I am new here so please be gentle. I am the wayward husband. I have been married to a wonderful woman for 26 years and two years ago I met another woman who became my best friend. I struggled trying to get my wifes attention but couldn't (no excuse) so I entered an affair. I had never slept with another woman ever besides my wife...but I fell. I had tried to get out of the affair 5 different times but kept going back (it was like an addiction...beyond words). My wife didn't know anything except that I talked to another woman on the phone. She was VERY mad. I lied...on and on...and on. Finally, sick of my double life, I moved out. It was a line in the sand to deal with my sin. Either get into it or get out! I decided to stay and cut off the affair. I cut off contact, repented before God, and confessed to my wife. She is soooo angry (and I can't blame her!). I couldn't move back now if I wanted. She is hurt, crushed, angry and hates me. Oh my gosh...I might loose her because of my stupidty! What do I do??? During this same month I have had too much to deal with. My mom died, my last daughter moved away and was raped at college two weeks into the summer term, my son is in Iraq, Work is crazy (I administrate a healthcare facility) and now I have lost the woman I have spent 26 years with. I am trying my best to give her space yet confirm my hope and desire to repair our marriage. How can I survive? Someone out there who has been down this painful road tell me there is hope. I am alone for the first time in my life and I hurt beyond words. I am such a fool. Please tell me there is hope...

2scared, how long since your W found out? Have you ended all contact with your girlfriend? Does your W want a divorce?

P.S. I am sorry you are here, 2scared, but this situation is far from hopeless. I am sure she is devastated, but maybe we can help you help her.

It has only been 2 weeks since I told her. She wont talk to me except in counseling sessions...but we have had two sessions. The first was when I confessed. Yes, I have cut off contact...but I'm dying. I want to pick up the phone and call! My wife wont fill in the void...so I'm out there alone and scared. I DO understand her anger. I would be angry too.

Friend there is always hope..you must calm down and realize her pain and think small steps...tiny itzy bitzy steps...so small you could put them under a microscope.

No big I LOVE YOU's...

I know you want to send a dozen roses, a marching band and have a plane write her name in the sky....DON'T.

Small tiny things will start re-building what was crushed. You WILL NOT be able to talk her into ANYTHING...actions are what's called for here.

Small actions.

She still loves you, she's just very hurt...SHE LOVES YOU very much..YOU my friend. ONly YOU!

God Bless you for coming to your senses and looking for ways to save your marriage.

Read Dr. Harley's advice and hang in there..

All is not lost..

Be cool, Be attentive and fill her needs in small tiny ways.

Be cool <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> you can do it....all is not lost, but it will take work and time because the issue isnt only your A, but the causes that led up to your A.

She still loves you, who else could she love?

Think about that and take 10 deep breaths friend.

2scared, why can't you call her?? Is that her choice? In order for this to work, you are going to have to work OVERTIME to prove to her that you love and ADORE her. Your silence sure won't help with that. Is it her choice that you don't call?

I have tried to call but she won't answer. Finally, one day she sent a text message saying "don't call!". I gave her some space. I would love to talk every day but the pain for her is intense right now so I have to respect her need for space. I WOULD like to move back, with a band and flowers!...but she is not ready. I will try to prove my love day by day. If I try to discuss what led up to the affair she thinks I am blame shifting so I have to work on that later...much later. For now...accept full responsibility and stay soft...even in the face of anger. By the way...she went straight to tell our two daughters ( 21 and 18 ) about their wayward father. They are angry and think everything I have ever taught them was a lie. I was a great father...just a poor husband.

2scared, welcome to MB.

Lots of people here to help you and support you. There is a woman posting at the moment called LostnLonelyGirl who is very much in your situation.

She is acting on the advice she's been given here and things are starting to move ahead slowly with her. It might be an idea to have a look at some of her posts.

Jenny

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 08:50 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Thanks for the explanation, 2scared. I think she will probably be ok. You are very correct in backing off from talking about what led to the affair. That is VERY important, but it needs to come later.

I would just look for every opportunity to express your love as she starts thawing out. I can tell you that her self esteem has probably had a huge blow. However, she will eventually have to look at the state of your marriage that led to this in the first place.

Do you have any of the Harley books? Some good ones that might help you are Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley. You can find them on this website with fast, cheap shipping.

What these 2 veterans said
and

tiny steps....itzy bitzy steps..

dont give up whatever you do.....

no flowers, no love poems, no serenades..
2much pain now...

I have read His needs/her needs and have just started surviving an affair. Looks to be good...but if it is one sided and I'm the wayward one how do we reconnect? I would LOVE plan A but I dont get to choose. So for now I just pray and hope that she isn't so mad that she files. Every day she doesn't is hope that tomorrow will be better.

I have read His needs/her needs and have just started surviving an affair. Looks to be good...but if it is one sided and I'm the wayward one how do we reconnect? I would LOVE plan A but I dont get to choose. So for now I just pray and hope that she isn't so mad that she files. Every day she doesn't is hope that tomorrow will be better.

2scared: Welcome to MarriageBuilders. This is a great place to be considering your circumstances.

We can't change the past, but can only look to the future. One thing you can do while you wait for your wife, is start reading the main portion of this website. Read all about affairs, Infidelity and all you can get your hands on. Go out and buy Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs (both by Harley). When you have time, get Torn Assunder by Dave Carder. Try to work on yourself, make yourself a better you. It won't be easy.

What you're going through right now is called withdrawal. It can be very hard. I would assume that it is even harder when separated from your spouse. We call this whole emotional situation a roller coaster here on MBers. You will have lots of ups and downs. If you're lucky, follow the advice of Harley and the forum here AND your wife agrees, you can recover your marriage AND (incredibily) make it better than before. Its a long, hard process. Some say expect it to take as long as the affair was or up to two years.

Also, understand that your wife has just found out and she is only now processing what you have been going through (the A) for sometime now.

If you're feeling in the least bit depressed, check in with a doctor and check out some anti depressant meds. Don't delay in this last one. (check for message threads with cwmac for some of his past advice.)

Also, realize that weekends tend to be slower to post around here, though you've already had several responses, which is good.

And most of all, if you are a religious person, bring God back into your life. Pray for yourself and for your wife.

We will!

Good luck and Good Bless!
RH

I know exactly what you are going through, and you are not alone! You can check out my thread if you want to see my story...I had an affair and my husband left me...yep, that's basically it. He is also currently living 3000 miles away! So here I am on marriage busters desperate to save my marriage. My husband has already been to see a lawyer, and is thinks he wants a divorce, and has served me with separation papers...I am not letting go without a fight though!

Your wife is responding just like my husband. He wouldn't talk to me much for weeks, even now it's just once in a while. He never answers the phone, so I just leave messages and sent e-mails, he replies sometimes. Keep in contact, but don't over due it. I call once a day and email once a day...thats it (my husband needs his space...I don't want to smother him..yet I want him to know he is always on my mind).

Baby Steps! It has been 7 weeks since D day, and I've already come along way. In the meantime read, read ,read, and post, post, post. The articles here are good as well as all the books mentioned. I have read close to 10 books, and I will read all I can get my hands on. Careful about asking your wife to read them too though...I asked my husband to read SAA, and he freaked, he thought I was blaming him.

You can do plan A on your wife without her participation! Yep, it is really hard to do since I personally know you must be going through withdrawls yourself, but it can be done. I have been doing plan A on my husband for about a month now, and I am just now starting to see some results. Time and Patience...I tell myself that 100 times a day!

Take Care

Thanks lostnlonelygirl. I have been reading your posts too. Thanks for the encouragement. I keep reminding myself that it's only been two weeks since I told her of the A..."give her time to greive". Time and space. I want to smother, chase and go overboard. I just hurt sooooo much and am so lonely. The loneliness makes me want to contact the OW who would take me in a heartbeat. Argh.... pain in either direction. Isolation and lonliness. I just want to be held...make this pain stop. Heck...just offer me hope in the midst of this darkness.

2scared, you know as well as I do that contacting the OW is NOT the right thing to do here.

My H and I worked on recovery from the day after d day so I can't really help you because I haven't been in your situation.

Just let me say it's good you're here and because I live on the other side of the world it's still daylight here and if you want to talk just go ahead. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jenny

Hope is there.

I behaved just as your wife is now. The night I discovered the A...I packed I left...I left him, our children, our home, our marriage.

I shut myself off...

You're in far better place than my husband was ,at least your wife is a willing participant in MC. I totally ignored his every attempt at recovery in the beginning...You should be very grateful for the simple fact your wife has attended MC...so early on.

and contacting OW eh??...well just a word of warning ,that light at the end of a tunnel you yearn for in your marriage will turn out to be a fast moving train...DON'T DO IT.

Max

Since you can't talk to her, every day write her a letter. Tell her how much you care for her, your mistakes and your hope for the future. Keep these letters and when you go to MC, ask her if she will accept the letters. Keep doing it each day until she finally accepts them. You'll be able to "talk" to her and not be so lonely then when you do go into recovery, she'll cherish them. She'll know that she was constantly in your thoughts. I guarantee that they will help her one day and they'll help you right now while you're waiting to have the opportunity to rebuild your relationship.

I love the letter idea. In fact I was just thinking I should do just that. I am going to do it in the form of a journal though...a journal to my husband. Someday hopefully God will open his heart and he will be able to read it. Then hopefully we will begin to recover!

Be very careful...Do not contact the OW. That will make you feel worse in the end...believe me I know. I went 6 months, then started up my affair again (husband still didn't know). Beleive me, the withdrawls from my on again/off again EA/PA were intense...I too had to go at it alone. My husband is still not even considering reconciliation, but at least he is slowing down with the divorce process a little.

Keep on Keeping on...as I read on another thread.

Read read read...post post post...once you start taking action in the right direction you will feel better, but remember it will still be a few more weeks until the withdrawls get better. Harley and other posters recommend anti-depressant meds...I do to...I just now started taking them again, although I did in the past too.

MC is great...my husband is not really considering that yet, he is across the country, so it will be hard. IC would help you too! Believe me, if you feel like I do, you can use all the help you can get. Take care!

I did a lot of reading today. SAA. Just about the time you think your situation is "special" you find out it fits the pattern of so many before you. I got some much needed sleep last night thanks to some medication. I'm still so very lonely and depressed. It would be so nice if my wife would jump in, take me back and begin meeting my needs. I would LOVE to let her be my sole source of fulfillment. BUT, right now she won't have anything to do with me. So...I have to go through withdrawl from the one who wants me... hoping that my wife will let me back someday. ARGH.... The walls of this apartment are closing in on me. (deep breath) I have been writing in a journal (although the honest anger and fustration might not be good for my wifes eyes). The letter idea sounds like a good one. Thanks! Keep encouraging me.