OK, here goes.
For those that don't know or that don't remember, I am Mrs. Top Rope. Been here a couple of times. Not many.
I'm still debating on whether to post this tonight ( it's really late or really early) or just save it and post it tomorrow.
Guess I'll decide that after I finish writing (typing...whatever).

Here's what happened...........

I was just coming back from lunch when one of my coworkers came and found me and told me I had a phone call. Given that I am in a lower level leadership position, I have several people that have reason to call me at any given time. Also since I very rarely get phone calls on the particular line that was called (I have my own private extension), I was very surprised when I was told this. I even said to my coworker, "That's weird. I don't usually get phone calls at work." Meaning, not on that line.

So needless to say, when I picked up the phone and said, "This is SUR." I was shocked from head to toenails to hear his voice on the other end of the line, and yes, I did know instantly that it was him. We did a VERY LOT of talking on the phone during the course of my A. I have had NC (not a formal letter) with OM since two hours before I went to the HR department at my former job and told them what was going on (that was what forced him to resign or be fired from my/our former place of employment).

And I know for a fact (caller ID is a wonderful thing) that he not only would call my former office and hang up when I would answer the phone, but he also tried to make contact, or find out if, I was still at my old address eight months ago.

So I was totally blindsided and wasn't prepared to tell him that I wanted NC, EVER, from him again and to NEVER call me anywhere, just to leave me and my family alone like we have his for the past 16 months. Instead, all I could think to say was how did he find me (I changed jobs and moved 100 miles away a year ago) and WHY was he calling me. His response seemed to be very well rehearsed and all he kept saying, in a very calm voice (just like he used to do when he was trying to persuade someone of something) was that he was only calling to find out how I was doing, was I all right, that he wasn't calling to upset me, and he just wanted to see how I was doing because we, "never got a chance to say 'good-bye' to each other." He said this to me twice and then hung up.

So alright....I my be nieve, but even I don't buy that load of bullsh*t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My immediate response was to call TR and tell him what had happened. (I may be really dense about a lot of things, but telling my H, and not trying to hide the contact was the BEST and RIGHT thing for me to do.)

I, like TR, was thinking that so much time has passed, without any further contact or incident, that it was a fait accompli, and that there never would be any further contact with him, that I would never be put in the position again or feeling intimidated by him.

Yes, he used to, and does to some extent, still intimidate me. I am afraid that he will try to cause me problems, or worse yet, get me fired from my current job. And even though I grumble to TR a lot, I really do like my job where I am at now and don't want to lose it.

Guess my blinders were a little more narrow than I thought.

So now WE have to decide what to do from here. Do I (it would have to be addressed only from me because of the former complaint against my H) send a formal NC letter? Do I call his wife? Do I go physically and talk to his wife? Do I get a protective order against him? (Because I know he had to be thinking about me and about contacting me for quite some time in order to find out where I was currently working and to find the phone number.) Do I do all of these? Or none of these and just ignore him like the gnat that he is?

I am glad that many of you have taken the time to respond to this issue. I will make sure to keep checking to look for more.

Thanks for your time, patience, prayers and concern.

SUR

Mrs. TR

How could you royally screw up by answering a telephone call? The shock and surprise upon hearing his voice after that long a time did not allow you to react with the hang-up. You told Mr. TR, which is very good thing. You did not screw up at all.

This complaint against TR filed by the jerk. Has this ever been addressed with the authorities after it was shown that he was the sexual predator and was fired from his job? It seems that with a little effort this could be dropped and maybe a lawsuit could be filed for defamation of character or filing a false statement or something. Is the jerk a lawyer?

Were any sexual harassment charges ever filed by you or the other ladies at the firm? (you could have maybe retired!!)

I feel some response to him must be made. Severe enough to make him drop you like a hot rock. He is a loser and a user. Very much a slimeball.

SUR, Thank you for posting your side of things - you sound very committed to your marriage and very aware of the "character" you are dealing with.

Because of his history - trying to get you fired, filing a protective order against your husband, contacting his wife would be VERY dangerous for you - he knows how to push the legal buttons and if he pushes first you have to be able to prove your innocence. He's demonstrated himself to be very very practiced at psychological stalking.

So I would go directly to your police department and file a complaint. You took great measures to move on and he has tracked you down. It's time to let the law know so that he can't fool them so easily.

Change your name??? from SUR to "cleaned up beautifully"... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Your dilemma reminded me of something that happened to me about 20 years ago...

Before I was married (23 years now) I was in a 14-year relationship. We parted because after 14 years he was "not certain" he wanted to marry me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Soooo, I married Mr. Pep .... and we moved 400 miles away from the town where old BF lived.

About 3 years into our marriage, old BF started to stalk me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Not funny.... He'd leave me items that I had left in BF's home on our doorstep.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> He'd leave me his business card stuck in our mailbox .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> He'd leave a rose at my receptionist's desk and tell her it was from "a friend" ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> He was creeping me out.

One day I went to my department chief (head-honcho MD ... a real tough muther) ... and told him that I was being stalked, and if I were ever found dead.... THIS was the guy who did it.... and I gave him the old BF's name .... and had chief put it under his desk blotter... THEN, I called old BF's mother.... and told her that whatever influence she had over her son, to please use it to stop the notes, flowers, etc. I also told her I had contacted the police ( a lie) .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It worked.

Good luck with this.... there is NO POINT to being nice or kind with a situation like the one you face... you do whatever it takes to make him STOP or else he won't see your efforts as serious.

Love,

Pep

Dear SUR,

First let me say that your H has posted to me some good advice. Sometimes I listen, sometimes I don't. But his advice is usually well thought out. Because I think this is so, I think you are asking for advice in the wrong place. Here is why.

A negative thing has just happened to you, OM tried to contact you. You did not end the A according to the "formula" on this site, but that is OK. (I didn't either).

What you have here is an event. A negative event. What you can do is turn this into an opportunity.

An opportunity to earn some trust and respect from your H.

What do you do? Whatever HE wants you to do. Plain and simple. Take the opportunity to make a big deposit in his love bank.

But please remember to POJA this. I think Top Rope will listen if you have concerns over ramifications about whatever you decide to do. But your willingness to make Top Rope comfortable will go a long way to validate your re-comitting to your marriage.

I would be cautious about a restraining order. Only because you never seem to know which way things will go in our court system today. I would not take an "active" step such as this without talking to an attorney. I say that based on your comment about NOT having Top Rope sign the NC letter.

I would think that your job would be protected if you went to HR FIRST and explained the situation and told them what you wanted to do.

Also, do you keep a journal? I am not a lawyer, but I think a journal that is BOUND, not looseleaf, is reasonable evidence in court. If you have entries day by day and you have annotated his previous attempts to contact you, that would be strong evidence enough.

Hope this helps,

NCWalker

SUR,,
I have spoke with the county judge regarding legal steps you can take when OM wont stop contact.
First,,, there is a difference between a restraining order and a protective order.

The judge will only grant a Restraining order unless the OM has been arrested for assaulting you in the past,, If he has assaulted you then it would be a protective order.
Whats the difference? Restraining order: Police can give OM a warning or remove him from a location you are at. He cannot be arrested and booked on his first attempt to violate the resraining order, you may file a statement against him with the police, only after 3 restraint violations can you file stalking charges against him.

A protective order: It is what it says,, the OM has been arrested for assaulting you. When you file assault charges on someone you will allways be asked do you wish to file a protective order against this person? If OM violates a protective order the police have to take him to jail. They have to file the offense and let it reflect on his record. He can bond out very cheap for the offense but he will be booked and photographed for the charge of Violation of a protective order.
The most you could serve him with is a restraining order if he has not assaulted you or your Hubby. I think if you took this action it would be a good decision,,, for one he will be served,,, end of that he will now not only be told by you and spouse to not call, he will hear it from the courts. In my opinion this would leave him feeling that you and your hubby are definately not playing when you say NO CONTACT>

Hi SUR, it's been a while and I'm so sorry this happened to you. It did happen TO you, it is not something you DID. I've posted some info on TR's thread for you both.

I like the idea of calling OM's wife to give her a heads up on his contact, I think Pep mentioned doing this in another post. You might want to consider backing up the phone call with a letter restating your position, in other words writtten documentation of his actions. I would think this would be the first step and maybe the one to stop him cold. The other stuff can always be done later if it becomes necessary.

At this point just knowing that you will not tolerate any further contact and that there will be unpleasant consequences if he attempts to contact you again, could be all you need to neutralize him.

I got the impression from your post that you were not able to clearly back him off before he hung up (I'll bet he hung up first, after he gave his soothing little spiel and most likely didn't give you a chance to answer, right?) so there may well be further attempts.

This doesn't mean he's necessarily bent on stalking you but until he gets a very clear, strong message, you remain at risk. I know how wierd and hard this is to deal with but you don't have to be a sitting duck for this kind of stuff. You and TR are in this together and however you chose to deal with this, it will be a joint effort. He's a great guy, SUR. BTW, Don't you think it's time you changed YOUR name? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> KB

Wow!  I didn't expect such a large response. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />   Thanks to everyone!

Let me see if I can address some of the questions/issues point by point. 

Krusht...

The screwed up royally is for my stupidity in having an A in the first place, not so much for my answering the phone.  But thanks for overlooking that point.  As for the complaint against TR, that happened BEFORE I went to the HR department and the OM 'lost' his job. 

In fact, his calling the police was a very big part of what made me go to HR in the first place. I suppose that a lawsuit could be filed against OM for defamation of character, I've just never thought of it.  And no, OM is not a lawyer, although if you were to ask him, he would tell you that either he has one in the family or he is very good friends with one.  That's something OM was very good at...name dropping.   
As for charges for sexual harassment, I don't believe any were ever filed by anyone else in the office or department, and none were filed by me, but the HR department WAS made aware of the situation, with both myself and the other female involved.

KaylaAndy...

Thanks for your opinion about the danger to me of contacting his W.  Believe me, I DO understand how he knows how to manipulate situations to his own best advantage.  However, I have learned a little about myself too.  <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I've learned that, much like a mother bear protecting her cubs, when my back is to the wall and I'm being pushed too hard...I can and am willing, to play hardball too!!  That's why OM was 'asked' to leave and I kept my job until I was ready to give it up.  <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I beat him at his own game in that case.. because I figured out (with the help and urging of my H) that that was exactly what OM was trying to do to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
 [And it almost worked]

So believe me, I'm not about to let him push ME again!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />   And I do realize how practiced he is at stalking and not even letting other be aware that they are being stalked or preyed upon.  Been there...done that...ain't goin' there again!!!!   To the police department and filing a complaint, maybe getting a restraining order...those are possibilities.  Not sure yet. 

Pepperband...
 
Thanks for the boost!!  Changing my name...I'll have to consider that one.   And I feel that you are right about me doing whatever it takes to make OM stop.  That was one of the reasons that I was able to get to HR first...he NEVER and I mean NEV--ER, saw it coming...not from me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />  
I was always too docile in the personal relationship area. He always took the lead, in everything.

ncwalker...

Thanks for the words of wisdom.  No decisions have been made yet as to what we are going to do about this situation.   Consulting a lawyer is another possibility. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

eric.n...

Thanks for the delineation. I understand the difference between a restraining order and a protective order.  I guess the point is just so the authorities know.

knewbetter...

Thanks for posting.  As I've said...no decisions yet on phone call or letter.  The crux of the issue is that I really don't think that OM's W ever suspected him of having an A with me!! [He got caught with the OOW].

There might be a bit of a shocker for her there. 
Then again...it might make her take HER head out of the sand and realize what a sexual predator her H really is.
 
For the phone call, you are right.  He hung up before I could make any kind of response, so further attempt at contact is what I am concerned about.  Just because I know this sonofabi*ch, and I know that once he sinks his teeth into an idea, he doesn't give it up...PERIOD.

And finally...To Low Orbit (who posted on TR's thread)...

The feeling I got when I heard OM's voice was NOT a rush of pleasure or happy thought or feelings.  Just the opposite!!  It was more like shock and panic, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> first that he had the nerve to contact me, especially after so long and after the way I ousted HIM, and second, what MY h's reaction would be when I told him about the call.

Since this has gotten extremely long I'll stop it here.  Thanks to everyone for your responses.  Hope I have clarified a few things!!!

SUR - Welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad you decided to come here. You have been honest with your husband. Forget about OM and keep moving on in recovery.

To ALL of you that have responded to SUR's thread, you have my deepest thanks.
Her getting a positive boost here just may persuade her to stay awhile. (I can hope).

To you SUR:
First, I believe a name change IS in order. 
Pick one that better suits who you are NOW!
That's a great place to start (not having your board name make you feel guilty just in logging in).

Next, I am so pleased that you took the time to give this place another chance.
I truly hope you are getting something out of it all.

I know you'll never feel about or come here like I do, but I do want you to stick around. NO pressure, just think about it.

This place can be valuable to get advice, support and mostly to vent.
I know you don't really have any outlet to discuss us, our M, Me, the A, or even yourself.
YOUR M.O. is to just pretend everything is OK and put on the "happy face".
Well, that didn't work out for me very well the last time, so I'd like to see you change that behavior.

Perhaps this place can even give us a way to Open Up our own lines of communication (which haven't been too good here lately).

IN any case, let me tell you again at how proud I am of you for how you handled this unexpected contact with *%#^%!
You've come along way from the woman who would take any opportunity to sneak and betray me with this person.

Just know how pleased I am by this change in you.
And NOW I NO longer have to wonder whom it is you are truly looking out for.
This helps settle that inward debate immensely. It is comforting to finally KNOW that my feelings and well being are MORE important to You then his.
That feels SO Good!

Even though I don't tell you enough: You have come a Long Long way. (And I see and recognize that!)
I know that my "style" might make you feel like a failure cause I still want more from you.
(By seeming to not give you credit for all the hard work and progress you have achieved).

Cause I am guilty of this. I don't give you enough credit or admiration (uh oh, big EN)

I am sorry to make you feel that way.
I just so want you to continue to work to make yourself all you can be (and all that I could want).

I'm just so afraid of you being willing to settle and think things are good enough.
I'll agree they are better....but not Good enough for me. NOT anymore.

However, I just need to still applaud where YOU are presently, while still encouraging you to improve and move forward.

Lastly, Thanks for choosing ME!
Till Next time

SUR,

I mistakenly saw Screwed Up Royally as the topic and not your sign in name. (as I said I'm new here). Been wanting to get back on and apologize for the error since yesterday.

Sorry!

It's OK. I was in a very BAD frame of mind when I came up with my name. At some times, I am doing better now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just not as often as I would like!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Your H is Top Rope....

hmmmmmm

you could be

Luv Knott <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

or

silk string <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

or

top ropes woman <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

or

on top <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

or

rope'a'dope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

or

'ahoy matey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

silly Pepper

Keep posting SUR .... you've got a good man and a marriage to recover. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

HA! HA! HA!

Pepperband!! You really got me with that one!!!

As for the name....well, that would depend on what day you asked me. As I'm sure you know, there are good days and bad.

If you had asked me yesterday, I would have said, "On Top" I REALLY like that one!!! Gave me lot of laughs!!!!!!!! And Top Rope too!

If you'd asked me five minutes ago... I would have said, "He roped a dope" meaning I was the dope.

Regardless....your post came at the PERFECT time because it gave us both something to read together and gave us both a laugh and smile!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


So we are still working on the marriage. We haven't given up yet!!!!!!!!