I have been reading this board for a while. I have read lots of posts trying to figure out if I am normal or not. I have discovered from my reading that the situation into which I have landed myself by being a WW is normal, but I am wondering if the way I feel is the same as any other WS out there.

I know the word “feelings” is a dirty word on this board. So many BS have heard the words “that’s how I feel” and it is a fact, I think, that feelings landed many of us WS into the mess of an A. But I cannot for the life of me figure out why I am going through what I am going through and I have no one to talk to. Although my BS is trying to be supportive, it is hard for him to hear me talk about certain things - and I can certainly understand why. I don’t blame him for what I am going through now. But I am hoping that some of you will hear me out and maybe you can help me work through these weird feelings I have inside.

Some background - D-day was about a year ago. There has been NC since then (which has been tremendously hard for me b/c I have had the old “feelings” of the OM being the only person who listened, who understood, etc., etc.). My BS has tried to be supportive - and I know he is trying - but it is hard for me to talk to him - or believe him - after years of LB ing in our marriage. And before you go bashing & saying that my A was a major LB (I know, I know!) my H will admit to the LB stuff. He knows the problems that we had - on both sides - had a lot to do with what happened. I know it doesn’t excuse the A, just helps to understand why. We had good years in our marriage but then we started to drift apart. My H is the only one who knows what I did - no friends, parents, etc., know anything (for which I am grateful). But because of that I feel like I am at a loss - no one to talk to, no one to understand, no one to relate to, etc. So here is hoping you all can help me make sense out of what is going through my head.

My H is trying to be supportive - and he says he has forgiven me- but I am having a hard time forgiving myself and going on. I am unhappy almost all of the time - thinking about what I’ve done, thinking about the OM (which is stupid), thinking about the future, thinking about what I should do vs what I want to do - and it goes on and on. I don’t feel like I can be honest with my BS about the way I feel because I don’t want to cause any more pain that I already have. Do any of the other WS out there feel this way? Am I going crazy? What happens if I can’t get past this? What happens if I can’t make this work? My BS is getting frustrated with my over my lack of being able to communicate and work through this. What do I do? Any help is appreciated.

I'm not a WS so I cannot relate to how you feel. I just wanted to say that recovery is a process. There are no short cuts. IMO you need to tell you H everything about how you feel and how you struggle. Stop going it alone. Turn to your H, he is the person you need to trust. What ever it costs you and him, it will enable you to reach the bottom of the problem so that you can work up again.

Wish I could be more helpful!

Oh and keep reading here. You will learn, if you make it your goal in life to get out of the mess you are in. Best wishes to you.

So, what exactly were the LBs your H now acknowledges and has he corrected these harmful practices?

Spill your guts. We need to put these things in perspective.

If he has corrected them, do you acknowledge that he has done his part? Or are there other things he needs to do to make the marriage environment wholesome?

I "hear" your screen name do you "hear" mine? I've been in your shoes also and it does get better with time and effort. I am concerned over your continued thoughts of OM a full year later.

When you say No Contact is that really No Contact? In other words, are there no sightings, emails, notes, letters,or phone conversations? These all do count as contact and towards throwing you right back into the emotions and chaos of the affair.

You can get through this TMA, I'm glad you found this site. You will find many recovered WS as well as those currently struggling with the same issues as you. Is your H willing to visit here also? He can find much support as a BS and be able to better understand how to move recovery along.

You seem at loose ends right now, is this the way it's been since before the affair or just after? You can have an excellent project ahead of you by learning all you can about marriage and infidelity by reading the Basic Concepts. Don't just read the forum because helpful as it is, you need to understand the concepts for yourself and especially how they apply to your marriage.

It really is not hopeless TMA, you have taken the first step by posting. So many of us have been just where you are now. Keep your ears open,and things can begin to come together for you and your H. Best, KB

Thanks for your replies. I wasn't sure I would get any because I am the WS - but I appreciate the responses.

worth a try As far as my H's LB tactics, he would use me as a verbal punching bag. He would take out anger and frustration on me. Never physically - only verbally and (at least to me) emotionally. He has acknolwedged what he has done and is trying to change (I think) and I have told him I see some of the changes. However, after years of repeated behavior such as that, it is hard to believe changes are real. He has "changed" before - at least for a few months - and trying to believe "this time it's for real" is hard for me. As for other things, I am not sure - it is hard for me to figure out what I need right now for a wholesome environment.

knewbetter I don't know why I am still thinking of the OM so long after d-day either. Yes, NC means NC, although if I had a dime for the number of times I've been tempted to contact him I'd be a lot richer! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But so far I have abstained. I think part of the reason I am still thinking of the OM is because during the A I felt like the OM cared, listened, was nice, loving, etc. He was the opposite of my H. And I guess that is what I want and I feel like the OM can give it to me the way he did then. And truthfully, there are times when I question if I want my H to give that to me. I am so frustrated, so unhappy, so miserable that I am not sure I want my H to give those things to me.

I have been trying to make an effort - sometimes halfheartedly, but most times 100% - but I am getting tired of trying now. I know my H is getting tired of trying with me because he tells me so on a regular, almost daily, basis. I know he is frustrated, hurt, angry, and I don't blame him. But I don't know what to do - I know I need to be meeting his ENs but I feel so empty and lost that it is hard to look past that to him and do what I need to do for him. I know he has tried to meet mine some but again, he is tired of trying too . . . . . so we are in a vicious circle. The pain, the hurt, the frustration, the fatigue - it is all catching up - and I don't know what to do or where to go. I think I just need to give up and let him go on - and then figure out what to do next.

I'm to new her to give you any advise, my WW wife is telling me all the things that you are saying here. She to want to "give it all up" but she has not NC w/ OM yet. I M'd her for a reason and although I am tierd of trying I will not give up. We M'd out of love, we just got to figure out how to work together again.
TMW, know this you can only control your desteny with hope, belief and hard work. You can do this your heart is already there. Keep posting here and know that we are all pulling for you and will do what we can for you.

Know

Hi TMA,

I am a former WS. It took me a long time to get over the OW and forgive myself as well but I eventually got there. Took me 18 months.

The feelings you've described are quite consistent with my experience. Even at twelve months, I would experience panic attacks brought on by the idea that I'd never, ever see the OW again. I would panic that perhaps I had made the wrong choice by staying. Sometimes these attacks were so severe that I would have to go to the park and just walk around until they subsided. They were completely, totally irrational and quite debilitating.

Have you considered getting some Individual Counseling to help you with the forgiveness issue? I think you'd find it very helpful.

I eventually discovered that I was refusing to forgive myself because I afraid of the responsibility that came with repentance...the responsibility to be the husband and father I knew I needed to be. Somehow, not forgiving myself gave me the permission to hide from that because I told myself that I was incapable of being a good husband and father. If I am incapable of it, then there's no use in trying is there? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It sounds weird, but I hope you understand what I'm saying...

Hang in there,

Low

TMA, you sound like my WH. He also says what if we can't make it work? He doesn't know if we can.

My thoughts on that are that you have to MAKE yourself want to make it work. Actions to make the marriage better will be followed by the old feelings you had for your BS.

It scares me to read so many of you say that you continue to think of leaving even after a year or more of NC. I don't know if I can hang on for even a few more months if my WH continues to act the way he does ... distant and uncaring most of the time (he does show love occasionally).

Hang in there TMA. Doesn't an intact family sound better than a broken home? Replace thoughts of OM with that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My thoughts on that are that you have to MAKE yourself want to make it work. Actions to make the marriage better will be followed by the old feelings you had for your BS. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If only it were so easy, HFH.

It takes time for these feelings to subside. We can do our best to try to manage and influence them, but they were powerful. We can all MAKE ourselves behave in certain ways, but I don't think we can't always MAKE ourselves FEEL certain ways (proponents of CBT may disagree).

I can behave in ways that I know to be right without actually WANTING to behave that way. Eventually, one of two things will happen; My feelings will fall into line with the behavior or I'll come to a point where I will align my behavior with my feelings. This is a huge struggle for BOTH the BS and WS during the first couple of years after the affair.

As far as getting back those old feelings...That just doesn't happen. We can work on building a new relationship with new feelings, but the old relationship is gone. Pining away for it by either spouse is self-defeating.

Low

Sorry you have to wait for HIS decision..It's so demoralizing..yet, it needs to be done..

One thing I think about before I LB by asking any questions - Why ask him anything - it's just another reason for him to lie to me...so I've learnt to ask very, very little and I never ask where he was..It won't be true anyway..it just teaches them to lie better..and feel smuge that they got away with it..again...

tma,

Hope you don't mind comments from a BS...

Glad you found this place. Too bad you waited so long to post.

How did your d-day happen? Did you confess or were you found out? Are you going to IC to learn why you had an A and to work on yourself?

Recovery is very hard to say the least. It doesn't just *happen*.

Have you considered that all the thinking about, as well as the temptations of calling OM, are stalling out your recovery? If you are not open with your H (about this or other feelings) how can you expect to move ahead?

Maybe it's time to put the OM in the proper perspective. How well do (you think) you know him? I guess the statement you made got me thinking about that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think part of the reason I am still thinking of the OM is because during the A I felt like the OM cared, listened, was nice, loving, etc. He was the opposite of my H. And I guess that is what I want and I feel like the OM can give it to me the way he did then. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Consider my FWH...my FWH is an OM to several OWs and their families. Most of his A's were long distance and the OWs were allowed to see exactly what FWH wanted them to see...to get exactly what he wanted. FWH appeared to these OW's as a nice, loving, caring man and a good listener. Actually, he did/said/acted in whatever way it took to satisfy his own selfish needs. In reality, FWH was an alcoholic serial-cheater who cared about and loved only himself.

Proof of this? All the emails for one thing. FWH called all OW's the same *pet* names and used all of the same lines. Because those names and lines worked! AND, whenever FWH was given an ultimatum (leave W for OW), was found out or simply tired of an OW, he dropped them like a hot potatoe and never looked back. Even those OW's he said he *loved*. He didn't love them, he loved how good they made him feel about himself.

Thankfully, my FWH is getting the help he needs through IC and AA and has broken his addictive tendencies/cycle. FWH looks back at his past now and is so disgusted to see all of the OWs he used for his own selfish satisfaction.

Anyway, back to you. It sounds like your H is trying. Changes can't happen overnight. If your H is working on the LB's, you should encourage him and the good work he's doing.

Most of all, you need to give your H a lot of love. It ain't easy being a BS. Your whole world comes crashing down on you when you find out about an A. The fact that your H has forgiven you says a lot. He must love you a great deal.

Work on yourself. Post here. Give it more time and patience.

JMHO.

sss

<small>[ July 15, 2004, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

TMA,

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think part of the reason I am still thinking of the OM is because during the A I felt like the OM cared, listened, was nice, loving, etc. He was the opposite of my H. And I guess that is what I want and I feel like the OM can give it to me the way he did then.


Do you think this OM could have seduced you if he were an uncarring man who disrespected you?

Its all an act... The OM uses what you need to get what he needs.

A WW only knows of how the OM is during the time they are being dooped. He will act caring, he will act honest, he will be the nicest person you ever met.
He knows he has to be this way to influence your betrayal.
Like someone else said,,, do you really know the OM?
All you really know is how he was to you during an affair. It takes alot of pretending to send a married woman into the fantacy world. It has been said many many times Affairs are not real,, they are an escape,, a fantacy,, a false state of feelings.
Learn from your affair .... If you tell a man you are married and he still persues you then he himself is telling you what he is all about. Low morals, low self esteem, and capable of betraying you just the same.
please im not bashing you just want to try and help you get out of la la land.

/\

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but I am having a hard time forgiving myself and going on. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This, is VERY common. My dh had the most horrible time getting on with the getting on. Have you spoken to your doc about this - at least about your feelings? Not to be a pusher or anything, but your physician may be able to help you at least get to feeling an even keel again. Once that happens, it's A LOT easier to begin to heal, ime.

- Kimmy