This is going to be a long post. I've been married for 3 years. For the last year, I have been a stay at home dad. I keep the kids all day while my wife is working, from 7am till 6pm. Its a very demanding job since we have 3 sons, 1,3,5.

We get along very well, hardly ever fight. I never thought there were any serious problems with our relationship.

My time as a stay at home father has really opened my eyes to the importance of family. I am so self giving and willing to do whatever it takes to make my wife and kids happy. I am a very different person that I used to be. Much more emotional and caring.

Recently my wife has formed a very strong emotional attachment to a male coworker. I could see it coming because I caught her several times lying to me about her whereabouts. I found out it was him and she said she just lies because she doesn't want me to get jealous. They are just friends.

These lies went on for 2 months. During this time, she fell in love with him. I was unable to stop it and never knew the seriousness till it was too late.

After much discussion, my wife confessed to me that her love for me had diminished because we weren't "together". Here are examples, I am very tired from my long day with the boys, when she gets home, we get everything together and when the boys go to bed. We would sort of retreat to our own vices. She would do her thing, I would do mine. Although sometimes in the same room. We were very seperate. Not a whole lot of conversation and what not.

This had been a problem for her under the surface but she never told me. She likes to avoid conflict at all costs and has trouble letting me know things she doesn't like. Had she told me, I would have changed my habits for her. I love her.

She says she knows she should have told me and blames herself for our falling apart. I guess in reality we are both to blame. We weren't doing the things necessary to stay in love.

Well, this falling out of love with me put her in a vulnerable state and this other person came along. She wasn't strong enough to resist. When he came into the picture it sort of compounded our problems and now my wife sees them as insurmountable. I think partially because she feels that if she has feelings for this other person, it must be over for us.

I have been trying to get her to try to work things out with me. We have so much to lose. The kids, ourselves, our relatives. She still is so reluctant to put forth the effort. She says she doesnt feel anything for me. She still cares about me alot. About my feelings and my wellbeing. We still have sex and she still hates to see me hurt.

Well, I called the guy and asked him to back off my wife and explained to him my reasoning. He agreed he would try. She decided that she would stop seeing the him COMPLETELY for a while. No emails, no calls, no lunches, no nothing. She told him over a lunch yesterday. While I have my doubts as to whether she can do this. She sounded very sincere that she would.

In my opinion, he is the biggest obstacle we have to face. She says that if she had it to do over again, she wouldn't have gotten close to him. But even though she isn't going to be seeing him. I can't help but think that in the back of her mind, she knows he's there waiting for her. And if she keeps that mentality, its going to be so much harder to mend our lives.

I asked her how we were going to go about fixing our marriage. She said she wasn't sure she wanted to fix it. She just wanted to wait and see what happens. I finally got it out of her that she was really just waiting for me to realize it wasn't going to work.

This morning we talked and she says she is going to try to spend more time with me. Make me her priority and see if we can maybe fix this thing. We have been reading the website
and it seems to make sense to her. Tonite we are going to do the emotional needs questionaire and begin to try to become more close.

My biggest concerns are her feelings for the other man, and how long she is willing to stick it out. At times she really feels it's hopeless, but she's going to try it because her family and myself so adamantly want her to try.

She means the world to me. My love for her now is stronger than it has ever been. There is really no length I wouldn't go to make her happy. I just really want to have her back with me and keep our family intact. My kids and her are the center of my world.

Is there any advice you can offer me in my quest to win back the woman of my dreams?

Thanks for reading.

Compared to a lot of people on this board (including myself) you are in a very good position and have a very good chance of success. Plan A is definately the way for you two to go. I would also suggest getting into marriage counseling. The fact that she has agreed to no contact with OM (she does need to send a letter) and that she is staying with you to work things out tells me that you two will survive. You two need to spend a lot of time together. Is there someone who could watch the children so you could go away for a weekend? If not, the little free time you have after the kids go to bed needs to be spent together, no TV, no computer, but just the two of you reconnecting.

Plan A is your best bet. Is the OM married?

yes, he is married. He's been having problems with his wife and has even suggested that he was going to tell her about my wife. I think that is part of her attraction to him. She feels that she can relate to him because not everything in our marriage is picture perfect either.

the part I truly cannot understand is this. How can my wife not choose me over him. We have been together 7 years, married 3. We have 3 wonderful sons, a nice home, great in-laws. etc. She's willing to risk all this for a man who's been married 16 years. He's 35 years old, has no kids. Does she think a 35 year old man that has no previous desire to have kids is going to interact well with 3 kids ages, 1,3,5. I don't understand where her sense of reason has gone. To me its completely insane.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Okay, first thing for you to do is contact OM's wife. Sometimes when light is shed on the affair, it ends.

Don't feel so alone. None of us could believe that this happened to us.

It does seem insane, my wife recently had a affair 4 months ago with a egyptian, muslim tour guide while in Cairo, he was separated with 2 kids. fortunatly for us there was no way for the affair to continue.

We have been married for 18 years with 3 kids, our story is quite differant though. With out going into great detail, I feel alot of responsibility for driving her into the arms of another man because of the emotional neglect that she had suffered.

an physical affair with not much attachment and emotion would probably be alot easier for us to overcome, but the fact that she has built an emotional bond with this person is making it EXTREMELY difficult.

Level3, I understand your frustration and pain. You and I are in a very similar state (4 kids, nice home, great in-laws). You cannot make sense of something that is not real. I "relationship" cannot be built on a foundation of lies and deceit. So their relationship is NOT real, it just feels that way. The emotional bond is a counterfeit.

My W's EA was with her first BF from high school (BTW: OM is married with 2 kids). She claims to have always loved him. But they have not even seen each other for 15+ years. They wrote to each other about how they are a "prefect" love that will span all time. Umm, excuse me, what about the ten years we have been married? What about our four kids? The moral is don't buy the lies brought on by hormones (aka the fog).

I know this sounds weird, but your W must end the other relationship and then grieve the loss. This is not easy for the BS. See a MC, you will be surprised what will come out. The PA/EA is the symptom, an empty love bank is the problem. The MC will help you discover why yours/hers is empty and how you can start refilling it.

Hang in there. Vent here as needed. Ask questions here. Don't try to make sense of the nonsense or sanity of the insanity. I feel your pain brother!

yeah, the first step is completely rid our lives of him... I'm not sure how easy that will be. She has agreed not to see him 2 other times already with no success.

The first 2 times were when she was lying to me and I suspected it was going on. She insisted they were just friends. This time seemed to be different. Partially because I called him and let him know how I felt and asked him to please remove himself and allow us to fix our marriage. He agreed to give us space.

My wife then talked with him and they agreed, no email, no calls, no contact, and if he was having a problem at work, he would take it to a different person.

Still though, I can't help but feel she is going to fall back in the same rut. I truly believe if she were to commit to not seeing him completely we could work this out on our own.

Our problems were there, but they weren't as big as they seem. He compounds our problems into a huge mess. If I were able to stop this before it got out of hand, I think we could have fixed things relatively easily. Sometimes life sucks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Time to get into Plan A. Also notify his wife. Actually your wife should change jobs. Is that a possibility?

That's why it is utterly important to tell the OM's wife. Tell coworkers, family and friends. What has made the A exciting and so full of hormonal love is the adolescent feeling that it's a secret, special, and that it's wrong...take that all away and they become 2 coworkers that made a grave error in judgement.

Right now she seems to be wanting the M and wanting to work on things, and I understand you not wanting to rock the boat. Get the book Surviving an Affair and it spells out Plan A...exposure and fulfilling her EN's while cutting out the LB's.

Take the EN questionnaire. Make an appt for a MC. And be prepared...it may not be enough that she has no contact with him at work...she may need to change jobs.

I know this seems harsh, but I beleive it is not the natural tendency for us humans to be monogamous (and we can start having children as early as 11) but we have to make VERY special considerations to keep the temptation away.

Dr. Harley is very clear about this...no friendships with people of the opposite sex. No getting into situations where you might be alone with someone of the opposite sex. No secret email accounts or cell phones. Being accountable for your time. Make all your accounts and phones open to your S (goes both ways). When you are accountable to your S it makes you think twice about trying to hide things...

my wife made it pretty clear that it woulnd't be a good idea for me to contact his wife. I think my wife might have an adverse reaction to that.

and besides, he said he was gonna tell his wife anyways, or was that just lies?

The two of them dont work closely together. Not even the same building. Adjacent buildings. But if he has problems with expense issues, he takes them to her dept.

At his point in her tenure there it would be hard for her to change jobs. Also we depend on her financially since I stay at home with the children. And to be honest, I don't know if she would do it anyways. She's still not sure she wants to be with me.

Counseling. Well, she is completely against it. She is ok with reading the things on this site and trying some of them out. But she will not go to counseling. I've asked her several times. She has a real communication problem that we need to really get past.

just out of curiosity, what does exposure accomplish in the grand scheme of things? Like telling his wife, her coworkers, family, etc?

I commend you both for being here. And you don't know me, I'm actually a very sweet and soft spoken person, but I will lay that aside.

I've been on here long enough, and have heard the excuses. Everyone goes through recovery in their own fashion, BUT, when your WS balks at MC and at exposure, it leaves the door open for hte A to continue. Exposure will burn a bridge.

No, no WS is happy about exposure. They are ashamed of their actions and it feels a bit like rubbing their face in it. What this does is let's the truth out. What if you were the BS that didn't know about the A and the OM's wife did, would you want her to tell you? It is ESSENTIAL that you tell the OM's wife. Yes, WW will be unhappy, threaten, cajole, persuade, harangue, be silent, whatever, to manipulate you to not tell, but it is a bit like living with a poison inside your body...you have found the antidote, and now it's time to share with the OM's wife that she too has the poison and can find her antidote too.

Not agree to MC? that's OK, for now. You find an IC and ask her to join you later.

I may be reading too much into this, tell me if I'm wrong. She is a strong, capable, competent woman who has made many of the financial decisions and business decisions in the family. She has a great deal of power in the family and doesn't feel this is entirely wrong, after all, she deserves some fun, she works hard. In a way she sees you as an obstacle to having what she wants. She is willing to work on the M but doesn't have much hope because her life is really outside of the family and she has found someone who shares that. She doesn't want to go to MC because she has her views, has worked hard to be confident in them, and doesn't want someone to shake that confidence. Just a thought, she reminds me of ME!

REASON number 1: Exposure ends affairs, by ruining secrecy, injecting conflict and bringing about moral scrutiny and accountability of the partners.

*affairs need secrecy....when you keep it secret, you become a third party in an affair...an enabler.

*exposing affairs brings the censure of the WS's peers and family in such a way that can help them rethink their actions and reawaken their morality....afterall...if all of us were video taped our whole lives...how many would act immorally if everyone would immediately know?

*because affairs work like addictions, telling the other spouse (as well as others) ensures that the A has pressure on both ends and other sources, to stop. When BOTH marriages have accountability...contact becomes twice as difficult to resume. The results of resuming an affair are so devastating, that it's a necessary pain.

*Without the other spouse knowing, and with secrecy intact, no accountability....what's to keep the OP from repeating this with someone else? Don't assume that this is a one time thing. Or that there is no possibility that it could happen again. When you keep this information from the people directly involved, you set those people up for a repetition of it. No accountability=vulnerability.

*The other spouse deserves the option of being tested for STDs since her mate has been unfaithful.

*The other spouse deserves the option of repairing their marriage knowing what condition it is in. How can they change, meet their spouse's needs, understand the vulnerability without knowing the facts? My husband's affairs are one reason I have become the wife that I am. I have faced these demons and changed myself and my marriage so that we don't repeat the same mistakes. Honesty saves marriages...not lies. Lies undermine the very foundation of marriage...in fact, marriages can survive affairs...but not dishonesty. The stronger the other marriage....the less risk of re-contact.

*growth is painful. Learning that actions have consequences is what shapes our futures and gives us the opportunity to grow. If an OP walks away from this with just happy memories...what does he learn? He learns that he can have affairs with no accountability. He learns that he can lie without consequence. He learns that some how he is outside of the rules. How good of a husband/wife do you suppose that will make him?

EDITTED TO ADD: I originally wrote this for someone else.....so that is why there are references to the OP that might not seem to apply here. Please substitue WS for OP in this instance...because it applies to both A partners.

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 09:44 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Telling his W is just morally right. It's like why would you take part in doing the "secret" to her now that you know!????

It also puts the pressure on the OP. May be his "lies" to your W will be revealed???

Is your W in authority of the OM at work??? If she is, she could be putting her own job in jeoprady???(IF her job ever finds out!?)

Exposure brings everyone into the "truth" and makes it more difficult to continue the "lie". I.E....his W now is a set of eyes too!!! Then the A becomes not SO FUN!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Blessings,
Atruheart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

A few points....

First, I can relate to your situation. My WW's first A was with a male coworker. First A. Our recovery (and I use the term loosely) lasted about 4 months before she found another coworker, then another. Pretty picture, eh?

My WW said many of the exact same things yours has said.

My mistakes:
1. Not making it a requirement that she change jobs. It essentially sent the message that this was OK. It wasn't.

2. Not exposing. To anyone. I don't think it's necessary to "billboard" it as in SAA, if she truly has ended the A, but perhaps a sit down with her/your parents if they're close and give them an overview, tell them you are going to work on it and would appreciate thier support. OM's wife is a no-brainer. It won't be comfortable. You W will not like it.

3. Trusting too soon. You have no reason to trust your W. Period. It is uncomfortable, to have to think of your spouse in that way, but if the shoe fits...... Find a way to keep tabs on her. Spyware on the computer, cell phone, whatever.....

My advice:

Read the sections about infidelity here. Also read about Lovebusters, and Emotional needs. Go out and buy "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley, if you haven't already.

Define what it will take to make you feel safe now. Tell her, in explicit terms, (without lovebusting) what that is. (Whatever it is.)

Expose to OM's wife.

Explain to your families.

Define what future behavior will be a "deal breaker." If you define it, than stand by it. Whatever that means to you.

Counseling. MC. If she won't go, than go by yourself.

If you're not in Plan A, get there.

Post. Ask questions. Think before you speak. And if something comes up and you're unsure of how to handle it, ask. Someone will help out.

Good Luck,
Ethan

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 10:03 AM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

well, my wife has yet again betrayed my trust... she just emailed him a few minutes ago. Not that it was a special email or contained anything disconsorting. But the fact remains she promised no contact and didn't come through. She didn't even last a day. I don't know how much more of this I can take. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Level3:
<strong> well, my wife has yet again betrayed my trust... she just emailed him a few minutes ago. Not that it was a special email or contained anything disconsorting. But the fact remains she promised no contact and didn't come through. She didn't even last a day. I don't know how much more of this I can take. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1. You will be surprised with what you can take. But don’t take crap just to take crap. However, hang in there, so long as there is hope.

2. Betrayal of trust early on is a common occurrence. Call her on it. Get that NC letter written and if possible have WS and OM sign it. Everyone gets a copy.

3. I know you see the OM as the source of all the problems. But guess what, he isn’t. Remember he is a symptom. At one point your W’s Ens were being met in your home. I know this is hard, but you need to look at and work on yourself. Please read ALL the general concepts and then read them again. Do the EN survey, have your W do it too, then trade surveys.

You are in our prayers!