old "nothing." Too little too late.

Due to the resentment I had manifested my W was very suspicious that my Plan A change was going to be short lived and that I'd go back to the "old evil monster" Only recently has she realized that the affair and her poor attitude sent us into the final spiral. It gained momentum as her relationship with OM went from friendship, to EA to PA and back to EA.

Alot of my W's attitude towards me during the early friendship with OM were just her perceptions. Her perceptions were influenced by the fantasy of the relationship with OM. Unfortunately the old saying of " perception is reality" is all too true.

Give more detail on W's perception of your behavior.

Mac

First, WAID, we haven't filled out the questionnaires yet...I haven't quite gotten to the point where I am comfortable do this with her. We have talked about certain needs that weren't being met (both ways). And I know that she will probably still sleep with the guy but I just had to ask her, as her husband, not too. She wasn't mad and said that it was perfectly fine for me to ask.

Second, Mr. E

I have found another website (verbalabuse.com) and was able to find some books on this issue. Funnily enough, my wife's father was always telling her that she was controlling so she had gone out over two years ago and bought a book on it. She gave it to me the other night and I am finding it most useful.

She admits to me that she does still love me and that she can see coming back to me someday. This gives me very much hope.

cwmac,
Hm, good points. While I certainly see myself as an abuser, she did manage to hold onto alot of resentment which clouded her thinking which led to the affair. She did say to me a few times that I was being abusive but I really didn't hear her. It wasn't until she left me that I was able to "get it". I'm sure that the OM is clouding the issue as well but I know that I have lots of work to do on myself.

I will have to stop and think of what her perceptions were/are. We talk alot so I'm sure that she will share them with me as she feels comfortable talking to me about this.