I am new here, so please forgive me if this question has been asked somewhere and I missed it. There is just so much to dig through!!
My husband and I have been married for 14 years. I was 17 then, and not a week out of my families home where I was sexually abused (for 17 years). I have cheated on my husband numerous times throughout our marriage. Six monthes ago I wanted to leave him. I was at a very self destructive point. I told him about the affairs, and some he found out about on his own. We decided to try and work it out. I am doing everything I can to work on me and my issues. I know I owe him so much, and he has every right to keep tabs on my every waking moment. But I can't help that it is making me so angry!! I took one of my brothers friends to the store, we were gone maybe 45 min., hubby was upset, so upset he didn't say anything about it for days (because we try not to discuss things when we are angry.) I am in collage and we desperately need a second vehicle, but he is afraid of me having that independance. He checks up what I am doing on line, which is fine, except he tries to hide it from me. I feel like, if I have to be totally honest (and that is really hard for me) then he should have to be too.I need to have a private conversation with a family member this wkend, I took his feelings into consideration and told him days in advance that my bro and I were going to take off for a few hrs this wkend. He is really upset about it and pouted for an hour. MY BROTHER!!! I am so afraid that this going to make me snap...get up one morning and just be tired of trying and getting no where!! I feel like I am in a cage that shrinks everyday!! The more I give him, the more he takes.I have given him login names and passwords for everything I do on line, I tell him everywhere I go, I make a point of coming straight to him when I walk in the door (or he walks in), I don't know what else I can do!! My brother needed me in the middle of the wk about a month ago, he had to wait till the wkend because hubby wouldn't let me go without him. What if it would have been a medical emergency??? I am just so frustrated! I want to make this right, for him, for me, for our kids. I know that I love him, and I know that he loves me and supports me. I just don't know how much of this I can take.

You have come to the right place. Welcome to marriagebuilders. This is still very new to your husband. Six months is not enough time to start trusting someone again.

But stick with us and we can help you. Also read all of the information on marriages here. You can come out with a better marriage than before.

You might also check out saveyourmarriagecentral.com. They have experience and a private forum for victims of sexual abuse.

Thank you for the warm welcome.
I don't expect him to trust me, and maybe I don't expect him to anything different. But reminding myself that I deserve it is beginning to not help!!! I don't want to feel trapped and I know that is not what he wants either, but it is how i feel.

Perfection - It is not that you deserve it. But the betrayed spouse has had their world rocked, and it takes some time to get over.

We have a whole crew of women here that are having problems after their affair. Check out the "moving forward" thread, broken vessel's posts, Kiwi J, runaway pot, chackler.

You will get help here, and will be able to help your husband. You can end up with a better marriage than ever.

Will your husband post?

TP, you are very lucky that your H decided to stay in the marriage, many men don't. I don't think that you appreciate that fact. I would suggest doing things to build trust and avoiding any and all behavior that makes him uncomfortable.

Such as going places with other men or leaving for a trip with your brother but without him. How does he know your brother isn't helping you meet some OM? Obviously, that kind of independent behavior makes him uncomfortable so why are you doing it? Why would you put him in that position?

The answer to this is to start thinking of HIM and going out of your way to establish trust by reproving yourself. And that means going places with him and avoiding any situations that will make him uneasy, such as going somewhere with other men.

It also will help to put spyware on your own computer so he can track your online conversations. The more you open your life, the faster he will trust you. But YOU have to make the changes here, NOT HIM. He doesn't have anything to prove, you DO.

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 06:55 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Hmmm...ok, first of all, I do apreciate the fact that he didn't leave, especially sense I wanted him to and that was why and how he found out to begin with.I wasn't even in an affair when I told him. I just thought that if I told him about the ones in the past it would make him leave.Instead of leaving like I asked him to he pulled me out of the depression I was in. However, it did take that to get him to even realize something was wrong.
As for spending time with my brother...my husband has been dishonest with me in the past about very important issues, I never kept him from his family for this,even when I knew it was his sister who helped him, and I WILL NOT harm my relationship with my brothers, not for him or anyone else. Why would I put him in that position?Because the conversation I need to have with my brother consists of discussing the abuse we went through when we were kids, and I am not involving him in that conversation.
The trip to wal mart was not neccassary, I was asked to give someone a ride and I did it without thinking about it. I did apologize for that.
Rebuilding trust I know I have to do and I don't have a problem with him checking up on me when I'm on line. I have a problem with him hiding it from me. If your going to check up on someone like that then when they ask have the courage to tell them that yes, I am spying on you, you deserve it. The "trip" with my bro was not a vacation. It was neccassary, and luckily it could wait until the wkend when he was off work. How is he going to react if a medical emergency comes up and I have to go out of state? He can't take off work for that and I won't let my brothers down.
"Obviously, that kind of independent behavior makes him uncomfortable " I am sorry, and maybe I am totally wrong to feel this way, but I am grown and to maintain my own sanity a certain amount of independance is neccassary. and I don't think a private conversation with my brother is too much to ask, and I don't think that having a car to get back and forth to school is to much to expect either. He has to work, he can't take me, he wants me to get an education, so what does he expect??

TP, what kind of conversations would you have with your brother that have to be hidden from your H? I can see how that would make him very suspicious. I don't see anything wrong with having a conversation with your brother, however, going off with him alone would certainly set off red flags. So, unless you WANT to make the man uncomfortable, I wouldn't suggest doing it.

And I can understand why he would snoop without your knowledge. Obviously, you aren't going to do anything if you KNOW he is watching, so he gets a truer picture when you don't know. He knows now that he has to protect himself from you so that is one of his tools. You can't blame him a bit, can you?

I am curious about why you wanted him to leave? Why didn't you leave if you wanted to end the marriage?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Tarnished
I don't want to feel trapped and I know that is not what he wants either, but it is how i feel. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To say "I feel trapped" is one thing... feelings just are what they are. Feelings.

But, you are NOT trapped in this marriage.

It is your choice to be in the marriage.

You are free to stay in the marriage or to leave the marriage.

Why am I picking out these particular words of yours?

Because you have a history of being a victim of childhood abuse ... and if you want to be a successful adult, you must eventually learn how to recognize when you are using your childhood victim language inappropriately.

You are not trapped. If you speak like a victim you will feel like a victim.

Language is very interesting. It can reveal how we problem solve...

"I feel trapped" isn't this the language of the little lost girl you once were?

Why not sit with your H when neither of you are angry, and approach this in a problem-solving way. Both compromise. Both make sure you understand each other's point of view....

Sound do-able?

Pep

Ok. let try this again. First I want to say that I have not aproached my H with anger over any of this, and we are communicating very well these days. I was venting a lot of frustration with my original post.
Believer,
No, I do not think H will post, he doesn't like to chat online, hates to type etc... I have provided him with other sites that I thought he would find useful and he simply doesn't bother.

Melody,
Thank you for your compassion towards my husband. He has done a lot of things that people thought I should leave him for, but I know one thing. He loves me with everything he is and I cannot give up on that love. I wish that I could love him as much, or with the conviction that he loves me. I don't think that is within my power, but will giv ehim everything that I have.
The conversation with my brother...you don't want the details, but I will give you the short version. My bro was abused as I was, he has lost a lot of these memories and I need to give them back to him. I don't think he is comfortable enough with hubby to want him there for that conversation. It will be very emotional for him, and he doesn't like for other people to see his weekest moments. Hubby was uncomfortable with it at first, but I ahve given him plenty of notice. His enitial reaction was mistrust, but he has realized that this goes way beyond our relationship. I hope that makes sense to you. I also understand why he wouldn't admit to me that he is watching me, but it's silly because he knows that I know. He knows I am not stupid and can see it, so why be dishonest about it? Especially sense he is pushing me for honesty, not only honesty but openness about things I have hidden forever which have nothing to do with him.
Why I wanted to leave...big question. Ok, I tend to be self distructive. At that point (6 monthes ago) I was very depressed and wanting nothing more than to be alone and wallow in my own misery. I felt like I was pushing him away to protect him from me. I have DID, my core is almost always in control, but I fear that an alter will take control and hurt him. It is an alt who has been unfaithful, obviously I cannot always control her.
Pep,
You are very right. And I do feel trapped by the very things which trapped me then. His threat of suicide, not being able to live without me, being the cause of his distruction. I would stay iin this marriage if for no other reason than to keep him happy. But there are other reasons, and I will continue to try. Today i am not afraid, and today I am not trapped. I want to be in this marriage, but sometimes it does feel restrictive. However, maybe it is those restrictions which have seved me from myself.
Thank you all. Believer, thank you for compassion.
Pep, thank you for your insightfulness
Melody,
you angered me at first, but in the end I thank you for caring about him, and for being open enough to bother asking the questions, when I know you felt there were no valid answers.