I recently found out about my H's possible affair. (We have been married for 10 years). He recently looked up an ex girlfriend, they have had lunches, OW told him she still has feelings for him- don't know what H told OW, they have called eachother (I researched the cell bill after I found out about their contact), gifts exchanged (from her to him is all I know about), etc. Many lies have been told about their relationship and amount of calls/visits/etc. H still doesn't know everything I know (H has an anger problem and I am afraid to tell/ask H questions). I can't prove an A happened, but I suspect. They agreed to call off their relationship since 2 families were hurt by the reestablished 'friendship' (supposedly she told her H about their relationship as well and he was upset). E-mails still take place- although I don't know extent (I have only been told about a few) and H doesn't call her with cell phone now that he knows the details come with the bill. We went into counseling with our pastor because of this and his anger. H has lied to our pastor about their relationship (but I proved privately with paper trails- cell phone bill, etc) so pastor knows I am telling the truth. I desperately want to talk to OM to see if he knows truth or details I don't know. I wonder if that would help me. If my H found out- I am pretty sure he would D me. I don't want to hurt the OM or anyone else- but I want the truth. Any ideas? Thank you.

Koala, the chances of your getting divorced are much greater if you DON'T call the OWH and do everything in your power to put an end to this affair. And yes, the affair is ongoing if they are still in contact. I suspect they are still in contact, but just being sneakier. If you contact the OWH he can probably give you much needed information and help you end the affair. The benefits far outweigh any short term negatives.

Where does he email FROM? Is it from a home computer where you could read the emails?

It's important to do everything possible to end the affair at this point regardless of how angry it makes your H. That includes talking to the OWH and EXPOSING his affair to family and friends. You do not have the luxury of letting his anger scare you right now, your marriage is at stake here.

<small>[ July 15, 2004, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

ditto Mel

Yes, raise your concerns with OW's H (I assume you're referring to him as "OM"? Just refer to him as OW's H.)

Do it calmly from the standpoint that you suspect that things have not stopped. Be calm.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If my H found out- I am pretty sure he would D me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Baloney. If he's inferred this it's because he wants to keep things secret and he expects you to cower. Surprise him by calling his bluff by contacting OW's H. Do it with purpose and confidence and when he confronts you about it, ADMIT it! "Damn right I contacted him! Did you expect me to sit idly by?"

You will be hurting others only if you DON'T get to the bottom of this.

<small>[ July 15, 2004, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

You could also alert the OWH to the fact that contact is still taking place. Will your H agree to end contact?

Thank you both for such fast responses. Also for correcting my abbreviations (I have been reading this site for months and still don't understand them all :-)). My H uses his work laptop for all e-mails to OW and I assume work phone as well. He also has a text pager, but haven't caught anything there yet with them. He erases everything the minute he comes home- has for years (after I caught him flirting with another woman via the pager- now I'm sure you think I'm stupid for staying- H was angry at me btw for catching them paging that way). He has claimed ever since that he cleans it out every night or it would get too full. I have finally told a couple of friends and a few family members- I have total support there. Family, friends, and pastor are afraid of his temper too and how he will react. He is better- but I know he will never change. I'm waiting for my big moment (anger) to file for D. Until that time comes- could be months- I'm stewing about this info and my curiosity is neverending. H agreed to end contact at first- but didn't stay true to it. I will contact the OWH. I will let you know how it goes. I have read some posts about that- any advice on how to do it effectively?

koala, can you get to his laptop long enough to install spyware?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by koala:
<strong> He erases everything the minute he comes home- has for years (after I caught him flirting with another woman via the pager- now I'm sure you think I'm stupid for staying- H was angry at me btw for catching them paging that way). </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He was angry because you CAUGHT him?? How did he rationalize that? Does he have a drinking problem?

I think you have bigger problems than a possible A. You are afraid of your husband. Has there been any abuse?

MelodyLane- I do not have access to H laptop- and on the rare occassion that H brings it home- it is password protected tight. Regarding drinking problem- H rarely drinks anymore (blames me for that), but when H does- H gets mean and then forgets H got mean- doesn't believe me.
Believer- There has been abuse- from what I have been reading- verbal abuse (verbal abuse includes throwing things, punching walls, etc).
The pastor and attorneys have asked me to wait until the next blow up to D because they are afraid of H temper also. Since our first joint session with the pastor- H hasn't acted out much in anger. I think H is scared of D.
Do you both think I should still contact OWH? Any advice on how to do that? I'm afraid of that phone call.
Thanks so much!