I posted this on the EN Board, but it probably needs to be here.... I started out on the EN board because I didn't know my H was having an A.

On May 15 I discovered my H had a PA, and on June 17th I learned what I believe to be the full truth (the actual "extent" of the affair) when she called our house.

I spoke to her briefly (calmly and respectfully) and then handed the phone over to my H and made him put her on speaker phone. It was during that conversation that I learned that he how much lied to both of us during his affair. The conversation ended with OW agreeing tearfully not to contact him/us any more (I calmly asked her to step out of my H's/our life so that we could continue to work on rebuilding out M). She is young (24) and immature and never considered the possibility that he was lying to her too...

My H met OW through his work, although he does not work with her. There was a PA from Sept '03 - early April '04 with what I believe to be an EA prior to and perhaps after.

My H talked to her using his work provided cell phone and the met at her apartment (about 1/2 drive from our home)during work hours only. He is in the engineering field and spend a LOT of time away from the office. This how he was able to see OW without my knowledge.

He has promised not to contact her, says the affair is over, has expressed extreme remorse.

I was completely naive, and am so amazed that he could lie with such ease. I was so VERY stupid and never suspected until the very end.

Positive things:
A NC letter was sent on June 21. We've had caller ID placed on our phone. He has given me access codes to his cell phone voicemail and voicemail at work. He has given me a key to his work truck. He has promised not to erase any voicemail messages he receives and to show me his cell phone call log (the phone will hold 20 calls at a time - he gets a great deal more than that daily). He calls me regularly during the day (from the cell phone), tells me his schedule and is letting me know when it changes. We've worked out a plan to have accountability for our money, etc. He has severed the business relationship with her company (found another business that could do the same job her company was doing).

This is all great (really), but the fact remains that he still could be having contact with her (I NEVER in a million years though he would have an affair and trusted him completely prior to this). We'd been seeing a therapist since June of 03, and he of course was lying to him too (we are still seeing him, and H has told him about the affair since I found out).

Since the cell phone was their "lifeline" I have a big problem with his continuing to use the same number and knowing she could call him anytime and he could easily erase the number (I want to believe that he won't, but I can't rely on that).

I've asked that he start getting an itemized copy of the phone bill (that lists calls) but because it is a company account he has had difficulty with this. He says he's been working on it, and that he has been told that the cell phone company will provide this at the "next billing cycle".

I basically feel nuts about all these "precautions" but at the same time I think I would BE NUTS not to distrust him. I love him dearly, but until I feel safe, I can't see myself on a firm road to recovery.

Harley recommends extreme measures to separate affair partners. I don't want to move or for him to quit his job. I don't think that is necessary, but I wonder if I should be pushing for something more drastic.

When is enough actually enough when it comes to rebuilding trust?

ddc