Hey everyone. I have decided to just go on with my life like my husband is dead. He is dead to me. Yesterday was my stepson's birthday. This is the boy that I have helped raise for 15 years.

So my stepson invited my boys (his step brothers) to his birthday party. I asked my boys not to go, but they went anyway.

So WH was there, and also OW.

Today I told my sons that I am not happy that they decided to go the stepson's party. I talked with each son. I told them that it is not okay in my book to bring another person to a party while you are still married.

Both boys told me that they were very uncomfortable while there.

So should I just get over this?

{{{Believer}}}

Maybelet this be up to them, how they want to deal with it?

Let WH stress about it.

I am so sorry you were hurt by your children's actions.

I grew up in a very similar situation. My father divorced my mother when I was 9 yrs old and married my mother's friend just a few months later.

She had four children. My brother (9 years older than me) had already moved in with my father and the step brothers and sister.

My dad would constantly invite me to visit, go on trips, etc.

I was the only child home with my mom, and my dad had literally broken her heart.

She would be so hurt every time I went. I know it was terrible for her.

Please don't think I discount your pain when I say this...not at all. I have seen my mother go through so much pain that I could never just tell you to let it go.

However, I ended up saying no to my dad many times because I didn't want to hurt my mom.

As a result, my brother is very close to my step brothers and sister, and it is a little different for me. I have hurt over this. They are still part of my family, but I missed out on many times together.

I did not want my mom to hurt. I am sure your children don't want you to hurt. I can't imagine how you feel.

Your children would probably never resent you, but I did struggle with those feelings as I grew. NOw I understand more and am just getting close to them now.

They will not ever love OW like you. Even if she stayed around, trust me, they will never love anyone like you.

Blessings and hugs,
Pam

Believer, I'm not a parent. But it seems to make sense that you'd want to protect your boys from witnessing the chaos and sickness and immorality of WH's ongoing A, shown off to them as if it were okay.

And just because you don't want your WH any more, that doesn't mean you don't still carry the pain of what he's done to you. Having the OW paraded around in front of your sons is bound to bother you, regardless of how you feel toward the WH.

If they're old enough to be uncomfortable around OW, then I guess they are aware that they're sometimes put in a position where they have to choose between people they care about. They probably need some experience before they know how to handle it.

But my perspective is different too, so I may have it wrong. I do think it may be a little facile to say "WS is dead to me". What do you think?

GC

I also cannot imagine if DD goes out with WS and OW is there to tag along. WS has not done such a thing yet but i sure hell knows how it would feel like if that happens to me.

However, i have come to accept the fact that if we do end up divorce i cannot stop this from happening.

We have to accept it believer.

Dont let it affect you...our kids should not feel the pain or guilt of having to choose between their father and mother.

You still care too much for WS. You need to stop caring. They say that you feel numb when you stop caring. If you stop caring then you wont feel anything if your kids meet with WH and OW because you dont care.

Dont ask because you dont want to know because you dont care.

This is the attitude you must act on when it comes to WS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Dear Believer,

Have just logged on before school rush starts.

I am so sorry for this pain and heartache you are going through in this situation.

I know the pain is so real for you and must hurt so much especially when children are involved.

RAP your pain must have been so much in the situation you grew up with too. Torn between parents and the sadness.

I know I haven't experienced that in my childhood (sadly both my mum & dad died) also my grandparents, so I only have my two elder sisters in our family left. No aunts or uncles left either.

I can only offer a tiny thing which I hope doesn't hurt anyone but will be a sort of 'bandaid', because I know the enemy will try his hardest to develop it in us all through our various painful situations..

He has tried to get me to feel'bitter' against OM for the 'wreck' I feel inside, and for how OM seems to be moving on and happy. (I read you are struggling with this too RAP)

Your pain is deeper pain Believer because it is the pain and hurt and betrayal of a BS.

You are such a special and caring person Believer. Look at how you have raised the children. I read your posts to people and your care and concern for others just shines through.

You check on people to make sure they are doing ok and you help them.

You have special gifts and talents.

I Just want you to know how special you are. Don't let WH or OW take that away from you.

You are special believer
you are special believer
you are special believer
you are special believer
you are special believer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Kas <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


It is the tiny seed of bitterness....

believer,

I agree that it was inappropriate for him to invite the OW to the party but your boys are entitled to a carry on a life with their SB's.

Did you offer to have a party of your own for your SS or to do something special for his BD one on one or even with your boys?

I hope you chose to participate in some way, shape or form and will continue to share in your SS's life as should your boys.

Don't let the feelings you have for your WH come between you and the others that you love.

believer,

Just wanted to make sure you saw the replies.

You are loved. Your importance does not depend on your WS.

Hugs to you,
Pam

PS. I can give the advice, now I need to learn to take it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: runawaypot ]</small>

graycloud -

It may be a little facile to say that my husband is dead to me, but he is.

My husband was a completely different person before the A. He was the spiritual leader in our home. We had Bible studies weekly as one big happy family.

My WH is a Christian, and not a quiet one. He professes his faith to everyone, at work, wherever.

My problem is that he has been the spiritual leader in our home, but now has OW going to family events. I don't know how he justifies this in his mind, but he does.

I have been shut out from everyone in his family. They are all too embarrassed about my WH's actions.

I know that I will move on, but we are NOT divorced. So in the meantime I feel it is very disrespectful for WH to have his OW at family events.

Believer,
Let me tell you a story. This doesn't apply to my current situation, and not closely related to yours, but the message is very clear.

My 1st husband and I divorced due to DV 16 years ago. My daughter was only 9 months old. Eventually my XH remarried, and I felt threatened by his new wife, not to who she was to me, but her place in my children's lives.

Fast forward, my daughter begins to call H new wife mommysherry. This bothered me to NO end, and I reminded my daughter who was ALL of 6 at the time, she is NOT your mommy, you have ONE mommy and ONE daddy.

Of course she didn't understand, and I was too stupid to see the damage I was causing my child. Christmas came, and yet another mention of mommysherry, I lost it, told my DD, I am NOT going to tell you AGAIN.

Several hours later, I found my beautiful DD on her bed crying, with an eraser in one hand and a gift in her hand. She had made something for her mommysherry at school for christmas and was trying DESPERATElY to erase the mommy part from the tag. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I CRY TO THIS DAY, EVERY TIME I THINK OF THAT MOMENT AND THE PAIN I CAUSED MY OWN PRECIOUS BABY GIRL BECAUSE OF SOMETHING SHE COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND AND CERTAINLY DIDN'T NEED TO BE IN THE MIDDLE OF. MY BABY GIRL WILL BE 18, YET I STILL HAVE THAT 6 YEAR OLD, TEARS ROLLING DOWN HER FACE, BURNED INTO MY MIND.

Get my message ? I know you're hurting, but PLEASE do not put the children into it. It's VERY painful for them, more than they will EVER let you REALLY know, they will first try to protect you, before they let you know how badly they are hurting too.

Take Care

Believer,

My heart is breaking for you. The story above is a shining example of why divorce is so difficult for children. One thing we know about how separation and divorce impacts children is that it robs them of their childhoods. The days when they only worried about getting their homework done, if they would do well in their baseball game, or any of their other childlike activities...give way to adult worries. Now they worry about how sad or angry mommy is, or what she'll think if they still want to see their dad, or their stepbrother and if the OW will be there...etc etc etc. These are adult worries that they are not really ready to bear. You have placed them in the position where in order to love their dad or be with their brother...they must betray you....and chere...that is just plain tragic for them. I understand....my parents did the same thing to my siblings and I. I am grateful they finally got tired of tearing us apart in their tug of war.

You wrote this sentence:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is the boy that I have helped raise for 15 years.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So I have to ask you....why weren't you somehow involved in his birthday? At one time you wanted your boys to love him like a brother. Now they do....and because your H has done this...you expect them to turn those feelings off?

You are one of the kindest most loving people I know....here. Find that in your life believer and extend it to the innocent victims of this tragedy. Resentment, hate, bitterness...it's all the same: like drinking poison and expecting other people to die.

The opposite of love is not hate...it's indifference. You still love your husband as long as you hate him. Make no mistake....the damage that is done will done to YOUR relationship with your boys. Please forgive me if I have caused you more pain....but I care about you too much to say nothing. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Believer I honestly don't know you're story anymore, if I ever did. After a while all the pain runs together. But you said should you just get over it? Shattered Dreams recently likened my story to yours in that it never changes. It just keeps going and going. So to answer your question; no you should not get over it. What and sell yourself short. Settle for second best or less than you deserve. At some point it becomes time to take care of yourself. I agree about the difference of love isn't hate but indifference. I guess you still love your H and that's why it hurts so bad. My IC recently told me that I need to "lovingly detach" from my W. That is easier said than done but I suppose I could give you the same advice. Walk proudly and do everything you can to take care of you and those kids. God Bless.

WOE

I agree with what Starfish wrote:
"So I have to ask you....why weren't you somehow involved in his birthday? At one time you wanted your boys to love him like a brother. Now they do....and because your H has done this...you expect them to turn those feelings off?"

This is a really tough situation, you were dammed if they went and really dammed if they didn't go.

I agree-WH should not have brought OW to this event, it is not fair to all involved. It is not fair that children (no matter how old) have to be put in the middle at all - that anyone would be made uncomfortable, but I think your boys deciding to go showed how much they care for this SS - I think you have to be proud of that.

I would let your boys off the hook, they did what they thought was right - as for your H
from what you have posted in the past - I'm not surprised he brought this OW, he obviously is not practicing what he is preaching - Sandy

<small>[ July 17, 2004, 07:32 AM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>

I can't say I have kept up on your hole story , but responding to this one .

It is pain full for anyone who is a parent to be in this situation . Our children are the most precious to us and protecting them will always be apart of us no matter the age , but most of all teaching them MORALS ,VALUES ect. is ongoing .

JM2cents , I feel you did the right thing going by there ages theres nothing wrong with you telling them your feelings and veiws about it being inappropraiate for there DAD to be bringing OW to any event while still Married.

I do not feel that is putting them in between , YOU are there mother and will always continue to voice your opoin on right and wrong .

NOW the other thing is to instill in them to speak up for what they belive in ,,, another words there DAD always preached ,, so they where uncomfortable there ,,, then they should tell HIM that . They do need to take an active roll in there beliefs, showing what they where tought .

That is the message I would convey .

I am assuming you are in PLAN B ? If so I understand the NC thing but I am not for it in all asspects , I am to much of of a mouth LOL .

I have to be true to myself in expressing my morals and values even if it falls on deaf ears LOL (like a ws)

It is how I was true to MYSELF in getting through the hole A mess . JUST ME . not for everyone .

IF I am off on this sorry I was reading the sig line and assumeing your boys are of age (19&22?)

A good friend of mine thought I could respond and be of some support .

Be strong and hold on to your values no one should take that away from you your a good parent for expressing your self . ONE who shelters there children can do more harm JMO .

Be well