I posted earlier. Still need some advice. My WH will call later this evening as usual. I know in my gut that he stayed with OW last night. Shed some light on the A to part of his family today.

I want to ask him if he did stay with her last night, with no LB's. I still have no answer from him whether he has made his decision or not. I am about to give up. What should I say? What should I do? Is an ultimatum the right thing? I know he is in a fog - can't see his immoral behavior. Someone please help me!

No ultimatums!

Don't ask him anything! He'll just deny everything.

What is your evidence?

He was acting the same way he was before he made his confession. Am I just supposed to sit by and not do or say anything? It seems he is having his cake and eating it too. Am I just supposed to be nice, knowing that he is lying to me again?
I guess I need to go back to the MC, my nerves are killing me. AD hasn't kicked in yet.

Have you become familiar with the basic approach of Plan A?

If not, you need to before we can communicate effectively with you.

Absorb all the material on this site before you do ANYTHING else!

WAT

Thanks WAT. I do know the basic concept of Plan A. It just freaks me out sometimes. I know that I am supposed to present myself as the best choice he can make. I've never done anything so hard. It all seems so unfair. I do love him. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Looking at all the posts, it seems that a lot of this just never works out. Does it ever work out?

And as I continue to read other posts, a lot talk about contacting the OW. Should I do this? I already sent her a letter.. the same one I gave my husband. What's the right thing to do?

If OW already knows he's married and knows you want to preserve the marriage, there is no reason to contact her further.

What did your letter say?

But contacting her H if she's married or exposing the affair to others who may be influential to either of them is absolutely necessary.

Tell us more of your story.

And yes, these things do often work out, but not always. The track record shows that 5 years from the start of an affair, it's more likely that the original partners will be together than the affair partners will be together.

WAT

Thanks, WAT. Should have looked on this site before talking to WH this a.m.

Couldn't get ahold of him - beeper, cell phones all off. When he called this a.m., I committed huge LB. Now I see the importance of keeping your cool, and feel we are back at square one.

OW is divorced. The letter I sent was the Plan B letter in SAA, in my own words of course. My WH said the week with no contact made him realize that he really did love me. He needed to make his decision. Now I need to let him do that.

My remorse for the LB is deep. I need support from the people like you on this site to keep my strength up. Taking AD now, but it hasn't kicked in yet.

32 years of marriage, hopefully not down the drain.

So you skipped Plan A?

K,

I'm very sorry to read your situation because it's somewhat similar to mine. I'm also expecting H to make a "decision" soon and it's painful to wait and think about the outcome - just being in such a situation is painful because it's not what I expected to have from a M and a husband. The best thing you can do is to post here - you will get lots of help and support. Also, do you have some friends who can be with you to lend support? That has helped me. I wish the best for you & your M.

WAT - I'm in a similar situation (although some key differences), so I'm interested to read your advice to K. If you have a minute, I would really appreciate your wisdom on what I'm supposed to do next - I'm at a crucial time and I'm getting mixed advice. My thread is in Recovery - "Triggers, Lies and Giving Up". Thank you!!!!!

WAT,
Yes, I skipped plan A, at first. Thought WH just needed a jolt to lift the fog a little. We are in Plan A, after much discussion and honesty between us.

Much strength is needed for plan A. I work hard towards that.

WH called again. Said he will try to get off work early so he can see me this afternoon. I see I am not alone now with other reply to my post.

I will keep posting here. Now know it's the best place to vent. Also decided I must seek counceling if not for us, but myself. The help I get here will save my sanity. Sincere thanks to all. K

OK, you understand now that going straight to Plan B wasn't such a good idea, right?

But let's acknowledge that couples have been recovering from unfaithfulness for thousands of years, long before these MB principles were developed, so nothing says there isn't more than one way to do it.

But if you have to implement Plan B again, your WS will reasonably not be impacted as much because he's heard this all before. That said, Plan B is really for YOU and it can still be effective for you if you need it again.

I suggest you take advantage of your H's willingness to talk and do a solid Plan A. Print out the EN questionaire for both of you and see if he'll fill it out. Try to get him to tell you what ENs you were not meeting in the past, and then start meeting them! Do not trivialize any of his complaints unless they're absolutely ridiculous. Your goal should be to remove all his excuses for the affair. When he starts re-writing history and come up with new excuses, you'll know you're making progress.

Above all, stop all LBs - angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, and annoying practices.

All of this is intended to create a safe environment for him to return to when the aliens release him.

Finally, unless it seems that he's coming out of the fog, expose the affair to any one who can have an influence on him.

cute - if you're in a similar sitch, you should be posting here and not in Recovery, but I'll look at your post over there.

WAT

Thanks WAT -
Have already printed out EN questionaire. Hope he doesn't still think I'm smothering him with it.

The responses I get here keep me going. I guess this is also a good sounding board for resolving problems that come up.

He wants to meet me for dinner tonight. I'm on my best new behavior. Not that I am a bad or *****y person, I apparently haven't talked to him the "right way" in a long time.

Keep me on the straight and narrow. Thanks! K

Yes, meet him for dinner. But keep your expectations low. Hope for the best, but expect less.

And go slow. Let him lead. It's OK to be a bit aloof.

Hold off on introducing the EN questionaire until you feel he'll be receptive to it. This will require some unsolicited signal from him that he wants you to meet his needs. Then pop the question, "I really need to understand what needs you have that I may have not fully appreciated in the past. Instead of being disappointed some more, please help me by sharing with me what your needs are."

If you detect coolness or reluctance to be this intimate, back off.

Understand?

Regardless of what's happened in the past, take responsibility for not meeting his needs. This may help him feel safe expressing them.

WAT

<small>[ July 15, 2004, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Thanks WAT,

I already know that one of his needs that I have really missed the mark on in the past is his need to be open and honest with me, without hurting my feelings, or making me angry (LB? - no doubt!)

After our last MC session, we went to a restaurant, and he told me everything. He said he didn't know why he was telling me all that, and I said "because you can". And I thanked him for being honest. He said a great weight had been lifted off his chest. I didn't cry, judge, demand, or get angry. I just listened.

Some of the rest of his needs I think I already know, but I think you're right. He needs to know
them himself. I am sooooo willing to meet his needs. I love him that much.

Hope Cute is getting help from your words here.

Thanks, K.