Most of the posts I have saw here are from the spouses that have not had the affair. But I am the one that had first an EA, then it changed to a PA. I am desperate, i need help and advice. I know what I did was wrong and I have no excuse. I am not trying to give excuses here just the facts that lead to what I did and what i got involved in. I have hurt so many people and I myself am hurting, sometimes so much that i dont think I can go on. I have been married for 26 years to a very emotionally distant man. He has been hospitalized 2x for suicidal tendencies. He won't talk to me, we don't have intimacies, almost no physical contact. He eats, sleeps and works. When he is in a very depressed state he gets emotionally abusive, but that usually doesn't last long. To make a long story short, I met a man 4 years ago and we became very good friends very fast. It became an EA very quickly which lasted almost 4 years. He supplied everything for me. DH and I have a son with a genetic blood disease who is very ill and when we could not make our house payments OM bought our house and we make nominal payments to him, I drive a vehicle that OM bought me, he takes care of the upkeep and everything with it. There is nothing I needed that OM did not supply,emotional or otherwise. Then one night not long ago it became physical. I knew immediately it was a mistake and I had screwed up bad, and I told OM it could not happen again.I had no right to do that to my husband and the guilt is consuming me. But I honestly do not know how to walk away from OM, even though I know i need to. HE has been my only support for so long that i am afraid to go without him. I want a whole marriage, I want it to work. I know what I did was the worst thing a person can do to another person. I regret it deeply. I am ashamed and appalled that I could subject my family to this. Husband knows that Om and I were very close friends and has suspected for a long time that it was physical, which it never was until recently. But now I am afraid to tell DH the truth cause of his history with suicide and depression. But I know from what i read on this sight that it is highly suggested. DH seems to be doing great right now, he is being supportive for the first time ever cause he sees that I am having a terrible time, but I don't think he knows exactly why. I think he thinks it is because we almost lost our son again and we are just getting him through that. I just wish I could take it all back and that it wouldn't have happened. I know I don't want it to happen again.I was so wrong and unfair to those who love me. I have cut contact with OM as much as I can. We have a lot of stuff that we have to deal with such as the house and the land. Please don't judge me harshly, I am ashamed and deeply regret my actions. I want to love my husband again and to regain respect for him and to have a real marriage. It just all seems so unreachable right now. How do I do this?

Welcome to the forum (((((((((((tb))))))))))

You are battling so many things that you must be exhausted. Right now....you are looking at a mountain of problems to climb. When you look up at that mountain...you must just want to cry. So stop concentrating on the mountain...and concentrate on your feet...and the next step, the next small goal that you can reach. The first initial step will be to end all contact...ALL. The necessary contact that needs to be made for the house or land, can and should be done by your husband. Write a no contact letter to the OM. This is your first step chere....hard? you bet. Necessary? without a doubt. Each time you see him or talk to him will send you sliding back down the slope.

hugs and prayers

TB,

I will try to relate your guilt feelings with my wifes as best as I can.

First of all from the mans point of view he cannot understand how the WW (wayward wife) could make a decision to have an affair knowing it could end the marriage and hurt the people in thier lives.
I have come to learn and it took alot of reading and commitment to understanding a WW. I have learned and accepted that all people are capable of making that decision, we are not perfect we are human beings, we make mistakes,, an affair is a huge mistake but nonetheless a mistake.
A wife who is persuaded into an affair does not set out to have an affair. Her needs are made known to the OM (other Man) other man is now equipped with the knowledge he needs to meet WW,s needs. Example you have told the OM of your needs not being met by your husband. He knows you are vulnerable to an affair, he starts to stroke those emotions to lure you into the fog. If he is able to continueosly make The WW feel good a PA is in the making only when he will make his move.
So how can the WW ultimately have a full blown affair? I had to face the reality that my wife had her emotional needs met by another man, it made her feel great. When the OM made his move on her to turn it into a PA. Wife was not stupid, not selfish,, she was no longer able to reflect on consequences. My wife admitted after her first sexual experience with OM she attempted no contact. Well the OM simply kept persuing her and saying all the things she needed to hear. Wife once again is made to believe the OM is the ultimate emotional partner. Continues the affair without any thoughts anymore of the hurt she was inflicting on me.
When wife was called by me and I said we need to talk,,, she new I discovered her affair, and it was only then it hit home "I could lose my husband" what have I done! A WW does not say hi to The OM and instantly see herself in an affair. In fact it is common that even she is shocked.
The guilt is eating at you,, dont let it influence you to make hasty decisions about your marriage. Look back and understand you were not born to cheat. You are not a terrible person, you were vulnerable to the affair. It was a decision to have your needs met by the OM. It was a bad decision... but your reflection and guilt show it is not what you truly wanted to happen.
If your huuby discovers your affair it will be hard for him to believe you regret it. If you sit him down and confess your affair and your remorse for what you have done it will be much better for him to confront it. Not easy for him but it will help him when he reflects on how he discovered the affair. He discoverd it because his wife knew she owed it to her husband as your husband he simply deserves to know.

You both are right, I know you are. I just don't know how to do this. I don't know how to tell DH and I don't know how to walk completely away from OM .I have never felt so lost and alone in my life. I am battling depression, fear, emptiness, lonliness, all at the same time. I am trying to let DH fill some of that, but it is hard. I have leaned on OM for so long, I put my trust in him and now I know I can no longer do that. I just don't know how to quit. Even though I know that the trust I put in him was just an illusion. After the A got physical I asked him why he (OM) pursued the sex with me and he said it was because I was "unavailable" so it was all just a game to him also. Which, there were hints of just this the whole time, things he said and did when we were together. I just feel empty and so so low. I cannot believe my DH stuck by me through the whole EA, which lasted for years. I am afraid that when he knows he has me back he will go back into his own world again. I cannot take that again.I know we can get through this if I can get through this. I want to learn from this cause I certainly don't want the cycle repeated and I am afraid it will be, for me anyway.

totallybroken -

There are a lot of women here that are going through the same thing that you are. Please join them. Look for the "moving forward" thread. Then check out posts by broken vessel, runaway pot, kiwiJ. You are in good company here.

Believer, Thank you for sending me over to the Moving Forward thread. I spent most of the night reading the posts, and logged on first thing this morning.. It was a good place to be, it was where I needed to be. Thank You

totallybroken -

If you are up at night, it is a great place to be, because a lot of the posters there are on the other side of the world. So our night is their day.

Have you thought about taking anti-depressants?