WH moved to his own apartment a couple weeks ago, but he has spent more nights w/ me than in his apt. He can barely afford his rent (and it's very cheap). He doesn't have a tv, or a microwave, or pots & pans, or dishes. All he has is a bed, an alarm clock, a shower curtain, and 2 recliners I gave him. He hasn't even paid the electricity deposit to put the electricity in his name yet.

Most nights he calls me around 9:00-10:00pm to tell me that he's lonely and ask if he can spend the night w/ me. So far, I've let him, but I do wonder if I'm making a mistake. OW has told WH that she's giving her husband a chance to fix their marriage. She also let WH know that he doesn't make enough money for her & her 3 kids to leave her husband who makes lots of money. I think WH is waiting for OWH to fail so she'll come running back. Am I making it too easy for WH?

Last night he told me that he realizes that I'm the one that has stuck by him. He wanted me to hold him all night, so I did. He called me when he got to work so he could "hear my voice".

Look, I know he had (is having?) the A, but I just can't turn away when my best friend for more than 25 years is in so much pain. We've both made mistakes. I'm going to continue to be his friend for a little while longer. If he still chooses OW, I'll give up and go to Plan B. That way, I'll know and he'll know I really tried.

Am I being a doormat?

Are you in plan A ?

How long has your Plan A been?

Pep

I did the same thing, I was there for my W during our separation out of genuinely caring for her welfare, but BUT BUT...look at the mistake I made because she came back to me without falling on her face totally with the OM?!?!

Now she's with me and is somewhat questioning if the grass would have been greener. Plan B is hard, but it might help him see the light once and for all. I'm no expert of MB philosophies, but I now realize being "too nice" during our separation allowed me to catch her fall instead of her wake up and realize this is where she wants and needs to be. If I could do it over, I'd have been more stern during our separation and went DARK and forced her to deal with her feelings and really see first hand that the OM wasn't all he was cracked up to be and neither were her decisions for wanting a separation.

.....just think about what I've said and see if it applies to you. This is your M we're talking about and sometimes people can use some "meaningful, non-henious, good old-fashioned down home TOUGH LOVE". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good Luck!

Pep,
I've been in Plan A for 6 months now. WH just moved out two weeks ago. Even though OW told him that she's working on her marriage, she prefaced that statement by telling WH that she does love him very much. I know WH believes he is in love with OW. WH is just waiting for OWH to "mess up" so she'll come running back again.

FamilyMatters,
Yes, I am worried that if I take WH back too easily, he may not really get all this out of his system. It seems to me that WSs need to completely crash and believe they've lost everything before they realize the mistakes they've made. If he decides to return to me now, he may always wonder what it would have been like to have a life with OW.


WH called me at work and asked if we could go out on a date tonight. Of course, I said yes.

Right now, WH "needs" me, but he still "wants" her. I'm so confused. I feel like I should continue Plan A for another week or two. Then if WH still wants to wait for OW, I'll go Plan B - completely dark. WH is just now acknowledging how I've changed and how it makes him feel. When I go to Plan B, I want him miss the "good" me he's come to know. Isn't that basically what all this Plan A/Plan B stuff is geared towards anyway?

Yep, sounds like you are doing things right. Right now I would keep trying to meet his needs. But if he goes back to OW, then a dark Plan B.

Believer is right and so are you..once you've done all you can and they continue to ping pong..you must put your foot down, if we dont we enable the circle of pain.

Enjoy your date and be the best you, you can be and if he still feels the need to waffle, he'll have that memory of that great date with his warm, loving wife to ponder again and again and again...

Believer is so cool <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> and so right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Believer and Family Matters,
Thanks for the encouragement. I really need that. Heck, I think we all need that from eachother here, don't we?

WH spent Friday and Saturday night with me. Saturday he had to leave early to go to work. This morning, he left for church. I've been leaving him alone during the day, but he usually ends up calling me by mid-late afternoon to tell me he's lonely at his apt by himself. Every night he asks me if he should stay at my apt or his apt. I just tell him to stay wherever he wants.

WH still admits to loving OW. He also sais he loves me. Oh, well, just another day in fogland.

WH hasn't call me since he left this morning. He may or may not call today. Church usually gets him upset. He told me this morning before he left that he wanted to speak w/ the priest about saving his soul. I don't know exactly what that means, but OKAY.

Well talking to his priest has got to be a good thing. No priest I know will condone an adulterous affair or leaving a marriage. I sure wish I could get my WH to do that. Good luck!