Some close friends of mine are getting married in Sept. and this weekend we're having a big party for them in the country. Camping, bonfires, and music.

On the first night there will be a smaller group of close pals there. After I told the bride-to-be that my bed is let's call it damaged in a fundamental way, she suggested we assemble it on top of the woodpile and torch it Friday night.

So, should I ask the sparrow if she wants the bed first, or should I just go ahead and cremate it?

It's a cryin' shame. It was a really great bed.

GC

Gray - I tried to send you an email from work today and it got lost...

My take on the bed is this - although it might seem like a cleansing experience to burn it - it could end up being horribly embarassing and emotional for your wife. It's one thing to tell her "honey, it hurt me very deeply so I got rid of it" vs "honey, it hurt me so I burned it with a bunch of my friends". When she pulls out of this fog she is going to be embarassed and feel awful about the horrible things she did to you. I think this might make it worse.

If you want to ask her if she wants it, that would be probably be ok. Having it might remind her of you - and if she understands the reason you no longer can take having it in the house - that might be ok too.

Just my take on it.

I'm taking all your advice tonight, H4F. I was under peer pressure. And I have to tell you, I feel a little wimpy for not having perpetrated any dramatic cathartic craziness like this. But you're right again. It would be a nasty shot to take at my wife. I'd probably wind up with pictures of myself clowning around in front of the thing while it burned, and I'd feel terrible about it later.

I'm going to break my email fast and tell her the bed is waiting for her if she wants it. I'll just say I don't want it anymore.

Thanks again; you're my guardian angel, sister.

GC

LOL! Phew.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

GC, in January this year H and I had a ritual burning of all my old (30 years old) photos of OM and I. He was my HS B/f and I'd kept the photos for years - wonder why? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The burning was very cathartic and of course I had to talk to everyone on here first before we did it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And I mean WE did it as part of our recovery process.

Also, sparrow may well come back with her tail between her legs. This is your big chance to still be married in 50 years or not.

I was dumped by OM. I went back to my H (never left physically) because I saw that as my only option. If you want to talk to me about what the sparrow will be feeling when (and if) she comes back, please feel free to do so. Because this is make it or break it time.

Considering H and I are fully recovered it may help you a great deal.

Jenny

<small>[ July 15, 2004, 02:10 AM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Problem solved... but here is a different spin on same type problem with a happy ending. My DD informed me that while daddy was out of town a couple of months ago mommy let OM ride his prized Harley Davidson, now for those of you that don't own a Harley ya just don't do that, anyway my now FWW has said that she wants to by FS that would ME a brand new Harley that isn't tainted!!

See there are happy endings!!!! Ain't life great!?!?!?!?!

Always remember that IT'A A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks, E. I emailed the sparrow and asked her if she wants the bed.

GC

gc:

Thank goodness! I just got here, and am glad 2 see that you've already decided not 2 do that. I'd have felt bad if you'd burned it, considering what I said (in jest) on your other thread about it...

...I'm also glad you listen 2 h4f the way you do. She passed a big test recently (can't seem 2 2t her own horn, though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), so she's something specialer than ever!

2dles,
-ol' 2long

I second w/what H4F says and the possible consequences/ramifications of burning the bed that way. i'm glad you decided not to do that. if she emails you back and asks why you don't want it, etc. just go w/the initial suggestion of saying that it's just too painful for you to have around. remember, even though you are in plan A you don't want to give the WS a "get out of jail" card so that they don't think that what they are doing isn't affecting us. if sparrow asks how you are doing say "i'm not doing too good but tomorrow is another day." if she says why then just say something like "well, i'm struggling, i'm not with my wife but tomorrow is another day" just say something brief and the move on.

treat any talk about the M and/or R as a warzone because if you really start to talk about it then it may leave you unguarded and things can happen in that position that you may regret later. if you do get into a discussion about the M/R then just go w/her lead, if she wants to get out of the conversation then let her, don't force it. in every interaction regardless of whether it is in person or via email just do PLAN A!! show and prove change, paint an attractive picture of yourself, sell the WS on the idea that the M can be better than ever because you've changed, it can be safe, you have the tools to rebuild the M, and that the ideal scenario is for someone to be in love w/their spouse.

most of that comes from SH but i think you get the idea. good luck and God Bless, RR

2long, it was a coincidence. One of my friends thought of it. I'd thought of doing something outrageous with the bed already. I'm relieved to be giving up on it.

I don't blame my friends. They're all worried that I'm in denial and crazy to try to keep hope alive, even though I tell them I am not counting on it to work out, just hoping that it does and keeping myself open to reconciling. I tell them stories from here about people recovering from As after 6 mos, 1 yr, 2 yrs, etc. and they say, "Well you can't wait that long!" I try to tell them, I can wait for as long as I can. I don't know how long that will be. I'm not going to live like a monk for two years, I know that much.

Ramble, ramble, ramble...

GC