A friend sent me the addy to this great forum as she and i have exchanged some of my woes, i would like to introduce myself as a married woman who has fought tooth and nail for her man and doesnt like herself for swallowing what i have?
i have been married 25 years and am a woman of 44 , sexy, sensual and faithfull. My husband travells a lot and most of my time during all these years i have looked after my daughters and they have always had a safe loving home and a good life.
He has been a loving husband and always looked after my needs as well as a loving man, hes 7 years older than me so i always felt like his special " girl" .....
around nov.2002 sitting in his office on the computer i discovered a strange email from a business contact of his, when i asked him who it was he said it was a business contact.
I let it be for a few months till one day i went abroad to same country where she is and spoke to her on the phone for something he needed, she sounded so hyper and overnice that it got my antennae up......
when i got back same day he denied anything.
I then went through everything on his computer, sent copies of emails to my sister to keep as well as even " discovered" a file with her fotos......she had sent that same day, smiling like the cat got the cream.
Of course when i confronted him he denied anything to do with her.
Lies after lies, he would take his mobile phone into the bathroom to exchange sms........
he would get up early a.m for walks to chat to her outside....he would also deny it when i opened a text message from her to him saying "i love you".....
i screamed , yelled, smashed porcelain, not good from what i was told by laywer but it helped me ease the strain and i felt relieved i could get it all out......
i had been a good wife, helpfull , lonelly, good mother.
Something broke in me.
My brother died as well after a terrible illness (crying here).........
i look at me now and still ask myself what the hell am i doing still with him.
I love the idiot, he swears on his childrens livs he had no sex with her as yet but that it was the beginning.
I cant bear him near me in bed, nor want to have sex i only want cuddles and comfort.
I cant run off as i dont have anything saved and you know the worst part? my lawyer said i could use all my evidence against him to get everything.....and yet i wont hurt him.
Yup i wont hurt him.
After he stood in front of me last year and said......i wont give her up and good you suffer...... my eyes were bulging and my heart nearly popped out and yet i refused to take any medications or even go for help.
I managed to cool it and also he has stood his ground and hasnt gone.
I have swallowed so much that i ask myself a 1000 times a day.
WHAT AM I STILL DOING HERE?
i am scared to start all over again ALONE.
i have worked hard on my marriage as well as everything we have its thanks to both pour hard work.
I could have forgiven him a slight like this but the worst part is how he carried on in touch with her for months and months.......... he even said she was a " friend" i never swore at her even when i spoke on the phone while they sat together in a cafe in germany while i was at home that weekend climbing the walls , knowing they were talking and he was staying with his family and i know he only went to have a coffee with her as i was in touch wth the owner of the hotel who was keeping eye on him.
Please someone here, advise me? how can i start again? how can i like myself for swallowing all this? i have become deteched from friends in real life, i dont want to talk about my stuff anymore nor do i want to even go out as before.
I am so hurt i dont know if i am ever going to get over this.
He is more caring and takes me insulting as well as he now listens a lot more than before, i have told him if things dont change that i am LEAVING him.
i apologise if i upset anyone here and pray someone has some comforting words of support.

<small>[ July 17, 2004, 06:22 AM: Message edited by: Pinklady ]</small>

Dear Pinklady - it sounds like your husband is a cake eater, he has the best of both worlds, a loving wife who is there, taking care of the house, children etc and OW.

It's time to lay it down for him, you can't do this any longer, it's not good for your health, self esteem - you deserve better. The more you put up with it the more he is going to feel entitled - "After he stood in front of me last year and said......i wont give her up and good you suffer......" unbelievable, that line must be running through your head daily

"i am scared to start all over again ALONE"
don't let this thought stop you from standing up for yourself, you will not be alone, I'm sure there is family that can help you,

You need to get into MC - if your H won't go - see an IC. Honestly I think you have Plan A'd in a sense for awhile, I think it's time to read about Plan B and go for it.

He obviously is not considerate of your feelings, you need to dust yourself off, show him this is not acceptable, you deserve to be treated better, get a good lawyer and make him choose - you or no contact with OW

I would read everything on this website, buy some of the books recommended, Surviving an Affair, etc. empower yourself and don't let him do this to you anymore - Sandy

<small>[ July 17, 2004, 06:34 AM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>

Hi Pinklady!

Welcome to MB. You have come to the right place. You will find more support and help here than you can imagine.

I have no words of wisdom to offer you, just to let you know that you are not alone. It is a big club. Hang in there, Okay?

Weaver

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. You have come to the right place. Lots of us here are going through the same thing.

Is your husband still contacting the OW? Is she married?

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line.

thanks to you all for answering, i have managed to read the Plan A,B and have to say that we are on plan B and no he is no longer in touch with the OW as i have learnt the only way to handle this is to quieten down and observe and "lead" a normal life as possible but i get a gut wrenching feeling when i sit and look at me .
I will be back later to answer more ,i find i get nausea building up after getting my devils out, sorry i will be back later.

<small>[ July 17, 2004, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: Pinklady ]</small>