I often wonder if some people are more prone to getting into an affair than others, but then I've also heard that nobody is really safe from one and that it could happen to anyone under the right circumstances. I've really been thinking about this a lot and I'm starting to have doubts if this is really true.

When I found out about my husband's relationship with OW, I was a mess - physically and emotionally. It took a long time to feel better. I was able to analyze our relationship once my head became clear again and I was able to attribute my mistakes in the failing of our marriage and what was lacking and needed. I have made great effort to heal things between us and once my husband came out of his fog, he's really helped improve our marriage as well. Things have actually been going pretty well for us. Every day I am scared that another bombshell might drop sooner or later, but I've learned a bit to put those fears aside and live life by the day because otherwise there would be no reason to continue on. All I can say is that I'm learning and I guess so is he...

I do wonder though how this OW could have had such a big impact on him and how easy it was to fall into the EA and I wonder why I never had this urge to do the same? There were so many times when I felt lonely, hurt and just devastated and all I wanted is for someone just to hug or hold me and tell me that it is going to be alright again. I'm an attractive woman and I do not lack the attention of other men and I know that some men have noticed my pain and I had plenty of opportunities to throw myself in the arm's of someone else, but I didn't do it. And I wonder why I didn't? There have been times when I have thought to h*** with it all; I can do it, too, but I would never go there...

I've been confronted with infidelity all my life since I was a young child (my Dad cheated on my Mom and it was so aweful) and it seems like my whole life I've witnessed nothing but cheating, lying and deceit. But somehow I've become this hopeless romantic who still after all believes in the "fairy tale"...

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But somehow I've become this hopeless romantic who still after all believes in the "fairy tale"...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KATI!!!!!!!!!!

Have you READ Grimm's tales? I mean really, really read them? Not the abridge versions they foist upon us now because they're afraid that we'll be warped by the candor and unpleasentness of LIFE.....The version the Brothers Grimm first had published...oy vey!

It's ugly...it's full of yucky things happening to good people.

Kati, the point I'm trying to make is that WE'RE LIVING THE FAIRY TALE. Yup. We sure are. Don't be afraid of it...just realize that today's society, in it's hate of unpleasantness, fails to publish that fairy tales have their share of boils on the butt from riding horses too darn long, and not all the witches can be identified by the wart on their noses, but it doesn't change the that the storyline is still the same underneath it all.

Hugs...so many hugs to you!
- Kimmy

Kati -

I have the complete opposite feeling about "living the fairytale."

I think that because our M was NOT a fairytale (who's is?) that my H had an A. He is the romantic (which is good!) but he had a totally unrealistic view of what a M and/or R is. He felt it should be all cards, candies, roses and warm fuzzy kittens. When he realized early on in the marriage that it was FAR from that, he ingored it. He only wanted to see the Happy side. So when he was not so happy, instead of voicing his anger or discontent, he stuffed it. Well, years of anger and resentment built. His "fairytale" marriage was a true GRIMM's tale! This was his justification at the time for the A.
Momentarily laspe of reason is how I look at it.

He now realizes that a good M includes EVERYTHING - the good, the bad, and the ugly!

My "fairytale" is now coming true. A H that tells me how he feels!! Wow, how novel! LOL

I was presented with all the oportunites also to cheat. I never considered it. I was as unhappy and discontented as he. We were so emotionally distant from each other but what I needed I knew I only wanted from him, not anyone else.

Kimmy,

I better go and reread the Grimm's tales. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thank you for the hugs! I liked your posting.

Kati

Kati, there is some irony in your musings about whether some people would never have an affair, when in the same post you call yourself a hopeless romantic. That term, "romantic", is in western culture typically used favorably. Few people are ashamed to be called romantics, especially women.

If you ever read Pittman's "Private Lies", you'll find lots of discussion of the type he refers to as a "romantic". Such a person is prone to being selfish and cruel because they love the high of feeling "in love" more than anything else on earth. They are very prone to having affairs, because they are hedonists that become addicted to being in love. They will sometimes seek the shortest path to this feeling that they can find.

Many of the affairs people here at MB are dealing with are affairs where at least one of the affair partners is what Pittman would call a "romantic" - their affairs tend to be pursued with complete abandon and a lack of concern for anything else. My WW is one of these people.

So if you are a romantic by the Pittman description, you may be more prone to affairs than you think. If, on the other hand, you simply mean that despite your experiences, you still believe in deep and lasting love between two people who are willing to do what it takes to maintain it as long as they live, then no worries.

I also doubt that everybody is capable of having an A. I don't think I will ever, ever have an affair, and I don't think I would have even before I knew what I know now. I've been tempted by a couple of close friendships with attractive single women since I've been married, but I know where the boundaries are and I respect them. My WW clearly did not. She smelled a little waft of "in love" and closed her eyes and walked right over the line.

GC

Fraggles,

My husband sounds very similar to yours. He's also had difficulty copying with the marriage once the going got tough and the EA was 'an escape from reality' (his words...).

I'm glad to hear that you are doing better. We are still pretty new at this and it is not easy, but every day is a new and fresh start at a better marriage and more important a 'better me'.

Kati

I have not read this book, but according to him, I guess I'm not a 'hopeless romantic' because I'm certainly not addicted to the feeling of being 'in love', but I rather love the feeling of a secure deep love between me and my partner. The feeling that no matter what happens in our lives, that we can count on each other and be there for each other.

Thanks for clearing this up for me. Interesting viewpoint.

Kati

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">every day is a new and fresh start at a better marriage and more important a 'better me'.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMI! That's me. I think of myself in crysalis terms. Someday....every tomorrow...I will be something....better.

- Kimmy

My Story
Kimmy skinny

I am firmly convinced that anyone is capable of an affair.

Assuming a person is NOT a sociopath to begin with, there are multiple components to setting the stage:

1) Bad marital conditions are most often cited. But these alone do not set the stage.

2) A poorly developed or damaged sense of self. People who know who they are and what they want to be usually reject infidelity. this is key.

3) Opportunity.

After years on this board, observing my experience and the experience of others, I am convinced that all 3 of the above conditions are absolutely required for an affair to occur.

Now, I'm also quite aware that there are those people in the world who have affairs simply because they want to. Those are narcissitic sociopaths wh will cheat regardless of the conditions in their life. The above conditions do not apply to them.

I would caution any married person against thinking that it can't happen to you. It can. You must be vigilant.

Low

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm glad to hear that you are doing better. We are still pretty new at this and it is not easy, but every day is a new and fresh start at a better marriage and more important a 'better me'.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Kati. I hope you are doing fine too! I am thinking of you and your situation. Hoping things are getting better!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Assuming a person is NOT a sociopath to begin with, there are multiple components to setting the stage:

1) Bad marital conditions are most often cited. But these alone do not set the stage.

2) A poorly developed or damaged sense of self. People who know who they are and what they want to be usually reject infidelity. this is key.

3) Opportunity.

After years on this board, observing my experience and the experience of others, I am convinced that all 3 of the above conditions are absolutely required for an affair to occur.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree, Low. It seems I must have a strong sense of self. I was in the same bad M as H, and I more than ample opportunties.

Speaking of sense of self...(if this is a threadjack, sorry Kati!) there was a post not too long ago about "sense of self" or was it self-worth? vs. self-esteem. I am not sure who the author was but I think it was a FWH. (Low?)

If anyone remembers this thread and can find it, could you direct me to it? I have done every keyword search I can think of and couldn't find it!