so like, should I try to rebuild our love bank even though she is still lying to me? Is it even worth it if she keeps straying? I don't really know how to handle the situation. Should I be very adamant when I confront her tonite about lying to me AGAIN? Should I let it slide? Should I just work on fulfilling my duties as a husband to the fullest and hope that's enough? I just feel like it's hopeless if she keeps going back. Even if its just to talk. I realize we have other problems, but how can I address them like this? This is so hard on me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Level3:
<strong> so like, should I try to rebuild our love bank even though she is still lying to me? Is it even worth it if she keeps straying? I don't really know how to handle the situation. Should I be very adamant when I confront her tonite about lying to me AGAIN? Should I let it slide? Should I just work on fulfilling my duties as a husband to the fullest and hope that's enough? I just feel like it's hopeless if she keeps going back. Even if its just to talk. I realize we have other problems, but how can I address them like this? This is so hard on me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are primarily two motivators that are effective in getting a person to live in reality. One is to make the fantasy life too uncomfortable to live in. The second is to make reality more attractive than the fantasy life. I believe you have to work both towards the middle. So, yes you should make deposits in her LB. The good news is that she will know that you love her even though she is hurting you. The bad news is that in the short term she might be angry that you make LB deposits. By making the deposits you are applying motivation 1 (making it difficult to knowingly hurt you) and motivation 2 (being someone who loves even when one is not being lovable).

When you confront her avoid having any expectations of a positive response. You motive should be to simply state the facts and remind her of the promise. Whatever you do not “let it slide”, that works against both the motivators.

A MC really helps in working through things. It’s not like laying on a leather couch and being queried by Sigmund Freud. It is really about a neutral party creating a safe battleground in which to wrestle with the issues. You need to see the MC even if she won’t. Work on yourself and you will be applying both of the above-mentioned motivators.

level,,


It love busted me bad when I found out my wife lied about NC, I was all ready to do plan B.
I was about to rid myself of her when it finally was made clear to me that affairs do not go quietly in to the night. You have withdraw from WW and OM what you have to do is make this affair die a natural death or it will not die at all. Have you read how affairs begin and how affairs should end. Be loving but also be persistent and contious.
Sure your wife said NC, its just not that easy, affairs are addictions. Do whatever you can, without love busting or breaking the law to complicate this affair.
If you feel later on that you have done everything you can and contact still exist its time to plan B it.

well, thanks for all the advice... but even though my wife said she was willing to try... her heart isn't in it. She said that she couldn't go on without the other man. She has just left to stay in our 2nd home to sort things out for a while. So now its just me and the 3 boys here. We'll sort out later when she can see them. It was the hardest thing I've ever faced watching her leave... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

All WS's say the same thing. They don't want you to tell the OP's spouse. And they get furious when you tell. That is the script.

If you want to save your marriage, tell his wife.
Affairs thrive on secrecy. Shed some light on it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Level3:
<strong>...but even though my wife said she was willing to try... her heart isn't in it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It wont be for a while. She has to get away and grieve.

so how do I act when I talk to and see her. We have 3 kids together so there will be lots of interaction. I will have them during the week, while she takes them for the weekend. Should I act like it doensn't bother me and that I'm trying to move on? Or should I really show her how much I miss her? Should I be very nice to her or indifferent? Which behavior gives me the best possible chance?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Level3:
<strong> so how do I act when I talk to and see her. We have 3 kids together so there will be lots of interaction. I will have them during the week, while she takes them for the weekend. Should I act like it doensn't bother me and that I'm trying to move on? Or should I really show her how much I miss her? Should I be very nice to her or indifferent? Which behavior gives me the best possible chance? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that trying to “act” a specific way does not work. Honesty seems to be the best form of communication. The trick seems to be in using honest statements about your feelings without “dumping” emotionally on your WS. If you have not read the “Basic Concepts”, do so right away. Pay special attention to “The Policy of Radical Honesty” and “Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation”.

You have to be the person you are. Sure you can improve yourself (we all need that), but if you try to be someone just to get her back, it wont last. Work on yourself. Be honest with her and yourself. Resist the urge to make something happen.

just wanted to let everyone in on a little update... its amazing how many lies a wife can tell when she's in lust for someone else...

so it turns out that the OM is actually already seperated and his spouse lives in a different state. Not sure exactly why she lied about this... but she confessed it to me yesterday at the time she confessed she would be staying with the OM and his roommate.

It sickens me to think of my wife sleeping in the same bed as him. I mean, IT'S MY WIFE! If she really wanted time to figure things out, it seems to me she could do it in neutral territory. Not in his OWN house! grrr

I am starting to come out of my funk though. Have began eating, sleeping a little better, and what not. I'm not sure if its time or if it's the fact that my wife and I had a good conversation last night about the state of things and she left me with a lot of hope. She's done this before though so I know I must be careful.

The fallout from this affair has already started to rear it's head... see our oldest son is adopted. He is the biological son of my wife's cousin. Well, seeing as how my wife has decided to leave the house, her cousin is now trying to find a way to get the son she gave up back. She is currently in contact with attorneys to see if anything can be done. My wife called me with the news this morning. She was very upset, as was I.

I just told her that she made her bed, now she has to lie in it. I told her this was just the beginning. She asked if we could be civil if our situation came to a place like this. I said that I didn't know. She's caused me a lot of pain and if it went that far, I might not be the loving, caring person I am now. I let her know I would not lay down for her in court and I would stand up straight for whatever I wanted.

I think she may be beginning to realize just how broad the ramifications of what she has done are.

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: Level3 ]</small>

Hey Level3,

Are you still hanging in there? I sure hope so. I am still hanging tuff. Today, for me, is an up day. You may be amazed how you will have both up days and down days and often times without any real reason or cause. Enjoy the up days and hang on tight during the down days.