Ok. I went to my orthodontic appt. this am where my WW works as a assistant. I have been feeling really good lately and was firendly etc. She asked if she could work on me and I said I would rather have someone else. Anyway, after the appt. I was walking to my car and she was walking out of the office towards me. She said she wanted to talk to me. She asked how I was doing and I said good. I asked her and she said alright. Then I said, do you miss me? She started to cry and said yes. I told her that I miss her to and we hugged for about 5 minutes and cried. So now I has my chance to plan A her by saying that if she comes back and we go to counseling, church, etc to try and work things out that I will not throw it in her face and will not judge her. She then started saying she isn't completely sure what she wants. She said we are divorced and I said no we aren't. It has been filed, but is easily reversed. She said yeah. She also said that she isn't sure about her living situation. She lives with OM. It obviously isn't going well over there. Just like I had expected. I have been doing so well lately that I don't even feel super strong about her coming back anymore. i don't know what I want which I never thought I would say. Oh, I also asked her about her acne and about drug use. She said she hasn't been doing drugs at all and she doesn't know why she is getting them. She has never had acne before. She said she isn't taking care of herself etc. Crazy huh? I really saw no chance of her coming around at all, but she is cracking already. Advice?

Juke, great, great news. Don't expect anything to go fast, and don't expect this high to stick around. That's my best advice.

She might need some more time to come around. She said herself she isn't sure. And this uncertainty might manifest itself in some gestures in the opposite direction. I think she might be feeling her way through the alternatives.

Just guessing here. Stay patient, and plan A like there's no tomorrow. Good work,

GC

Sounds to me like you did a great job of presenting yourself to her.
She is seeing the light. I hope she is being genuine to you. I say go for it Juke... why not give her a shot?

Thanks Gray- Yeah, I don't know what to think. All I know is that I am doing so well that either way things go I will be fine. I also feel like I don't want to be too easy on her if she does decide to come back. She has totally disrespected me in this thing and I think about that too. I am also having a lot of fun doing things now that I couldn't before. Now I am confused. A couple months ago i never would have believed i could think this way. Amazing.

Thanks Eric- The mere fact that it isn't working out with this [censored] is satisfying in itself. She is finding out that the lifestyle isn't what she thought and fast. Also that he is not what she thought and she is seeing me positively again. It feels very good regarless of what happens. I that sounds selfish I don't mean it to be. Just being honest.

She is finding out that the lifestyle isn't what she thought and fast.

I was talking to my wife about this earlier. How A WW never really knows ,, I mean truly knows the OM. Like they say- affairs are full of so much deception it sometimes takes the WW to place OM in the husbands shoes before they realize the OM himself was a big deception.
To me your wife is telling you- OM is not half the man you are.
It sometimes kills me when a fogged WW believes the OM is a true love.
To me any man who does not have enough value to stay away from a married woman is telling how he truly is from the start.

just a thought,,,,
I see all of these WS getting shocked after seeing the OM/OW for what and how they truly are... geesh

Thanks Eric. You make some good points. What should my game be now? Play it cool and only talk with her if she calls me? I know plan A, but should I call her?

Juke,
Good signs. Keep positive. She may waffle but hopefully won't.

BTW, the acne may be a good sign. It cvan be a sign of tremendous stress. Could be a sign that she's very torn, feeling guilty and or stressed.

mac

Juke, whether or not to reach out right now is a tough call. If as soon as she gets a little close to you, you raise the stakes and grab for her, she could get scared away.

If you can think of some excuse to reach out casually and gently, it might be an okay time to do that. But she might not react the way you hope for. I sent a nice, friendly email after my first post-separation meeting with the sparrow, and she knifed me in the chest with her response. Of course, that was only a couple of weeks after she moved out, and she was still having playtime. Do be careful about making a gesture though. I don't think she's ready for too much yet. She might want to hang on to her total power over where things lead a little while longer.

GC

Oh yeah, She also said "I love you" as I left. Any FWW's opinions on this?

Juke,,,
did she ask you to call her?
did you tell her you would call her?
did she say she would call you?

If no then I would kinda play it safe,,, not a game or nothing but like you said she has disrespected you so bad. If you dont call her she may take it as a sign you do not want her back home. If she does not call you,, then you may not feel she is sincere,, I think pride needs to go out the window. If you are both sitting around waiting for someone to make the first call it could go bad.
She did state she was a little unsure of herself, if you do not hear from her I think you should call. Not to ask her if she is coming home. Maybe just inquire if she found out what was causing her acne. It would be a love deposit. You are concerened about her well being. If it turns into a conversation about returning home then great.
JMHO

hey Eric- i told her that if she wants to meet me at Blue burrito and talk to call. She said we will talk soon, but I don't know what that meant.

Juke, I'm no FWW, but I think the fact that she said ILY is a big deal. But then again, it's still just words.

How about you play it cool until Sunday, then think about getting in touch - after your mind has had a chance to settle down and you have some perspective. Plus that gives her at least a couple of days to stew over things...

Just an idea.

GC

Yea,,, I think Gray is right Time is on your side. Give it a little.

juke:

It's a tough call, but so far it looks like there are signs for GUARDED optimism.

Your sitch is one of those that I think the Harleys and Penny Tupy would advise taking it a little easier than a long-term M with kids. If you're up for a LONG read, look up an old-timer by the name of Alostsoul (and if he's lurking, he'll get a laugh out of the "old-timer" designation). He and his W are about your age, and were only M'd a year before she moved out and started an A. He tried 2 plan A as best he could, but ended up plan Bing and then agreeing 2 a DV. Even then, there were signs of hope - faint signs - but they all fizzled.

I guess my point is that without kids, and since she's so young, it might seem "eaiser" for her (or you) 2 just cut her losses and move on. ALS' xW did that, though her actions will likely come back 2 haunt her someday.

I really hope that H4F will see your thread and offer some suggestions. But that's my take. Be careful, but be "involved" in your plan A as much as she'll allow you 2 be (meaning, be prepared 2 back off a bit if she's feeling pressured).

I agree, the ILY is a good sign. But it could also be a carrot, so be careful. Mostly, it indicates waffling. She really doesn't know what she wants. Just make sure that you continue 2 be the most attractive alternative.

best,
-ol' 2long

Well, from a FWW I would say that you are right that the reality of her A is crashing down around her - HOWEVER, if you move in to sooth her too quickly you'll find her right back on the fence again.

You had a good exchange. She was left with VERY positive feelings about you - and she also knows you have boundries (not letting her work on you was GOOD!).

She knows what she has to do - she knows she can come back if she does it. The ball IS in her court - however. DON'T take it back in to your court. Don't reach out to her - but be friendly and warm if she reaches out. Yes, she said she loves you - but in wayward speak that really means "I realize I never DIDN'T love you and I'm feeling really crummy right now, would you mind making me feel better?" 2long was right about the carrot. I'm not saying she DOESN'T love you - but she's in no mental state to act in a loving way. She's in 'take care of me' mode - so whatever she's looking for isn't about you or the OM, it's about her.

The thing is, this is a roller coaster ride. If you put too much on this one good exchange, you might be crushed when she turns back to the woman with veins of ice and the tongue of a snake. Don't take either with too much certainty. Remember - it's the actions that count, not the words. Give it some time and see what, if any, actions occur.

HOPE is so RIGHT!

We must remember our WS's are not the people they were before the A's...they are 4ever changed ..and for that matter so are we lol!

No matter how sweet, pleasent or charming their word seem...they could wig out at any moment..it's the fog lifting and settling please try not to internalize it....

Whew!

I'm going thru this and I have been learning the hard way, but it's the truth. Take everything with a grain of salt and expect nothing but a hard strenuous road, that way anything positive is a bonus and not an expectation.

Hang in there....you WS is peeking out from beneath the fog. Relish the moment but brace for the settlings because they are possible.

Not to rain on your parade but trying to keep you from being hurt is all.

as Mr. E would say..its A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 08:45 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

OK FWW's. Thank you. Now if she says she is not sure about her living situation that means their relationship is going south doesn't it? Why would she tell me that?

Don't try to figure her out, Juke...you will only drive yourself nuts. Yes, I'm sure she's not pleased that her fantasy has not turned out the way she dreamed - but don't assume how things are just because she said that. She could be looking to cake eat - things may be ok, but she might just be nervous about what might happen if things DON'T work out the way she hopes so she throws you a bone out of nervousness of losing her cake. Maybe she's starting to miss you and it ruins her fantasy life with OM so she's pulling you back in a tiny bit to get things good again there. WHO KNOWS!!

I agree that your WS is not the person she was before - as far as being forever changed...well, yes in a way. But not like this! In no way is she permanently planted in the role of 'me me me', unless that was the person she was before all of this. She is changing - she's confused - she's fighting for HERSELF (she's fighting WITH herself) - and she'll either figure it out and pull her head out...or she'll run away all the harder and drag you behind her like a rag doll tied to the back of a pickup truck. That is...if you let her. But even if she pulls back in to the evil alien abductee role - don't assume this is the new real her...this is just where she is right now.

Your best bet is to step away again and sort it out as it comes. Don't assume anything - you just never know what's going on.

Juke, don't try and read into her thoughts right now. When we are fogged out our thoughts change quicker than the speed of light.

I like 2long's advice, guarded optimism.

I broke out so bad when I was in the affair, on my chest and back. I mean we are talking high school all over again. Blech!!! After d-day it all cleared up slowly and now I don't have to put cover-up on my chest!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Definitely stress related.