I have read these posts with interest - it helps so much to know that there are others who feel the same way I do in so many ways. Also, it helps to know that this situation is “normal” in the loosest sense of the word. However, I have a question to ask some of the former WS on the board (and I was glad to see that there were some here). How do you deal with feelings that you have - or did you ever have them - of not being sure that you want to make your marriage work? I know that is a bad thing to say - considering how many people here are hurting and want their marriages to work - and I hope I do not get lamblasted for saying this on the board. But it is something I have been struggling with since before D-day (which was well over a year ago)and I just don’t know what to do. I am not going to slip into “fog-ese” and say that our marriage has always been bad - it hasn’t. But the couple of years before the A and D-day were not so great. I also know it takes two to cause problems - and I’ll admit that I am not perfect. However, my spouse’s LB ing (along with mine too) made our marriage much less than perfect, healthy, etc., and so much of that is what led to the A - not that it is excusable - but I know that is why I did what I did - I was looking for more than I was getting in the marriage. Now that the A is in the open - D-day is over and in the past - we are trying to recover - I still can’t get past the feeling of not being sure I want to put the effort in to this because of how it was before. Do any other WS feel this way? Did you get past it? How? I am really in a mess because I am so unhappy and I am causing more unhappiness in the marriage because of how I am feeling right now.

The marriage vows are generally considered a commitment....

for better, or for worse...
richer or poorer...
in sickness or in health....

Think about your integrity for a minute.

You made a promise to be part of a committed relationship.

Even if you don't feel like it some days.

You said:

"I still can't get past ~the feeling~ of not being sure I want to put the effort into this because of how it was before."

You made a commitment. Now your feeling of uncertainty wants to override a vow of commitment.

Your integrity is at stake here.

Are you a person of your word?

Your effort measures your commitment.

If you leave this marriage without keeping your commitment (measured by your level of effort) you have failed to EARN YOUR WAY out of the marriage.

Instead of not getting the fruits of your massive heroic efforts... you are applying little or no effort... and complaining about the lack of fruit.

If you divorce without effort, you lose more than your marriage.... you lose your personal integrity when it comes to keeping your vowed commitments.

Is your marriage not worth a fight? Your marriage is sick.
Your marriage needs CPR.

If you had a critically sick child, would you not take him to the ER?
If they failed to perform CPR according to their professional commitment in the ER ---> because they did not feel like it...
Do you think they would perform as better Doctors if they were moved to a different ER?

Think of your marriage as needing CPR. Just commit yourself to the rescue.... because with NO effort, the outcome is for certain dismal.


Pep

<small>[ July 15, 2004, 04:11 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Professor,

I'm not a WS, I'm the BS, but I wanted to respond to you and give you some reasons why I think a BS should try. Let's see... where to begin... (I wish I was eloquent/persuasive, but I'm not, so bear with me...)

1. Real love goes through stages. If you don't push through (and learn from) the bad times, then you won't get to the good times, AND you will end up in another relationship that eventually goes through a rough spot - so you'll be right where you are now, except next time you may be with someone who is NOT willing to make things better.

2. You M'd your spouse for a reason - probably many good reasons. You have a rare opportunity to build on those reasons and make the M better than most people could imagine. Keep the good and improve the bad and you two could have a relationship that meets all your expectations and fulfills all your needs. How do you do improve the bad? - you learn from the mistakes of the past and figure out how to prevent them - you learn how to have an amazing R with your spouse. Otherwise, you're just trading in one set of problems for another. In short, you're chasing happiness instead of putting in the work to make your M happy. Don't you want a happy M? Anyone with a good M will tell you that it takes work sometimes, that it's not always easy, but that it's always worth it. So just do it.

3. You can't have a long-term, happy relationship unless you learn more effective ways to solve your relationship problems and re-connect with your significant other - so you might as well learn it now with your spouse - the one you took vows with. You said "I was looking for more than I was getting in the marriage." OK - most people on this board understand that the WS is searching to have his/her needs met - needs that are unfulfilled in the M. However, your solution to the problem was not the best choice. There were so many other ways that either you or your spouse could have improved the M / solved your problems. Why not make the right choice now instead of compounding the wrong choices and possibly ending up even more unhappy than you are now - or ending up with regret. Do what it takes now (but really, truly make the effort and walk the walk), and if it doesn't work, then you will have peace in your life instead of potentially regretting it later on.

4. You took a sacred vow of M with your wife and, frankly, it doesn't sound like you've really done all you can to live up to that vow. But what do your vows mean other than the obvious? They mean that part of being true to your word/your vows is to have an attitude that's consistent with your promises, not just empty actions. You can control your attitude as well as your actions. I have read a lot about this, and I now understand that attitudes follow actions. Let me repeat - your attitude follows your actions. This is why people say love is a choice, not a feeling. So, if you start treating your M and your spouse as though you cherish them, you are happy to have these blessings in your life, then your attitude and your feelings of happiness will start to come around. I can think of SO many stories/ examples - I wish I could link them in here but I'm not even sure where to find them at the moment. Start by controlling your actions without thinking negative thoughts - do loving things for your spouse, things you would do if you were happy, and just see how much your attitude (and your spouse's attitude) and your happiness starts to come around.

You mention that you are afraid things will never get better. As a BS, I worry about the same thing - how do I know that my WH won't do the same thing to me again? Well, you don't know if you don't really try. It sounds so simple, and in a way it is - it's a matter of choice. On the other hand, you have to actually do it, not just make a half-@ssed attempt so that you can say you tried. Make a commitment to do it, and really do it. It can be done and you will be glad that you did.

OK - I'm done with my terrible attempt to convince you. I doubt you're convinced, but if you are, please call my WH and convince him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Just so you don't think I'm pounding on you - I want to say that I think it's really great that you are willing to try, and that you are on this board searching for information on how to address your situation. I wish you the best of luck.

nutty, are you my H???!

This is EXACTLY where he is. He says he wants to try to make it work, but isn't sure if it will. Things weren't great for a few years before his A. Yes, two to tango. I was passive aggressive, would let him have his way, but be angry about it. He put me down and didn't treat me with respect. We just drifted apart over the last few years.

He agrees that our M wasn't horrible, but he also was looking for more than our M was giving him and he found it with OW. Heck, I want more than our M was giving me, but I didn't go out and have an A. I should have told him that I ALSO was unhappy.

HOWEVER, I don't think that he really "gets it" that they didn't spend much time together, everything was fantasies and planning when and where to get together, chatting, emailing, calling, feeding each other's egos. They were both trying so hard to make each other feel good ... while at home they were doing NOTHING to make their spouses feel good.

They were planning to spend the rest of their lives together after a few months. He forgets how WE planned to spend the rest of our lives together after a few short months and now it's 15 years later. Yes, there have been ups and downs, better times and worse times.

If he would objectively look at what we have versus what they have, I think he would have to agree that WE are better together than THEY would be ... but he's not sure. He has a strong, dominant personality and so does she. In my book, that makes for a crash waiting to happen. Yes, she was able to stroke his ego and make him feel good about himself while I didn't do those things. But what happens when 5 years from now we're all trying to deal with the crap of 2 divorces and 3 children? What happens then? Will he be happy with her? Will she still be stroking his ego, or will she be trying to "wear the pants" and he will resent that?

No one has a crystal ball, but we all want one. If you put your mind to saving your M, being kind to your wife, thinking of her good points and respecting her, I would bet you that you'll make it in the long run. It will be a marathon ... you'll want to quit along the way, but you have to keep on going! You have to finish the race. I think the finish line will be sweeter than you can imagine. I hope we get to the finish line together, as partners, instead of quitting in the middle and ending up losers.

Hello nutty - I am a ws, I could have written your post, I was very unhappy in my M, for years before my A, we drifted apart, LB'ing and I ended up in an A, I gave up on my M and it was a big mistake.

We went to MC after DDay and I think seeing how much I hurt my H, how much he did love me, made me reconsider leaving. We have 5 children and I really felt I owed it to them to do everything I could to make my marriage work. My parents were divorced and I remember what it was like, I thought I really owed it to everyone, my H, my children and myself to put in an effort to have a good marriage. I have to admit I had my doubts, I kept waiting for things to go back to the way they were pre A but honestly we have put so much energy and work into our recovery I can't see either of us taking each other for granted again.

The counselling did help us learn to communicate together better, I have been working on myself, and I am sure my husband would say he is doing the same. With both of us trying we have a much better M and are doing everything we can to fulfill each others needs - I think that is really the key, if all of your needs are being fulfilled, and your partner is making every attempt to fulfill them you will be happy in your M - there would be no room for someone to come in and fill those needs. My H and I have done the emotional needs questionnaires a few times, it really has helped us discover what each other needs, desires, etc.

We have made an effort to spend alot more time together, change our old patterns of being in the same house but not really seeing each other all night. Spending quality time together has really made a big difference, we actually want to spend time together now.

Please give it some time - you have along road ahead but at the end of that road it will all be worth it. I think you should try and not think of the few years before the A but of when you married your wife and what it was about her that made you want to spend the rest of your life with her. That is the person you should look for again, - good luck Sandy

<small>[ July 15, 2004, 05:42 PM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>