I know that ultimately only God knows where my husband is at, and what it will take for him to come to repentance.

Believer said on another thread the other day to pay no attention to what they say, and look at their actions. OK.


He hasn't made any effort to see our 10 year old daughter over the past year. For months he didn't even ask about her or mention her name when he called.

I asked him about this and he said he figured if there was anything going on with her I would tell him. He missed her surgery b/c he had to work, needed money for his van.

The OW has 5 kids. One is the same age as our daughter.He was living there for two months and taking care of the kids when she had to go out.

He went with her to bring them to camp on the same day his own daughter was supposed to go to another city for the summer and he knew he would not see her for a long time.

I don't know if he is invested in her kids, but he sure has abandoned his own.

I think in his mind he is just seeing his wanting to get the van so he can drive and he probably has no idea the hurt he has caused her.

He probably has no idea how long it has been since he saw her.

As for child support- I have asked for nothing and gotten nothing except half of his tax refund back in March. Every penny of his money has gone on getting the van.

(I heard that the OW was pressing him for money and he told her that he was broke b/c he is giving lots of money to me).

He has been working now for 4 months, making fair money. Several times he has said next check he will drop some money in my account for the debts or whatever.

I just say " thanks, that will be a help", but he never actually does it.

He has driven past where we are, several times on his way to another town, but has never stopped in.

He has his own apartment now. I have the phone number, but I have never called there.

I suspect that the OW may have driven out there to stay with him while her kids are away at camp.

He is avoiding me right now.

For a month back in May while he was working out of town, he was calling me every night to tell me about his job etc.

He will call or text message me every once in a while. I think it is only when he wants something from me, like favors to do with the van.

He feels trapped and suffocated by the marriage. His great desire is for freedom, and in his mind this means being able to drive come and go where he wants when he wants.

The van represents an idol.

AS I see it he has sacrificed his wife, his child, his house, his time, energy, self respect, money -on the altar of the van.

Now he has it, he has everything he wanted- a van , a job, money coming in, privacy, he can be alone all he wants. No responsibilities.

This is discouraging.

They get into a really selfish mode while having an affair. My WH's OW has completely abandoned her 12 year old daughter. It's unbelievable!

But I think you should get some legal help and at least get child support. Your children deserve that.

Shul

I have lurked in your posts, but feel I can post to you now because you have really hit a nerve...the children.

How could they "forget" their children? My WH was a stay-at-home dad for first child, did great, loved it all...now we're on the verge of separation and living some 10-12 hours apart. He wants to live with his children, he just can't live with me.

Won't even give me a chance either.

I'm feeling discouraged, too. I wanna get outta here!

Shul.........meet me in chat?

PEACE OUT

Shul, why would he have to leave to get the van? And why would he have to leave to go anywhere he wants? I mean, this is a grown up, not a kid. Couldn't he go anywhere he wanted if he were at home? I am still so confused about all this.

What was your marriage like before he left? Did he work steady? What needs did the OW meet?

Also, wouldn't it help if you squeezed him for child support? He seems to have no responsibilities or conquences whatsoever. I was reading your post thinking that he might not have had the money to get an apt if had to pay child support and would have been pressured to move home.

Hi Melody,


The past 18 years have been a trial.

We have actually lived apart more than we have lived together. Sometimes he has gone away to find work, other times because he simply wanted to be free.

He has ASP (antisocial personality disorder), so this A is really just the tip of the iceberg, inofar as problems. Such men sometimes wake up around age 40 and realise they have ruined their lives.

I try to remember this and not take things personally, but it is sometimes hard to do.

In terms of the driving, he has no license in this province, and had no car. A year ago he was caught driving my car to work one day and it was impounded, so we were all stuck with no vehicle out in a remote area. For months he rode his bike to work, but eventually he couldn't do it anymore so he went off to the city to find work.

I have worked on and off, but for several years I wa caring for my blind grandmother, and then I was in seminary for 4 years.

He has tried hard to provide for us, and done pretty well over the years, considering his emotional problems. He has worked at dangerous backbreaking jobs for years. He physically can't do it anymore.


He said to me once that the OW was a very good friend.

There is no point in asking for support, I am doing fine without, and I know he will help out when he can.

There is also no point in him coming home. There is no work in our area. If we are to live together I will have to move to where he is.

Right now his boss is paying for his accomodations.

All I can do is pray and wait and love him when I have the chance.

Shul

Shul, have you tried to just accept that this is how he is and that you can't change him? Surely you realize that you can't change him and not even God will change a person against their will. If this is how your marriage has been for years, its not likely to change now.

Hopefully you understand that you must accept him how he is. Can you live with the situation as it is?

I know that we might not be able to live together in the usual way until he is healed.

I am safer this way.

I would be content with being with him on weekends, for example.

But not while he is seeing someone else.

This is rock bottom for him, the way he has been acting in the past year.

It is not like him.

In the past while I was living with him , he was protected to some extent from experiencing consequences to his behavior. Now I am out of harms way and he has no one to blame for his problems or to rescue him.

I am confident that God is working on him now. I know he is extremely depressed ( which is actually a concern) and he has said a few times over the past few months that he recognises that he has made a great mess of his life. This is a very big thing for him to admit.

I know that he figured once he had his van and work, he would feel better, but he doesn't.

He is tormented. And the only hope for him is that he comes to the end of himself and turns back to God.

He is a believer.

You got me thinking Melody.

Maybe what he gets from her is that she accepts him for who he is and doen't have any expectations from him.

She doens't care about living with him, knows he can't support her and her 5 kids, doesn't love him. She said to a mutual friend that he is a loser- that he doesn't have a pot to P*** in and never will.

But she liked having sex with him and male companionship. Attention. Someone to enact her s&m fantasies with (yeah I read an email).

I was hoping he would get drunk just once and beat the crap out of her, but not so far.

Shul, you love your WH. You have a family with him. You want to build a better future with him. The other day you talked about being tempted by other men. How often do you wonder how your life might be with somebody else? How significant a role does your religion play in your determination to preserve your M? I just hope you are giving yourself permission to think of your own happiness. You deserve it, so very much.

I also remember your posts about how touched you were by the times when your H showed the good in himself, worked hard for you and your family. So I understand what you see - a man with a good heart, but also a man whose problems are legion. Do you see yourself as his savior?

I'm projecting a bit here. I'm starting to see more of my W's shortcomings these days, and you know, I don't want to be the one that fixes them. I would give about anything to help her, but if she doesn't want to do it, I will have to let her go her own way and I'll find somebody else to share my life with. I'll have a scar from this experience either way.

GC

Hi Graycloud,

You guys ask hard questions.

Yes, I love him. In spite of his shortcomings he is one of the most loving people I have ever met. He has tried so hard for us.

I don't really picture myself with anyone else. I can't even imagine it, except on the most base level.

I have invested so much of myself in trying to undestand him and reach him with love that I could never just forget him and move on.

I don't know about trying to save him. I see how unhappy he is, and when I first met him I felt his pain like a physical blow.

I wanted so much for him to have peace, to know love.

But we got married and it was a disaster from the first.

I want to get back to a place where we can just be friends. I have so few expectations anymore.

I don't need him to support me, God is helping me take care of myself and our daughter.

I have friends. I have security in God. I have companionship.

But I feel a need to love him. Its like I am keeping it all inside. But it scares him and he feels suffocated. He is very scared of being rejected. (Safer to be with ppl he doesn't care about, you see? Like the OW)

What I want more than anything is for him to experience Gods love.

Through me, or through someone else, it doesn't matter. I just want him to be healed and happy.

I get so frustrated because I have so much love to give him, and he is so afraid to let me.

I need God to make me very soft, very gentle.

I need an overhaul, I think.

He needs to feel safe with me.

It isn't about my religion, its just about loving him.

I think God gave me him to love and I have done a bad job of it. But I'm learning.

Shul with all honesty and all respect it is time to take the focus off of him and place it on you and your children alone....

Each of your posts about him alarm me...
but each of your posts with your excuses and rationalization alarm me more...

your husband had serious alcohol issues and the personality of manipulation that goes along with it are very strong...

and you have excuse after excuse...

I can not find one tolerable reason for his ABANDONMENT of his daughter and the damage it causes DAILY....
and even more so warn you fiercely of your daughters vision perception and vision of YOU abandoning her as wel when YOU see and condone what he has done and IS DOING...

ten year old girls need there father...
and when ther father dumps them for an OP.
or a van as you like to excuse now....
ten year old even more so need their mothers to protect them and not make them afraid that she will do the same thing.....

set him free...
plan b for you and your daughters sake...

I imagine accepting his behavior of such gross pain and damage done to his child...


He is very scared of being rejected.

yet rejecting a child IS child's play to him...


I think God gave me him to love and I have done a bad job of it. But I'm learning.

what about your daughter she is there and needs your love ...

I know this post sounds vengeful.....but shul please please shift your focus...
on to the child/children...

ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Shul:
<strong> I know that we might not be able to live together in the usual way until he is healed.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Shul, and this is my point exactly. You are sitting around waiting for something that might never happen. He is what he is and is perfectly happy with that. It is unrealistic to believe you can change him or "heal" him.

You must accept him HOW HE IS and make plans accordingly. Can you LIVE with someone who abandons his children, has affairs, and views marriage as a prison? That is HOW HE IS, Shul.

And Ark is exactly right about your daughter. How does it teach your D right from wrong when you make excuses for her father's abandonment, Shul? He chose an OW over her. For her not to hear that this wrong has to be causing great confusion and self doubt in this little girl. She can't help but think maybe she deserved it if you stand silent.

Shul, can you accept him HOW HE IS? Is that the marriage you want?