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Need some help or insight here. I am Plan "A" ing my a$$ off here, but have now been told that my attempts at meeting WW emotional needs (yes, I've explained the concepts, but she has not yet read HNHN or SAA) are simply a means of "manipulation" and this "perception" on her part is now having the opposite effect (withdrawing from LB$).
I suppose, in theory, we are attempting to "manipulate". But I don't like the possible "withdrawals" that are occurring. Is this just "fog-speak"? Part of the "doubting process" due to withdrawal from OM? This has caught me off guard, and I am concerned!
I DON'T WANNA BLOW THIS!
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Ron, often when a WS is withdrawing, they feel very detached from the BS and as a result, are not open to having their needs met.
As she makes it through withdrawal, she will feel differently.
It probably does feel like manipulation to her right now just because she is not open to such overtures and feels like you EXPECT something she does not have to give. See what I mean? She thinks you WANT SOMETHING in return and she knows there is nothing to give.
Her response is a signal that you are coming on too strong for her level of recovery and I would suggest backing off. Avoid any lovebusters: angry outbursts, demands, and disrespectful judgements but outside of that, just play it cool and let her warm up to you. She will come around, just give her time.
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Thanks Melody,
As ususal, you are exactly right. She is "not open to having her needs met"...and has stated as much (" I didn't ask you to do this or do that").
At this point, although she initiates conversation re. both the A and our R, it may be adviseable for me to simply listen and learn (am VERY careful to avoid all LB). Although, one of her "complaints" was lack of "meaningful conversation"; I believe at this point that a receptive ear may be more welcome than a "real" conversation. Hopefully, that will come when she's ready.
Sometimes, trying too hard is as bad as not trying at all...
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You may well be, coming on too strong as Mel said. You are in a sense, forcing her to reject you because she still has her shields up. She may build resentment towards you for that. Ease up a bit.
Don't plan A with flowers and candy but rather with an open heart and open ears. There is a better chance of her coming back to you if you are receptive w/o LBs rather than attacking with what can seem like a manipulative Plan A.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ron53:
<strong>
Although, one of her "complaints" was lack of "meaningful conversation"; I believe at this point that a receptive ear may be more welcome than a "real" conversation. Hopefully, that will come when she's ready.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you got it, Ron!
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Ron - Just relax a little. Try to spend 15 hours a week just doing fun things together. Try to build some new memories.
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I haven't followed all of your story, but I thought I would throw this idea out also. Many BS's CHANGE in Plan A. Some of those changes are necessary changes, as they realized they were lacking in certain areas, or they are learning that their WS have needs that they were not meeting. Are you doing NEW things that you should have been doing all along? Maybe she doesn't trust that these changes are for good.
In other words, sometimes we turn over a new leaf in Plan A, make improvements, and the WS doesn't believe that the changes are REAL, or will last very long.
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