Things have been going so good that i'm almost scared that i'm dreaming. i stepped away from all the LBing that i was doing and I have been doing a great plan a but in return my husband has been a hundered percent more loving, kind, sweet and just wonderful. and this in turn makes it much easier for my plan A.

the one thing i am dealing with now is how much i'm missing the way it used to be......... i know it will NEVER be that way again or at least for a very very long time But i had such trust and i'm tired of being susupoius i'm tired `of feeling this hurt. i just miss my husband.

thanks for listening!

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: mylife25 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Things have been going so good that i'm almost scared that i'm dreaming. i stepped away from all the LBing that i was doing and I have been doing a great plan a but in return my husband has been a hundered percent more loving, kind, sweet and just wonderful. and this in turn makes it much easier for my plan A.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lovely circle, eh? That is EXACTLY how it happend for my dh and I!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> the one thing i am dealing with now is how much i'm missing the way it used to be......... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well for me, I had to put my behind in my past or my past behind me (like Pumba)...whatever...You know, it's a lot easier to do if you focus on the "now" for awhile and not dwell on the past. I know, it's so frickin hard. A trick I used was to look at all the little things around me that made me smile...then I focused on them. If I looked at the big, overall picture - well the big overall picture sucked like a Hoover, but all those little pictures, with their myriad of colors, they made it easier. Now, I can look at the big picture and say, "yep it sucked" then I just (pouf) let it go...Looking forward is SO much better than looking back all the time anyway. If you keep looking back, you're going to miss all the wonderful scenery that now and future have.

JMO.

- Kimmy

it was a dream he just LBed really big and i'm getting worn down........

here is what happend:

he had plans last week to go to a zoo with me and our daugthers. it was a big trip b/4 our daguther started kindergarden. last weekend it rained so we promised we go on tuesday this week she has asked every single day if we are going and the answer has been yes. well tonight he calls and told me his boss is going on vacation next week and they want him to work mon-fri (he also admitted he's known about this possiablity for 3 weeks!!) well he has broken promises to our Daughter before and this is part of what he is suppose to be working on. well he acted like a jerk to me. he asked what i thought i said you do what you feel is right. he got mad said that he wanted a real asnwer i said i dont think you should work it b/c you already have plans. Well..
finnanly we just hung up i knew if we didnt i'd end up doing my fair share of Lbing.

he just emailed me and said i love you. but i can not take this rollercoaster. i'm sick of it... i cant stand the way he acts and the broken promises to our daugther is a BIG item.!!!!
what should i say to him?
should i go with out him with the kids?
any ideas?

Go with your daughters to the zoo and have a good time. Then tell your husband how much fun you had. I would Plan A for a little longer.

Ok i must vent here or i'll end up LBing big time. i'm trying so hard to hold it in. its hurting. i already wrote in my journal enough tonight i thought i'd come here. he just makes me so angery. His job is our number one problem. he is trying to find a new one But. in the meantime i have to deal with him doing this one. he promised to keep promises to my daughters and here we go him breaking another one to go and work b/c its easier for him to break my daughters heart and his promise to us then to say no to a bunch of people who treat him like GARBAGE...

I am sick to my stomach over this. things had been gong so smoothly i thought this is it were getting better, healing.. but no.. its fake. like i feel my life is .. fake. it hurts.

now he's called me a few times i cnat even talk we sit there in silence. i dont konw what to say. i'm waiting for my husband the one who cares to say i told them i already had plans and cant work that shift this week. but deep down i know that wouldnt happen..

i'm so sick of holding everything in b/c he cant deal with my emotions.. also nothing is ever right..

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">if i call him at work i'm checking up..
  if i dont ---- i dont care
  
  if i go to the zoo (or anythng else fun w/ our daughters) then i'm not fair that i get to do the fun things with our kids... if i make plans with him.. 99 percent of the time he cancels or something
  
  if i tell him to do what he thinks is right.. i'm wrong b/c i dotn tell him how i feel. if i tell him i dont think he should work ... i'm wrong b/c he thinks he should
  
  i could go on and on...</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
i think the only way he would/could be happy is if i sat here as his little dolla nd said yes babe thats great i agree to everything..

he says his major number one complaint in our marriage is were not on the same page or "one" well how can we be nothing i do is ever right. it sucks.

heres some irony... he wont tlak to his dad b/c
1. his dad cheated on his mom leading to there dv
2. his dad gave many many broken promises to them as kids...
so he refuses for years to talk to his dad..

his mom and i agree hes reliving his childhood as the father figure doing the same things.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i just want to scream. he'll be out of work soon and will call me... i dont even wnat to tlak to him i have NOTHING to say i'm sooo angry and we were doing pretty good but our circle of rebuilding is broken.. ughhh

thanks 4 listening to my ramblings..

My Life find a way to hang in there...if you are so upset that you will LB...tell him calmly that you would like to talk later, if he pushes for information WHY? Tell him the truth, your are going thru immense pain right now and you love him and you don't want to stop the progress that you've made. Then back off....

I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes you have to call time out before you say things that will damage or hinder your goals.

Hang in there My life, you're doing great considering the circumstances.

Mylife: From reading your posts, I don't have a specific solution for you. Familymatters gave you some good advice.

For some reason your H doesn't see where the problem is. It is lost somewhere in the communication between the two of you. If you could pick up a self help book on communicating that might help. I thought maybe your H should look into counseling to try and understand himself better but I doubt if he would be open to that. Sorry I'm not more help. Good luck!

God Bless,
RH

Family matters, and REcovering H,

Thanks for posting. i know we have a problem with communication not sure of a book to get? we tried reading his needs/her needs but he doesnt necessarily agree with that. mostly because he says most of his important needs arent even in the book. like his need for us to be one. etc.

any suggestionson communcation books?

last night and today i'm so angry with him its hard for me to talk to him normally we talk nonstop but i just have nothing to say. which isnt good we had been doing so good but i can not get past this. to me this was a major LB and then we didnt even talk about it any more. and i know if i bring it up it'll end up in an arguement. b/c he feels he did the right thing and i feel he didnt.. we just dotn agree about it.

i dont know what to do.

<small>[ July 17, 2004, 08:32 AM: Message edited by: mylife25 ]</small>

I'm gonna break some of these issues a part from you....
cause we all learn..the hard way.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> that we can't change anyone else..only ourselves...

so I'm gonna address this to you...
and I'm gonna ask you to break this down and approach from a different persepective..

sometimes the slightest shift in our attitude and perception...and the slightest shift in our way to approach things can bring about great results..

It took me a long time to learn that one of my husbands needs...
is to be able to provide for our family....
that there have been times in our marriage when I was not supportive of his work ethics...and placed very disrespectful judgements on his job demands....and really placed him in some conflicting and no win situations...

My husband sees his job as something tangible he DOES to protect and care for his children and me...

He has admirable work ethics...but I was not always admirable of him or this...

I find it curious that you said your husband said...

well tonight he calls and told me his boss is going on vacation next week and they want him to work mon-fri (he also admitted he's known about this possiablity for 3 weeks!!)

that statement makes me question the safety of the environment that you create for him to tell you that he might have to work...
that for three weeks is it possible that he was afraid of the response he would get...so he feels torn in not telling you...knowing that to keep his job he really does not have a choice...but is also aware how it will hurt you and your family..

and then you both are off and running in the same cycle of argueing over the same issues....

I had to learn to tell my husband that I appreciated the job he does for us...for that is how he measures it's value...on what it provides for us...

I realize there are other issues....tangled with this issue...but sometimes removing some of the stressors and familiarity of the old arguement diffuses the other parts as well...

Do you really think he would rather be at work than be with you..
really really believe that?

Also it may serve you better with the children to see the role you play in the ability for him to disappoint the children....

I have a six year old as well....and though she is beginging to better grasp the concept of days and times...she's not there yet....and it may serve you better that when plans fall through..especially something like rain...that you promise to try again sometime....
because things happen...and it may be that your husband does feel bad he has to work...but if he can't help that...adding to his pain the thought that he let the children down or is hurting them will only hurt him also....

my kids while disappointed about the zoo can easily be distracted or bribed... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> with something else...and can accept that...

the words that my husband disappointed or broke a promise over the fact that he HAS to work...
would never come from my lips..

this man would shovel sh** if he had to provide for us.....
and he does HAVE to work somewhere so we can eat and have a house.... so your reaction may not be the best approach...

you say they treat him like garbage at work...which sounds horrible...imagine if he feels worse about it because of your input...

mylife...this post may make you mad...and that is not my intention...
it is to challenge you to shift your approach...

what would he say if you were to tell him...
I know you would rather be with us at the zoo then be at work...and I am sorry that you can't make it...
but I understand you do have to work...

what would his reaction be...

my husband goes to work with my blessing...
I thank God for his fortitude to that for us...and I tell him that often...
didn't always..
but shifting MY attitude ...
MY perception
MY ability to support...

so much of life is all how we look at things...

ARK

Ark,

Thanks so much for your response. I am not mad. i like when people tell me the truth as that is the only way we can learn. I agree with what you said i dont think i have ever been supportive of his work ethic etc. Probably b/c i resented how he let them treat him badly there (we have different personalities, i stand up for myself he lets them run all over him and then he takes it out on me.) that combine with teh fact that even though i rasied our daugther, went to school full time (in a veyr demanding major) and was pregent w. our second he NEVER saw what i did as work he still says me taking care of teh kids is not work and i will start what he calls "really working" in august.

but this does not justify my attitude. after seeing your prespective that must be his prespective. now i have to work to change this.


you asked if i thought he would rather be at work then with us. sometimes i think so b/c OW is there and I have no idea if they have contact or not. when he had 2 weeks off for maternity leave he wrote an email to his boss and told him make up a story tha ti have to work so i can get out of the house. ! so its hard for me to think he'd rather be with me. He works way to hard and doesnt get paid for half the amount he works but he is still the one doing all the work.. it just sucks.

Now i have to find a way to correct this. I'm still looking for a good comunnication book. but in the meatime. i'm trying to figure out what to say about this b/c my first reaction was to be mad but after your reply i dotn think i should be.

he will be sitting at his supervisors desk today so he wont have the same exentsion or anything so this morning he calls me on his way to work and says "hey i wont be sitting at my desk so i wont have the same exentison so i'll just call you later." I was goingto say that I wanted him to give me His bosses x (which i have but i dont think he knows i have it) or for him to bring his cell phone in. But i'm sure theres a better way to handle it.

Thanks again for your inishgt it opened my eyes and now i have to try to fix this. hopefully someone can give me advice soon about what i should say today? i do need a way to get ahold of him but i dont wnat to LB. Thanks again!

One more thing... Your post ark has given me great insight probably more then you can imagine i feel like a jerk for the past 6 years he has worked at this garbage place. and i've taken it out on him. he does feel the way you said about providing is his job he says it all the time that it is his responsiablity etc. but i overlook that. i was thinking of writing a letter to apologize for this and tell him i've relized this or should i just show him through future actions?
thanks again.

ANy suggestions?

Hi Mylife,

SHOW HIM his effort is appreciated. Action always speaks louder than words.

ARK...once again your sage wisdom and insight leaves me in awe. I find myself hanging on your every word. In case nobody's said it lately, THANKS from all of us.

Thanks Ron,
i'm just trying to figure out some ways to show him. Its kind of hard for me to show him that i appreciate how much he works and stuff? thats why i was thinking o fwriting him a letter. i'm still trying <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> thanks!

mylife....

Why not a short sweet letter of thanks..
a cute thankyou note for his hard work....

It is difficult and tricky since he was involved with an OP at work...
but if you can plan A his work ethics...without dropping boundaries....which you need and deserve...

Also back off your perception of them treating him badly and him taking it...my husband who works in an office told me that if his boss asked him to go crawl under his car and change the oil he'd do it in a second...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

send a sweet short sincere thankyou note letter
Then make it part of your language...
when mr. ark said that is eval was due last month...I taped my own silly eval to the steering wheel so he found when leaving for work in the am....

I'll cook a dish he likes...
or make something sweet and say..I made this cause I knew you have been working hard lately..

I ASK him about his job, day...
and support him usually just by LISTENING without my own perceptions....

the more you do this..
the more it becomes natural for you
the easier it gets...it was foreign to me at first...and I had to forgive myself as well when I saw how much tension and stress I had cuased him...

I felt bad...so I apologized for it...and try to do it no more...

ron said...

ARK...once again your sage wisdom and insight leaves me in awe. I find myself hanging on your every word.

Ron thank you for such kind words...I really appreciate it...and believe me that I learn here more than I offer or give.....

also simply place five one hundred unmarked bills in an envelope and I will let you know where to send them to...
that would really show your appreciation... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ARK^^

Ark...

500 $100 bills wouldn't begin to cover our debt to you (and others) who share your wisdom and provide us strength to carry on!

well ron, if you INSIST!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

ARK

Thank you for your help Ark your point of view and insight and suggestions has opened my eyes ! thanks again.

Still looking for any ideas on communication books? we"ve read his needs her needs. but looking for some more Thanks everyone!