Me and my W were separated for over 2 yrs, and we reconciled a year and half ago. During our separation we saw other people (mistake) but when we reconciled we committed to end all contact and heal our family. Last month I found out that my W was still seeing her ex, (Let me add) this is the OP she was seeing when she decided we should be separated to begin with.

I discovered the ongoing A when she came in very late from a supposed company related function. I checked her cellphone and phoned the number which appeared most. That number belonged to the OM who had no idea that my W and I were even together. According to my W they had an EA at this point and due to my phone call the OM was upset and ended their R.

Fast forward, my W has been going thru withdrawal and questions are M surviving. I try my best to ignore her withdrawal talk and focus on positive steps we can take to mend our M. Today she wrote me this letter and since I'm so close to this situation I'm not sure if I'm apprehending it correctly. I was hoping some of you could read it and give me some suggestions on what steps I can take to rebuild our M. My W has stated she thinks we should separate and that would give her time away to work on herself. I disagree, time away is what created her relationship with OM to began with.

Please Help.

Family Matters,

You are beyond caring and understanding with this amazing ability to see a bigger picture. I honestly do not feel worthy of your 'shower of forgiveness'right now. I'm so sorry for all the pain, confusion and upheaval I've caused in our lives. I can't make any excuses or justifications for any of my actions,but can say and have always said that I do not want to ever cause you any pain. I just want you to be happy with your life. Of course no one desires to be alone, but I think that it's needed at times to create space and assist with aleviating the ever- present stressand uneasiness of being in this type of situation.

So many things can happen that can cause wedding vows to lose meaning, which can make something that started out so beautiful and meant to be, a complete chirade. We just seem to have lost our way by allowing others to (innocently???) fulfill needs we were not getting from each other. Their innocent "concern" and "dedication" and "attention" to us slowly but surely caused us to stray away from one another (and those vows) because there was no stress or worries being in
their worlds, which made it even more difficult for us to again connect as Husband and Wife of the past.

I applaud and respect you for not giving up on this. I know you love your children and the whole idea of being a complete family. I also know that you are going through an extremely difficult time because of my betrayal of your trust no matter how I see it -this is about you, your feelings and how you interpret/internalize all of this.

I'm really sorry and hope that I can earn your trust and respect back- in retrospect, I miss the old Pudgy,
too.

Peace to you,

Family Matters Wife

(Pudgy was her nickname when we were in love in highschool)

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 06:04 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

FM: Maybe I'm not seeing something here that you're seeing.

she said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm really sorry and hope that I can earn your trust and respect back- in retrospect, I miss the old Pudgy </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To me, this looks like an attempt at an apology and that she'd like to go back to her old self. Unfortunately, as you know, this is now no longer possible. When a WW/WH is going through withdrawal, they often times feel that there is no hope of their marriage recovering.

Has your W been agreeable to reading? By that I mean, has she read: Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs? These are both excellent books. I know that you've been here trying to apply the MB principles, but is she agreeable to them? Another book that would be helpful to her is Torn Assunder by Dave Carder. There are actually exercises in there that the two of you can work through.

I'm not totally familiar with your situation, but what about counseling? I'm not saying you need it, but if she's agreeable to MC, it opens another avenue of communication which is a big area I believe that helps a broken marriage begin to recover and grow.

Stay strong it's long and bumpy road.

God Bless,
RH

My W is scheduling IC but not MC. I've tried to stress the importance of MC, but she's resistant and I don't want to push. I've been encouraging her with links to certain threads here where other people who are in the same boat are dealing with their troubles, I'm not sure if she's reading them or not because she doesn't discuss them and once again I don't want to push too much.

My biggest concern is her lack of commital to making our marriage work. I wouldn't be so on edge if I could get some confirmation that she desires this family to be together, happy with her in it. I get from her letter that she is sorry for the A and mistrust but I'm not getting that one thing I need which is hope.

Is it possible it's too early in her withdrawal for her to recommit?
She hasn't written a No Contact letter and that really bothers me also, should it?

I appreciate she wishes this never occured and she wishes she could go back in time; However I'd appreciate 100 times more for her to say..
I'm on board lets make it better.
Is this a realistic hope or should I just stick with my Plan A and hope it comes with time? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 08:38 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

I think this is very hopeful. But I never listen to what they say, I watch what they do.

When they ask for space, what they actually mean is space to continue the A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> I think this is very hopeful. But I never listen to what they say, I watch what they do.

When they ask for space, what they actually mean is space to continue the A. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's exactly what I was thinking lol!
Believer I'm trying I really am trying but I don't see a No Contact Letter and I don't see her cellphone.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I don't want apologies..not yet, to me that's later.

What I want is the No Contact Letter and for this crap to end! We both have much to apologize for and that can wait while we're in recovery.

I read back over my posts and my spidey senses are tingling....

"Why would a mother of 2 not be sure she wants to work out her marriage?"

a: Probably still is in contact with the OM
b: Definetly still is in contact with the OM
c: Going thru withdrawal and still deeply misses the OM


I'm gonna go with a/b.
Is it time I stop fooling myself?
Somebody help before I phone her and commit some LB's by questioning alot of things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

bump.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Remember no busters. You don't want to push her into the arms of OM. But, also remember that affairs based on dishonesty do not have a good survival rate.

Hopefully someone else can council on what to do with refusal for NC. I am in that situation. I very lovingly asked WH if he wanted me to stop trying. He said, "no." Now what?

Hi there,

I am somewhat familiar with you story. Do I remember reading that the OM said he does not want to continue a relationship with your wife? If I'm right, do you believe him? I know it's hard to believe anything right now, but did you get a sense that because of the way the A was played out (him not knowing you were back together) that it might be true? I ask, because that would answer your question. Maybe he has ended it and she is in withdrawal.

Michele

FM, appreciate the words for what they are, but no more. She seems to be trying to understand what's happened, and she seems as if she has a somewhat open mind about it. That's gotta be good.

GC

Annie5
Thanks for replying <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Right no love busters, but I did call her today and ask questions in a calm non-confrontational tone. She did give me what seemed to be full bodied answers, a couple weeks ago all she could muster was "I dont know?"..so there's some hope at least for a dialogue.
As for the NO CONTACT letter, I feel it's important, but I have to pick my battles somewhat..She's here and she doesn't have to be, neither does your Spouse, remember that lol.
Recovery hopes are a lot brighter when both spouses are under the same roof..lol

Michele
Thanks for replying <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Yes, I agree the way things played out in their A and after having a calm talk with the OM I believe he had no idea me and my W were back together. I also believe she didnt tell him because she valued his friendship, but at any rate their friendship was inappropriate for our M. I think she is going thru withdrawal and I respect her emotional mood swings. The only problem is I'm not Ghandi and a 1 1/2 years is a long time to still be dealing with issues of letting him go, she could have been much further down the road of "getting over him", but that's neither here nor there. I'm tracking her emails and she seems to be adhering to our agreement, all i can do is trust and of course at this point that's like eating Lo-Mein with one chopstick, but I'm trying lol.

Gray thanks for replying <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Yes, I want to believe her words are genuine, but I believed her before and that's how we winded up in this situation. She downplayed her relationship with this OP, if I had known she was so attached to him before we reconciled I would have waited for us to reunite after the separation; and that's probably why she made light of their relationship lol.
When I spoke to her today I tried to explain why her relationship was improper for our M and she agreed.

Whenever we had a spat or arguement she had a constant reminder of fun times letting her hair down with this OM. Of course M life is going to look boring and stressful when you are around single people with no responsibilities or commitments! I cannot live up to the fantasy of the OM, now if she had lived with him and dealt with all the routine business of sharing a life than she could compare us, but it's unfair to put me and the OM in the same equation. For godsake he just moved out of his mothers house, he has no children and he isn't M. His biggest issues were finding a good party & if MTV/BET was airing the awards show Monday or Tuesday Night? Single people and married people don't have the same concerns or pressures.

A marriage takes work and commitment, that's where the real men standup and the boys go scouting for new phone numbers. I hope my W has seen the light, she almost lost her H for a OM who has no intention of settling down or slowing down. I made it emphatically clear that if she really needs her space when she leaves I'll have her served with D papers because I'm not tying up anymore of my life with her sitting on the fence trying to decide what she wants. I told her very calmly with as much empathy as I could muster,
"It's been 3 1/2 years since you said I want a divorce and we're still married, the way I see it, either we roll up our sleeves and work on this marriage or we shake hands and call it a day. I love you and I'd much rather we roll up our sleeves and write a new chapter on our marriage one where no one walks away from the table losing but where we negoitate and both walk away winners".

We'll see, I'm not getting too hung up on the No contact letter, but unbeknownst to her my deadline for Plan A is August 13, she has till then to mill over her lot in this marriage and I have till then to show her that choosing me is the wise, happy choice.

I hope that's the right attitude??
Doormat = NO
Welcome mat = YES

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Things are going downhill...

FAST!

I don't know if I can hang in there much longer. I'm so tired of trying to convince her our family is worth it. She phoned the OM and ended it, told him not to call etc...but tonight she tells me she doesn't think she's the right kind of person to be in a relatinship????

I think I'm going crazy, or should I say I'm letting her drive me crazy. I think she needs to leave, she hurts me too much.

"I also know that you are going through an extremely difficult time because of my betrayal of your trust no matter how I see it -this is about you, your feelings and how you interpret/internalize all of this."


Hang in there Family Matters. If your wife wanted the OM, she could just get up and leave. She does not need your permission. The OM is free.

It appears to me that your wife is extremely guilt ridden and very aware of your feelings to her affair. Have you tried discussing what led up to the affair and your understanding of the dynamics of an affair- that they are an addiction and thrive only because pleasantries are exchanged and not the real world where stress and conflict exist. It appears from her letter that she understands this. Do You?

Do not go to Plan b where you separate. She has called the OM and ended the relationship.

God Bless


Anne

It's really not my decision...she wants to leave no one is telling her to leave. It's not like she's here anyway? Sleeps on the couch and thinks and thinks and thinks...she says she's not ready to work on our marriage. I've sent her links to info here and she says some of it applies to her some doesn't.

I feel like I'm the only one trying, because I am.

I wish I had more support mechanisms but she really doesn't have any family and my mom thinks I should let her go. My mother knows about the whole scenario and has talked to her explaining from her perpective why the ongoing EA was inappropiate. I love my wife and I've bending over backwards, sideways and ways I didn't know existed.

The bottom line is if she's not active in the healing of our marriage then it would never work, right? I've read where Dr. Harley said one person can save a marriage. I'm not so sure. She thinks it's okay if the kids have to visit her instead of see her everyday, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> she thinks it's okay for me to be alone in my room everynight while she sleeps on the couch milling over her decisions <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . I deserve better! I've been trying to plan A,and she notices it and appreciates it, but she doesn't reciprocate or contribute to the M at all.

How can you make someone see all the possiblities of happiness in a marriage if they refuse to? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I don't know if there's any advice for this situation except hang in there, any other suggestions?

I'm totally at a loss for ideas.

familymatters -

Sounds like she is withdrawal. Do you spend time doing fun things with her? The Harleys suggestion 15 hours a week. Or would she participate?

Hi FM

Things may look bleak to YOU right now, but from our angle, it's all good. She's in withdrawa***** in the fog. She is following the usual script, don't you see? When the dust settles (and she writes him a NC letter) she will warm up to you.

Patience my friend. What some of us would do to be in your shoes...

I've tried. We did spend a good amount of time together on Saturday. I think she enjoyed that, but she's so back and forth. She keeps saying its going to take her sometime to be ready to work on our M. She is a huge pool of indecisiveness. I suggest MC and she instead wants IC for herself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by What AmIDoing?:
<strong> Hi FM

Things may look bleak to YOU right now, but from our angle, it's all good. She's in withdrawa***** in the fog. She is following the usual script, don't you see? When the dust settles (and she writes him a NC letter) she will warm up to you.

Patience my friend. What some of us would do to be in your shoes... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You really think so?

WOW! I'm lucky?
I don't feel lucky, I feel like crap lol
I'll try to be patient and i'll ask her not to leave...that's all I can do.

She's so far on the road of "I'm not worthy" and "I don't know if I want to be in a relationship or M"

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 08:02 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Familymatters - Stick with the 15 hours a week of fun together time. That is the Harley's suggestion. Try not to talk about the relationship, just enjoy each other's company.

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>