I am thinking about sending H a letter and I'm not sure if it will major LB or not. I want to confront him about things I've heard and tell him how I feel. If I send the letter and I blow Plan A then what? Do I start over and how much time before I start Plan B? H and I were doing fine in Plan A until OW came to visit him (in jail) for about 2 hours by herself. Then all of a sudden he wants me off his visiting list and I haven't heard from him since. I know she had something to do with this and is using OC to her advantage. I don't want H to believe her lies about me but I don't feel I should have to defend myself either. Am desperate for advice.

Also is it necessary to give a copy of Plan B letter (when I come to that point) to OW? She will take this as a threat and pursue H that much more!

<small>[ July 15, 2004, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: Cyn1018 ]</small>

Doesn't anyone have any advice?

When you write a letter, look at what is motivating you...what do you hope to gain from it. Do you hope it will change his behavior? Manipulate him like the OW has? Then yes, it will be an LB. If you want to write him a letter and let him know how sad and hurt you are, then no, it won't be an LB, and I would suggest sending it.

Write him a letter, but keep it ALL about your feelings...

Write it in the "I" format...


I feel.......
when this happened.....
and I want...... (to stay M? to continue to talk with you? to work on our M?)

Keep the letter from sounding blaming. Talk about events while taking out any pronouns other than "I" (no "you", "she", "her", "your", "you're", etc)

You can always post it here and get feedback...

cyn,
just keep hanging in there with Plan A. We all blow it once in a while, well at least I know I do (just did a major LB on the phone). It sucks and is very hard but stay strong with it. As for plan B, how long you wait is a very personal decision. I am pretty new to MB myself (only been around for about 6 weeks now) so I am certainly no expert but my advice is to stick with plan A for the time being. Something that really helps me when I want to say something to my ww that I know will just cause a huge LB is to journal it out. Write the letter you want but do not send it. This way, you can get it out of your system and you may be able to use it as a reference point later on when you are a little stronger and can discuss things "rationally" (whatever the heck that means).

Keep on keeping on...

Cyn... I don't think you can "blow" Plan A. You can make mistakes, and you can do things that the WS percieves as LoveBuster's, but think of it as bowling. You don't always throw strikes every time. But you always "try". Mistakes can be overcome.

I haven't seen anyone on these boards who has done a "perfect" Plan A. The emotions sometimes become to much to overcome, and we just "erupt". However, Plan A requires that you apologize for your "behaviour", and then you go right back into Plan A, hoping that you learned something about yourself in the process.

Don't give up. It's hard, really, really hard, but it can be done.

SD

Confronting him with what you have heard, and telling him how you feel are NOT, in and of themselves lovebusters.

In fact, confronting is part of Plan A.

Lovebusters are specific things (Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgements, Selfish Demands, etc). So, simply express yourself without LBs.

For example "I cannot believe you would let that $%**(% come visit you, and now you take me off the %&%$ list." is positively covered in LBers.

"I understand that Ann came to see you, and now I find that I am taken off the list. I am feeling very hurt by this, and I cannot help but think your relationship with her has re-started." Is not covered in LBers.

And in my experience, a Plan B letter is sent only to the WS, not the OP. Sometimes a shorter letter is sent to the OP, simply to re-iterate your commitment and ask that he/she step aside. It rarely seems to have any effect, and as you say, can backfire.

The key elements of a Plan B letter include: your desire to stay married; your willingness to do your part in working on the marriage; that your WS continued contact with OP is too painful for you, and for that reason you are removing yourself from all contact with WS until key conditions are met: no contact with OP, commitment to full accountability for his time, cellphone calls, emails, etc, and his active role in rebuilding the marriage.

Good luck.

I saw a picture of H, OW and OC today. It made me cry. WS looked so happy I wanted to die. It literally crushed my soul. Do I mention OC at all when I send the letter? I mean he hurt me tremendously. I want to do Plan A the best I can but it is hard!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cyn1018:
<strong> I saw a picture of H, OW and OC today. It made me cry. WS looked so happy I wanted to die. It literally crushed my soul. Do I mention OC at all when I send the letter? I mean he hurt me tremendously. I want to do Plan A the best I can but it is hard! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I cannot tell if you actually understand Plan A...

It is a temporary plan of putting one's self into the ~ EN giver ~ position to encourage the WS to END the affair. "See what a great spouse you have". And simultaneously stop LBs.
No one can remain in the giver-only mode indeffinately. Plan A is emotionally exhausting .
It often fails... hence the requirement for a Plan B.
Once Plan A becomes too emotionally difficult, then Plan B is necessary to maintain sanity.

Do you understand Plan A?
Did your Plan A remain relatively LB-free?
Have you exhausted yourself emotionally doing Plan A?

With an OC in the picture, as well as your WH being a criminal, you do have a very complicated marriage.

It oft seems to me that what you want to happen in your marriage is not one of the choices available to you.

What are your choices as you see them?

Pep

<small>[ July 17, 2004, 02:32 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I want to do a good Plan A and of course followed by Plan B. I honestly felt Plan A was working. Then this major setback. Yes I do understand that you should avoid certain things, but how far do you take the A and OW and OC when doing so? I don't want him to think what he did was OK either just because now he has a baby with OW.

I guess what I want to happen is for H to see OW for the lying, cheating manipulating w**** she is. I know I can't do this for him. I just feel that the longer she's in the picture the harder it will be for him to do so, and now that OC is involved he won't.

Plan A:
WS cheats and we kiss their a** for it.

Plan B:
After we've kissed their a** long enough then they get to live with the OP in fantasyland.

OK, I'm being cynical but damn it seems that all you have to do is cheat and you too can be happy while someone else gets to be miserable!

it seems that all you have to do is cheat and you too can be happy while someone else gets to be miserable!

THIS is interesting.

Why do you think your H is "happy"?

He's sitting in jail.
His marriage is a shambles....
He fathered a child out of wedlock and is going to be financially responsible for the next 18 years...

What EXACTLY do you see as the source of HIS happiness?

What makes you so sure he's "happy"?


Pep

Because of the picture I saw of him, OW and OC. He had the biggest smile I've ever seen. OW on the other hand doesn't look happy at all. H wanted a baby and now he's got his wish. He doesn't have to be responsible while he's in jail. I don't even know 100 % for sure if the baby's even his and neither does he. He wants her to be so I guess that's all that matters. He gets to be a father without the financial obligation. He can see OC and OW on every visit. She has him right where she wants him. Yeah, they seem pretty happy to me. And Plan A is supposrd to work , how?

Cyn

Plan A is designed to work by a steady, methodical employment of the philosophy set forth by Dr. Harley.

Is it easy? No. Is it hard to do? Yes. Is it worth it? That's up to you.

How do you do it? That's the hardest part to explain. You have to decide that you can "emotionally detach" from your H and all of the wild emotions you are experiencing right now. And you have to decide that if you do Plan A, because it is your best chance of "saving your marriage" right now, that it WILL work. You have to BELIEVE. You have to have HOPE. You have to have the DESIRE to make it work, and knowing that it might not, be prepared to go into Plan B.

Now that's a pretty tall order, right? Yep, it is. And it will be as hard, or harder to do, as anything you've ever done. Is it worth it? That decision is entirely up to you. You must decide if you want WH back badly enough to do this.

If you aren't certain you DO want him back, you cannot do Plan A, and be successful at it. The ball is in your court. You have to take charge of your life, and decide if you desire WH to be a part of your future. Then you must take action to make whatever you WANT, to happen.

Plan A is all or nothing. It will take all you've got to do it. It's all up to you, and what you want.

Good luck

SD

She has him right where she wants him.

Really? Where is that? In jail.... no money... still married... what is she getting out of this?

She wants a financially irresponsible father for her child? She likes visiting him in jail?

Interesting... he's this great prize in her eyes... yet he offers ... what attributes?

I just don't see it.

Pep

ShatteredDreams,

You've given some great advice here. I don't know if it helped cyn but it sure helped me. Sometimes I feel just like she does - H started the affair because he was unhappy about things he NEVER thought to discuss with me, claims he's so happy with her (yet he's still here with me 9 months after the first D day because he doesn't want to give up his family. He refuses to give her up and I am trying to do a spectacular job of PLAN A which means I really am sucking up my feelings. He gets to take advantage of all I have to offer him AND his emotional addiction to her while I sit here hurting and wondering when it's all going to end.
Sometimes when we talk together about our relationship he says he wants to write a letter to OW and cut off contact with her then other times he insists he WON'T (said like a 2 year old's tantrum) give her up until he's ready. Cyn, this really does suck!!

I don't know what to do. Doing nothing just makes the pain that much more intense. Yet I want to write to H and tell him how I feel but don't think it will do any good.

I don't think OW will stay much longer with H. She can't be without a man, baby or no baby. I want H back desperately but I don't want him just because OW leaves him either.

When she does leave his world will be shattered. Maybe that's what he needs.

I wish I knew what to do.

I don't know what to do.

Then don't do anything until you are sure of your actions.

Doing nothing just makes the pain that much more intense.

How about this;

You sit with your pain instead of trying to run around and do something with it.

Just sit with it.

Then do something nice for yourself.

Yet I want to write to H and tell him how I feel but don't think it will do any good.

He knows how you feel already, right? Haven't you done this over and over?

I don't think OW will stay much longer with H. She can't be without a man, baby or no baby.

I doubt your husband meets most of her needs sitting in jail.

I want H back desperately but I don't want him just because OW leaves him either.

Yes...

When she does leave his world will be shattered. Maybe that's what he needs.

Well.... there is not much you can do to make them do your bidding.... so relax a little... time has a way of unraveling certain things... their affair will play out one way or another... try to keep your fingerprints off their affair.


I wish I knew what to do.

Circle back to the beginning... relax. Wait. Take care of yourself. Stress is harmful.

Pep

The letter I want to write has to do with things I've heard and also about OW. His believing anything anyone says about me without even trying to find out the truth. Also the fact that he wanted me on his visiting list until OW came to see him and his believed all her lies. He's getting moved soon and "he" decides who's on the list. Once it's finalized it can't be changed. We were doing good until that one visit. She twisted things around to suit her own needs and once again I'm the one paying the price. She is in control. I haven't heard from him since. I'm afraid if I lose touch I will lose him forever. I was in Plan B a year ago at this time and it was a nightmare.

OW may not be getting much while he's in jail but I don't think that matters to her. "She" can have her cake and eat it too. I think it thrills her to know that she has H and I don't. She is vindictive. Anyone who knows her ultimately pays a price.

I think it thrills her to know that she has H and I don't. She is vindictive.

She has H? No she does not. He is in jail. The government has him!

If she is vindictive, then leave them alone. She will poison the relationship herself. As I told you .... I see no benifit FOR YOU to intervene at this time.

Why not enjoy this time instead? Go to the movies. Read books. Take up cycling. Dance lessons. Make jewelry.

Stay busy.

Pep

I truly want to do the best Plan A I possibly can. The problem is under the circumstances I don't know how!