As I read the many books I purchased and listen to our therapyst, it seems that the WS, once caught, remorseful and ashamed, now is "rewarded" by the faithful spouse trying extra hard to provide the EN's.

The wanderering husband who went to find sexual fulfillment, now will receive greater sexual attention from the wife to fill his EN.

The WW who began by looking for conversation and validation and then took it to the PA level, now must receive these things from her betrayed husband for the recovery to proceed.

I must say that the husband is at odds here trying to meet the emotional needs like affection, intimate conversation, validation, and wide eyed interest in her when dealing with her deceit and infidelity and the movies in his head!!

Do you think the betrayer is getting his/her a$$ kissed by the damaged partner?

K

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

krush, they aren't really rewarded, they are receiving the benefits that any married person should expect when they get married. Often, what led to the affair in the first place was a LACK of said benefits.

And granted, they probably DESERVE a swift kick in the [censored], instead of the benefits of marriage, but if we all got we deserved, we would all be in big trouble!

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

krush - Like the old say here, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?"

When I first came here, I was like you. It didn't seem fair to me. But the program here does work.

Hang in there.

The only think I would add is not everyone can meet all the emotional needs all the time. It is dangerous to think that someone should expect that in a marriage. Affairs should not be an excuse to get everything you want. Sometimes affairs happen even when all the emotional needs are being addressed by the BS. Sometimes the WS has an internal need that can't be addressed by anyone except the WS.

Krusht
I totally understand where you are coming from. My WH had an A with my best friend. Now, even though they betrayed me in more ways than you could imagine, I am sitting here running the movies through my head, thinking of stuff that WH has not admitted to because of a previous conversation with OW (ex-best friend). Her and her H were in our wedding, our kids call them Aunt & Uncle. Our families all know each other, it's a mess. Our pastors brother is getting married to someone we have all known forever and I can't go to the wedding because H doesn't want to face anyone in OW husbands family. I am being punished by not being able to attend lots of stuff because of WH and OW. It's not enough I lost best friend (I realize she was never my friend if she would do this to me) but she and her H (who I think is still in denial, although I have told everyone I have spoken to who knows them as well) will be able to attend. I am isolated for not doing anythin wrong and she isn't. She came after my husband, I have seen her in action. She has been sleeping with her husbands best friend for 4 years. and I have seen her with other guys, I know her style, have talked with her about how important my H is to me and she caught him when he was vulnerable. Believe me I know it is ultimately his fault but she was has worked on him since we were dating. What was I doing hanging out with her????

Anyway, back to the question- yes I am making sure to show my love in every way I can. Yes I feel he is being rewarded for screwing around on me and breaking the vows of marriage. That does cross my mind. It has gotten a little less as time goes by. It has been 2 1/2 months. Our marriage counselor and pastor want me to think about the positive things that have come out of this. For instance, he realized when he was out of the house for 2 weeks how much he loved me and didn't want to be without me, how much he wasn't there for me and the kids and how he wanted to be a better husband and father. So now we are both having some of our EN met that had not been met for a long time.

Sorry about the long winded story, I do still have some things to work through-my therapist says I got a Double Whammy because of best friend. Anyway let me know what you think and take it one day at a time.