Well we got into it last night. My LB lid blew off the pot. She's a pretty good LBer too. She took off in the car last night to clear her head. That's what she does when things get difficult. She called on the cell. That's where we get our most productive talking done. She doesn't have to see me and she feels more free to say what she feels. Dr. Harley said many WS do that. Well, mine sure does. Anyway, we got to talking about why she was not talking and opening up to me and I told her why I was doing what I was doing. She finally came home around 1:30 and we were up till 3:00 AM. We now see where each of us is coming from now.
She is the queen of conflict avoidance and doesn't talk to me when things hurt her or bother her. Therefore after years of behavior that I thought was OK because she never said anything about, finally got to her and she fell into the A. and then this horrible aftermath. Well, at first I would apologize for LB at the beginning, she would always say, "don't worry about it, that's why I'm here, so you can vent." "Better you take out your frustration here at home than do it elsewhere." Years of that. At first I thought it strange, but after a while it became accepted culture at my home. Little did I know it was eating her up and pushing her farther and farther away from me. And, as a result, I felt more and more isolated, and pushed away and insignificant. And, the more I felt like that the more I lashed out. And, the more I lashed out, the more she pushed me away..... on and on > this merry go round of pain.
It eventually led to the A a few months ago. She stopped it after it first turned PA. When I found out about it > it devestated me. I had no idea why she would've done this. After a while it came out that it was because of my LB. I can see, now, why it happened, and I take my part of the responsiblity for what happened. She wouldn't talk to me.... she still won't talk to me a whole lot.... she's starting to open up a little. On the way to work this morning she confronted me about something I was saying and I said I would stop.... trust me, that's progress for her. She spoke up and confronted me, that's a big deal for her. I was proud of her and I told her that.
Listen, guys, I read these posts all the time and MB has been one of my only lifelines through this whole process. I read about plan a, plan b, recovery... I read about so many people who are in hellish anguish that is so much worse than what I'm going through. But the bottom line is all this is academic until you figure out how you and your spouse know what's going on with you and then how to implement it for you. I think there has to be some tweaking of plan a, b, and whatever. It can't be a one size fits all thing. Marriages and personalities are too varied to do that.
I now know what I'm going to do and it starts with me. STOP THIS STIINKN' LB!!!!! It's driving her farther away from me. I asked her to show me something along the way, because it's hard to continue working on the M from your end if you don't see anything from their end. Whether or not that's selfish, I don't know and I really don't care. It's just true. It's like working a job for weeks and weeks with only the promise of a paycheck. Eventually you're going to get to the point where you think... if I work hard I get nothing, if I do nothing, i get nothing... why try?
I know this is a long post, but I have some sense of clarity that I have not had in a very long time.
Thanks for all your help!
Out!
