My WW and I talked very honestyly last nigth and she says that she wants a separation. She is going to me with the OM fulltime. In our state a 1 year separation is necessary before a D can happen. I am absolutely devasted. I have been Plan Aing my butt off but to no avail. She says that he is the one that will provide her the most opportunity for personal growth. This is breaking apart 2 families although he hasn't told his wife that he wants a divorce. My WW could be hung out to dry with this scum bag. I have no recourse but to go to plan B after she leaves. The fantasy that they have been living will now become the real world with children who hate what they have done, sisters that won't speak to them, a husband and a wife that won't have anything to do with them. All for a 25% chance of success.
I am so hurt and devasted. I hate losing my wife to a scumbag that cheats on his wife. How does one survive? How does one grow out of this? How will my heart ever heal? Need advice and counsel.

Hey Hopeful..buddy your post got me thinking and I know this is risky but Maybe just maybe it's a good thing. People always think the grass is greener, particulary people who are living in a fantasy land all foggified.

Seriously think about it? You've been doing everything you can to show her that you lover her and want to save your marriage, but she is obviously so fogged up about her A that she believes life will be so "HAPPY" somewhere else.

Let her go.

The fantasy world that she;s been living in doesnt include, bills, baggage or the daily grind.
The odds are she will go and be terribly miserable afterwards. We can't control what we cant control right?

There's an old saying that goes something like this:
"A hard head makes a soft behind"

It's time for you to focus on YOU. There's nothing wrong with you at all partner, she's in the fog and thinks this is romantic. An A is not romantic! An A is dirty and despicable and something built on this type of foundation just will not last and sometimes people can't be TOLD
they have to LEARN IT FOR THEMSELVES.

Lets focus on YOU and how we help YOU take care of YOU and YOUR CHILDREN...I believe time and life will take care of your WW.

Hang in there and keep your head up.

FamilyMatters-I have no choice but to let her go. Your right the grass always looks greener on the other side. Time will tell the tale. But right now I am hurting so badly. I can't believe my wife of 28 years is leaving for this scumbag. She is being very generous in the separation agreement to me so financially I will actually be better off. But I do love her and want to take care of her as I have always done. But it is out of my hands now. Your right I have to take care of me and my children. The children are grown but Dad will always be there for them. Mom will be living half way across the country and won't be able to see them like I will. I am trying very hard to keep my head up but rejection hurts like hell. Betrayal hurts like hell too. I have lost both my parents and this hurt is worse than those experiences. I see my counselor on saturday hopefully she can shed so light on my feelings. maybe I just need to be like some of the old timers have told me "you need to get tough"

She's being very generous because she feels very guilty.


I think when you leave a relationship and your really thru with it...you don't feel guilty. She should see her guilt as an indication that this may be a huge mistake.

I hope she wakes up, but if she doesn't wake up in time to end the divorce...I've got my money on her coming back.
28 years is a long time and a lifetime of memories and definetly she will have 2nd thoughts, 3rds and 4ths and the moment something shakes up her fantasy world she will be kicking herself.

I'm glad your seeing your counselor Saturday because this is an extremely trying time for you.

I wish you luck, but I'm tending to believe alot that sometimes people must learn for themselves and when they have their minds set the more we try to stop them, persuade them or reason the more they seek it, and pursue it.

Tell her the door is always open my dear friend, and not if but "when" you feel differently about this OM and the choices that you've made contact me. Then I would go dark and get to the business of taking care of ME.

I realize this is alot easier said than done and I'm hoping more experienced members will chime into this thread with advice and comments.

....I am genuinely sorry your going thru this

Hi Hopeful,

I know your pain, but at least she was honest with you. My WH told me he wanted a separation so we can work on ourselves. The first three weeks, I went to work and that was it. I stayed in bed and cried. When I found enough courage to go out, I went shopping (10 miles from my house) and I ran into my WH with the OW.

I was crushed. I did confront them, all I said "how could you" and walked away. He called my sweetheart, but I kept walking. As for the OW I looked her in the eye, and that was it, she wasn't worth my time.

I just wished I knew about this site. Actually I found this site on Easter Sunday. Our first holiday apart. I wished I found MB sooner, but I'm sure glad I did. They have helped me cope these past few months.

The OW was suppose to be working on her marriage, but I found out her H left on d-day and filed for D. It only takes 6 months in her state to get a D.

My state of NJ at least you have to be separated 18 months before he could filed. Which gives him time to get out of his fog and see the OW for who she really is.

I feel the same way, how could he leave me for a woman who cheats, lies and malipulates. How can he trust or even love her? It doesn't seem fair.

I'm still learning to survive. He left me in March, and its still so painful. The sadness, anger and loneliness will get to you. I still cry.

The days I'm feeling really blue, I post here, It helps to get encouragement from people who know exactly how you are feeling.

My WH and I have been together for fourteen years and tomorrow (July 15th) is our wedding anniversary. Tomorrow will be tough one to get through.

This is a time where you can work on you. Do things you want to do? I know its hard. Just take one day at a time. Also it might be time for Plan B. I have been in Plan B since May, even though I have slip by emailing twice. Reason I did I just had some questions, but still I slipped.

I just hope my WH fog will lift soon. There will people outside MB who will tell you to move on. That's why this site is so wonderful they believe in marriage.

Don't give up, she is going to tell you its hopeless, its just the fog talking. Work on you during this time and don't ever give up hope.

Be strong and keep your chin up!

hope,,,

I agree with family,,,, dont look at this as the final chapter,, a husband who cheats and is willing to leave his wife for OW is a very insecure person, to me your wife will now see him for what he really is. How long before he does her wrong? I bet not even a year. Live your life to the fullest dont hold nothing back. A year can be a long time and alot can change, including yourself. Stay strong!

Thanks folks for the replies. I know a year is a long time. For those of you that are separated do you get to a point where you don't want them back?
Or do you always love them and want them back. I have a feeling that my love for her will gradually diminish over this time. I believe in marriage and i believe in death do us part but death of what - the physically body or the emotional spirit. I think she is making the biggest mistake of her life but she is determined to find out if he is truly the love of her life.
I agonize over this because right now I care very deeply for her even with all the hurt she has caused. All I can do now is work on me and believe me I won't make the same mistakes in any future relationships that I made in this one. I just need to get over the hurt, anger and grief right now.

Hope,

You cannot change what she wants to do. Are the separation papers done and signed? If so good.

So since you cannot change a thing, let's look at some of the positives for you.

1. She is going to be a long way away and thus you won't run into her and her OM.

2. You have older children near you, and they can be something more than just your children, they can be your friends. Your role as father is/has changed to include friend. Rejoice in this because it is not something your W will have.

3. You have learned alot, and you will be a better H for your W or the next woman in your life, and you do have a lot of life to live.

4. She is with OM full time with no one around her, thus he will be her sole support. This will be hard on her and it will make her think. If she doesn't come back, you will KNOW it is truely over and you won't have to second guess yourself. I know this doesn't sound like a good thing, but from everything I have read around here it really is.

5. You know you have done all you knew how to do and that you are for the time being keeping the door open for her. YOU may decide in the future that you have a better future without her. YOU are within you moral rights to divorce, she is not.

Hope, hang in there. I have a feeling that life ha a lot to offer you, and you will appreciate it like you have never appreciated it before.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL-I am a honest hard working man who never cheated. I didn't always meet her needs but I welcome the chance to live again and get out of this daily drama. I know I will apreciate life more than ever now. She is very hard headed and I don't expect her to come back only time will tell. The separation papers are not signed just yet only a couple of minor details to work out. Since she is leaving i get the house and I want the papers signed so I can re-finance before the rates go up. But still this breaks my heart.