For those of you that have been following the saga of Runningwithscissors > I have had an epiphany! I was speaking with Family Matters today and we discussed this. I think I realized that I haven't just LB over the years, it is part of who I am. I have done it over the years to the point where it is ingrained behavior. I don't mean cruel things, but things like sarcasm, facial expressions, huffing and rolling my eyes. Things that communicate LB to my wife. They make her feel like what she says doesn't matter or like she doesn't matter. Of course, nothing could be farther from the truth. I care for and love my wife so deeply. The epiphany is I can't just stop LB, I have to change me. Another thing is I finally got a clue how it makes her feel when I do those things. I have to allow God to change this part of me. Even if my W and I were to divorce, God Forbid, I couldn't keep this behavior with someone else either. They wouldn't tolerate it anymore than my W should. I finally see that the A is not what this thing is about, it's about changing the behavior and the parts of ourselves that let our R get to the point where an A could take place. There are some things I have to change, there are some things my W has to change too.

We had a big blow out last night and for some reason it finally clicked in my mind. I am actually excited about this. It's a change of who I am that will help not only me, but my wife and my M too. Now, my hope is that my W will make the same discovery and that she will work on her things as well.

Some of you may be saying that this is no big deal, but for me it is. It takes a lot of the anger away when I realize how this thing is affecting my W. and the pain she is going through. I had been looking at this whole thing like it was some horrible act perpetrated on me and effecting everything around me.

Small discovery, but so big. I had a great day to day. Had a couple opportunities to get upset and angry and I didn't. I chose to look at it from her perspective and it took away my anger. It's not all about me!!!!!!!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> WTG, RWS!

Running,

God bless you.

Everytime I hear something like what you just wrote it gives me hope for my husband.

Please God one day he will be saying those words.


I think you are going to start to see some progress now.

I have just read a book called "If Only He Knew"
by Gary Smalley (isbn# 0-310-44881-6)

If you want to identify some of the ways you relate to her that might be a problem, this is a good book to read.

Shul

RWS, do you really think we were all led here to MB by coincidence?

I've said on here before I was confirmed a Christian when I was a teenager, haven't always lived it, but I know Who brought me to MB.

I just want to add to Mel's comment. Way to go, RWS.

Jenny

RS, you are an inspiration to us all and you are a 100% right. People ask me..friends and relatives ask..why hang in there? They would never understand, I understand that an A is just an effect of something gone awol. I can internalize everything and feel like a victim (which is more than likely what leds to so many divorces) or I can analyze myself as well and see what CAUSED the affair.

Once upon a time my W loved me very deeply and could never see herself even spending time with another man, the thought alone in her words "sickened her". So how did we get from that type of love and bond to where we are today? I'm sorry but for us to travel from story like enchanted love for one another to where we are today ...well it takes TWO!!

I'm right there with you RUNNING and I feel you all the way. It's very enlightening to discover how much work there is to do and not in a bad way, its TOTAL EXHILIRATING to imagine HOW GOOD A HUSBAND I CAN BE, not just a HUSBAND but HOW GOOD A MAN I could be.

Finally I feel like I'm on the right track, and I like you only hope that my wife sees this as an opportunity to better our relationship and ourselves; only time will tell. At any rate I'm on a mission of self-enhancement and saving my marriage is only part of that goal, though a big part, in the grander scheme of things it's about my transformation into a more compassionate, understanding, respectful and spiritual soul and if I accomplish that I save more than just my marriage, I save my spirit as well.

God Bless!

FM, gee RWS doesn't like threadjackers but I do it SO WELL. We haven't talked before but you called me a veteran which is a long way from what I feel. But with a completely recovered marriage I guess I have something to offer.

You really deserve everything good. You have gone about this all the right way and I really hope your w will wake up and smell the coffee one day very soon.

Oops, enough threadjacking.

Jen

RWS, it is an epiphany, and a very important one to achieve for a BH.

I have the same problems. It sucks - I don't even know what my expressions look like, what my tone of voice sounds like. I can only identify the subtle sensations that lead to trouble, but not all the time, and not on my own. During the failed recovery I wanted so badly for the sparrow to help me identify them. We even talked about it. But she didn't have it in her; the withdrawal was more than she could handle. And despite knowing I had recognized and was trying to change these things, she used my failures to overcome them, instantly and without her help, as excuses finally to leave. Thanks for the confidence, sparrow, I thought. Now I have to do it on my own.

GC

Hey, that wasn't really a threadjack, c'mon.

Thanks everyone. It's not like I've arrived or anything, but I've gone the last 2 days without really getting hot under the collar or showing much of that stuff to my wife. Had one small trigger today and dealt with it in short order (with her help, I might add!!!! Hallelujah!!!!!). She's actually starting to consciously helping me with the triggers now. It's great. We're beginning to work together as a team > finally! I'm so grateful to God for His working on her heart and mine. I have always been the angry white man, even as a kid. I'm praying for God to take away my anger. I never was violent, but could be very abrasive in my mannerisms. What would get my wife, and it would get me too, is that I would be one way to everyone else and another way at home. That's what got to her.

She's starting to see that honesty is the only way now too. Not to hold anything back to "not make me mad, or to not worry me, or upset me." No, it has to be complete honesty regardless of what my reaction may be or not be. Honesty in every matter, no matter how small.

Today was another awesome day. We went shopping, got my daughter's ears pierced for the first time. Bought my kids some books. I took the kids home and fixed supper and let my wife go out alone and go shopping at thrift stores, she loves that. She called me several times while she was gone to let me know what was going on... (see, she is starting to see that this helps.) I'm sure the time will come that I won't need that, but for now I do. I'm so proud of her and I'm proud of myself.

Praying for a new job in another state. Checking out houses this week. We're leaving this place. All the memories, hurts, pains, and moving on to find and start a new life and home. YES!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Keep me in your prayers!

Out!

I was a very angry wife. Something God showed me was the anger was covering up some big pain. The pain predated WH, but, it was often exacerbated by his actions.

I did not consciously know the pain was there. But after I opened my eyes and saw it, and dealt with it, the anger went away.

Don't know much about your story, but your latest post touched off this thought of my anger struggles in me, and I wanted to share what I had discovered.

RWS: That is truly good news! It is such a help to others to see what you are going through. Sometimes, it's just something small that brings about these 'epiphanies'. Again, keep up the good work!

God Bless!
RH