I have just spoken to my husband a little while ago.

Apparantly he is back at work.

I have been really praying up a storm and disaster averted, thank God.
I was worried about him doint something illegal but he assures me he isn't taking any chances like that.

He said the reson he didn't call for a few days was because he was not in a good frame of mind- that he had some setbacks ( I presume with the van) and didn't want to take it out on me.

OK.

I am relieved.

Now for the tricky part.

The last few weeks I have been struggling with temptation, in terms of being with someone else.

No one in particular, but the opportunity is there, and the motive.

I have been alone for the most part for 18 years, and when he was around he was abusive. I have been feeling pretty sorry for myself lately.


I want to be with my husband but we have a long way to go before we can start over as a couple.

And God knows, I am getting very impatient.

He has no idea how close I have come to doing exactly the same thing he has done.

Thinking about it and doing it is two different things, but the main thing that has stopped me in the end has been that I can't pray effectively for my husband if I have sin in my life.

The lust of the flesh, even thinking about it has been interfering with my prayer life.

I can't believe how strong my needs are and my imagination is pretty vivid.

So far I have dealt with this, but I feel very vulnerable right now.

I am canceling my worship service tomorrow. I am in no state to be leading right now.

Go ahead and throw rocks, 2x 4's whatever.

Ok.And if thats not bad enough, hows this for a bizzare twist:

The OW's boyfriend has given me a standing invitation.

(Not going there...)

Shul,
All of us have weaknesses. It is different for everyone, but we all have them. The important thing is that we hold on and don't give in, not that we have them.

I am glad you can post about it and ask for help, that is a good step.

Keep praying, there is great power in prayer.

Come back and ask for help if you feel you need it, we will pray for you also. Though we might not be here right when you are, we will come around, and we will think about you and pray for you.

Keep trying, you'll make it.

SS

Thank you SS,

I am not in a good frame of mind.

I need to vent.


I keep thinking how he would like it if I said the exact things to him that he has said to me.

Like "Yeah I am having sex with her, but I'm not emotionally attached to anyone. Its just like masturbating. I just need her for rides .I wouldn't use you like that."

(Oh ? well I needed the grass cut/ the plumbing fixed/ an oil change on the car- but it was just business...I wouldn't use you like that...)

Or, " when I am with you I am with you. I don't do things for her like make her tea, or come up behind her when she is doing dishes"

( I don't make him bacon and eggs or rub his back...)

Or, "Well yeah I sleep in her bed with her, but only from 11 pm to 7 am."

( I don't even know what to say to that one. I am at a loss for words)

I am having an angry fit here.

Oh, Shul. When I'm down you're always the one I can count on to show up with something positive.

You are a magnificent person, and magnificent persons always know what to do, and what not to do. I'm not worried about you even a little bit.

I pray very little. I haven't much faith in God, I'm afraid. But I'll put one out there for you tonight. There it goes...

GC

ok it worked now i am having a crying fit thx

Better now.

I think I was having one of those Eligah moments, like when he went ballistic on the Midianite priests or whoever they were ( I am supposed to know this stuff) but he got all messed up afterwards.

I am just tired.

Me and Sprezz were pounding on the gates of heaven all afternoon, and God was working all along.

He showed me some stuff today about my prodigal husband.

He is just like Israel after God delivered them from Egypt. Naturally they forgot what he had just done, parting the Red Sea and all, ( like anyone could forget that) and started whining, feeling sorry for themselves b/c their needs weren't being met quick enough (note to self) so they immediately went off and made idols to worship . Dancing around in front of Golden calfs.

(Except the golden calf in this case is a van).

But the part I like is that God delivered them.

(They had to wander around in the desert utnil they 'got it' and fianlly learned to trust him for their needs, but they eventually got it...well some of them...)

So I figure my husband is just wandering around in the desert with his nice shiny golden calf/van.


And he can dance around it all day but its not going to fix his life. And he will figure that out pretty quick. He is no dummy.

(I will be praying just in case).

And the OW, well she can't hold a candle to me. Maybe she has a nice new truck, but I am Magnificent. Graycloud says so.

My husband will notice this any day now.

Seriously, today was a victory. I am thankful to God.