Let me clarify right from the beginning that I am an XOW. I have tried many times to get out of the affair. I have gone no contact many times, I have ignored many attempts by my XMM, but he has always been able to break me down and we would end up back together. All I know is that I cannot let him keep coming back into my life because I am not strong enough to keep resisting him. Every time I get away from him and start to get into a good place within myself, he comes back. I have tried everything to end it with him, except telling his wife. I never wanted a D-Day because of the pain it would cause, I always just wanted everything to end. Last time it was "over", I did not say anything to him for over 6 months even though he tried little things to get back into my life during that time. Then once again, he finally got to me and I found myself back to where I was and back into the affair. Again I have tried to end things with him, but I know he will be back again if something doesn't happen. Therefore, I want to tell his wife. I am not going to pretend that I want to tell her because it is in her best interest to know (even though I know it is), I want to tell her because I believe that if she finally knows that it will keep him away from me. I do think it is a selfish reason for me but this back and forth is not doing any of us any good. I have no idea how to go about this or if it is the right thing to do. From everything I have read it seems that everyone here would like to know, but if you were to be told, how would you want that to happen? Telling any woman that her husband has been involved in an affair is going to be devastating no matter what way it comes out, and even though I am a guilty party in all this, I honestly am not looking to hurt her any more than I already have. I have tried to get up my nerve to call her, even dialed the number, but hung up. I am not sure I want to do it that way because I do not want it to turn into an all out battle over the phone. I don't know if she would "rip me apart" if I called her, and I'm not sure I want to find out because I don't see that as being productive for her or me. So what do you do? I see my options as calling her myself, having a third party call her, sending her an e-mail (the only e-mail address I have for her is at work and who wants to read about that at work so I am hesitant to do that), or sending her a letter in the mail (but I know her husband gets home before her). My other thought is, how much do you tell her? If she doesn't believe you, do you offer her proof or just leave it alone?

I know I can be ripped apart on this forum, and that is fine, but if any of you think you will do that and I will engage in a battle, you are wrong, because I am not here to fight over what I did, I am here to find a way out of it all, so I will not respond to any nastiness, but I also know there are some that post here that will help me make a decision on what to do with all this.

"Sunlight is the best disinfectant."

You are not responsible for MM's actions. You are responsible for yours. Any contact with MM is an ongoing affront to his W, whether she knows it or not.

It is out of compassion that you would tell her, because she would never have a M if she didn't know.

I doubt people would get on you for what you did. After all, you are trying to get out of it. This board is for helping people to build good marriages, and there have been other OWs on the board. In fact, most people are BSs (as I am), and it can be helpful for them to get the perspective from WSs and OPs.

It will hurt terribly for this woman to know, and it is better that the husband tells her. If you threaten the husband, it will seem like blackmail -- not a good idea. I threatened to call OW's H for nearly a year, and my H kept telling me that I would be violating his trust and besides it was over. Well, it wasn't over. Finally, I called OW's H and he got the truth out of OW and told me. Horrible, horrible moment for me. My H told me a few weeks later it was a relief to him that the truth was out.

If you give this woman the truth, then it is up to her H and her to deal with it, and you are out of the picture. You may have selfish motives in wanting him to stop pursuing you, but those motives dovetail with altruistic motives to help them start to heal from an A by ending contact with you. Your heart is in the right place, even if you question yourself.

If I were in your shoes, with my perspective, I would tell my H (if you are M yourself), then call the woman and say that you have been more than a friend to her husband and are available to answer any questions at a later time. Tell her you have had an A with him and want to end it and want her to have the truth to the extent that she would like to hear it from you. She may want to talk with her H before having much of a conversation with you. Then you may want to make yourself available for a few weeks to her only, and then be done. Move on with your life. You have been that man's instrument for a tremendous amount of damage, but you are not responsible for his choice to break his marriage vows, and revealing the truth is the only thing you can do to help repair the damage. Other than that, you must stay away. Good luck.

Cherished

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Hi moving on! I think you are brave to come here for some insight. I also think being a BS myself that you should call OMW! You need not get into any lengthy conversation with her. But I would tell her. Being a BS, I am not sure HOW I would want to find out...anyway you find out is devastating...She may already know though and just not want to admit it.

We find out in all ways and anyway hurts...I found out when my H told me himself. Once you tell her, let her and the MM handle it...If MM gets mad at you, dont worry...

JMO

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>

MovingOn, I would just call her up and tell her the truth. Tell her everything and offer up your # if she has more questions. I would also tell her that you are DEEPLY SORRY for what you have done to her. She needs to hear that from you. Good luck.

Informing her is the right thing to do for several reasons.

It's OK if your final, but delayed motivation is selfish if it accomplishes the higher good for all involved, in my opinion.

Just do it.

Just phone her and tell her, and request her help to keep the cockroach away from you. You may have to offer some detailed evidence for her to believe you. In any event, DO NOT alert OM that you're going to do this.

In the meantime, just cease all communication with OM. Instead of contacting him, write to us here. We'll keep you occupied.

Then follow up the call with a end-it-all no contact letter to both OM and his wife in which you apologize to both of them and specify in no uncertain terms that you want absolutely NO CONTACT from OM ever, ever, ever again.

Finally, are you married? If so, you also need to tell your husband before you will ever get over this.

Moving on -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You have come to the right place. Check out the posts on the Moving On thread. A bunch of former WW's hang out there. You will get lots of help.

Also check out broken vessel, run away pot, Chackler, KiwiJ, peace and love, and crazed love's posts.

Stick with us, we will help you through this.

Thank you for the responses. To clarify a few things, I am divorced. I ended up with XMM when I was newly separated from my XH. Another thing is he knows I am going to tell his wife, I had already told him that I am, and regardless of what he says to her, I have all the proof she would ever need to know that he is the one who has pursued me whenever I would end things with him. He says he doesn't care if I tell her, that I can do whatever I feel I need to do, and I think he said that because then it takes the burden of exposure off of him, gets his secret out there without doing the "dirty work" himself.

I am going to openly admit that I am afraid to just pick up the phone and call her, I have tried and panicked because I don't know how she will respond. I am obviously a selfish chicken myself at times, and this seems to be one of them, but I do believe we all have these moments.

momto3 - I am not worried if XMM gets mad at me, that is not a concern of mine at all. What he thinks hasn't mattered to me in a long time, I am just tired of him disrupting my life everytime I try to get away from all of this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Moving_On_4_Me:
<strong>He says he doesn't care if I tell her, that I can do whatever I feel I need to do, and I think he said that because then it takes the burden of exposure off of him, gets his secret out there without doing the "dirty work" himself.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, what a piece of deficant!

A real man, this one, huh?

This ought to tell you something more of his lack of character.

We understand how tough it may seem to pick up the phone. But we bet that once done, you will have lifted the world off your shoulders.

Consider her unknown response this way: suppose she found out about you from another source? - while it was still "secret"? Likely a worse reaction to you, huh?

By telling her yourself, you step to the plate and face her music. You do the right thing. As a result, you walk away with more of a noble standpoint than if she found out ANY other way. Then you are in a much better position to clean your own house and learn from this mess, learn about healthy relationships, and live up to your name - by moving on the right way.

Originally posted by Moving_On_4_Me:
I am not strong enough to keep resisting him.

Something for you to chew on....

When I read someone saying this about themselves..."I am not strong" or "I am too weak"...

THIS is what I conclude:

Weakness of this sort is ~always~ a choice.

Choosing to be weak gives a person a (false) sense they they are not at fault for their life's problems.

Here's my point:

Women who take on the "I am not strong enough" role, often choose a "strong" man to compensate .... this man may later be seen as "controling".... or, worse yet, "abusive".

Soooooo , no matter how you decide to end this adulterous affair, take the time to evaluate that part of you which prefers to remain weak. It is a choice. Your willingness to be the weak one in the relationship can be a welcome mat for abusive men.

Be careful.

Grow stronger.

Be picky! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Pick a man who can really be your life partner.

Oh yeah .... tell the Mrs. Tell her also that you are telling her because Mr. keeps returning like an unwanted boomerang.

Pep

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

It saddens me that your reason and motivation to tell her stems not from your respect for her as a person or as a person who has a right to make informed decisions about her own life...even one as gravely important as her own sexual health and mental well being...

that your motivation stems from your own selfish inability to take control of your own life and destiny.....and continued pattern of the use of others to do not what you can't..but what you CHOOSE not to do...

regardless of his pursuit.
regardles of anything he does or anyone else in your life...if you do not find the strength to do for yourself....
nothing really changes....

I also am saddened by plan to prove that he pursued you...to portray yourself as some type of victim to his whooing and pursuit...

how does this serve you well in life..
and what are you learning that serves you well...

you should tell her....
she has the right to informed decisions....
but you should not tell her to be the x factor in your equasion on how YOU should end your affair...

I mean you no malace with this opinion...
but there are times in life that the only way we gain strength is by doing and accomplishing goals....
you may meet your goal of ending the affair by telling her...
but you will not have learned any valuable lessons....

Again I have tried to end things with him, but I know he will be back again if something doesn't happen.
but you see YOU are that SOMETHING..
always have been
always will be.....

sad for you...
sadder for the wife...

ARK

It doesn't matter if he pursued you or if you pursued him. I remember OW's H telling me, "If a woman lay down naked in front of me, I wouldn't do anything." Your H should have been able to keep his wedding vows if you lay down naked before him -- or his vows are meaningless.

Cherished

It doesn't matter at all who pursued who...you can say HE pursued yuo all you want, what matters is that YOU fell back into his arms only to decieve MMW again. If you really want it to end then YOU need to keep to the NC...Period. Many people get hurt in this triangle. Not only the BS...but the MM does, the OW (YOU), the children and look at me...my WH OW is now pregnant.

Dont prove to this MMW who pursued who, just let her know her H is in an A. Apologize to her for your part in it..but dont tell her that YOU tried to end it with MM many times. My OW said this to me...then my WH told me that she was lying...who am I to believe! hahaha...the only one who will tell the truth is the MMW!

If the OW were to have told me (instead of me finding their correspondence) I would have preferred that she send me a letter (assuring that it didn't get intercepted by WH.) It would give her time to ponder and believe, instead of denying and lashing out. It would also give you a chance to tell her about Marriage Builders. I agree with others. It is YOUR responsibility not to fall back into his arms.

Stay here girl, and you will never go back to him!

As a former OW whose bf left his wife for me as soon as I found out about his wife, and who got engaged to him,and after two years called off the wedding because I was still so shaken about him being married when I met him. (to make a long story short and to make a long sentence)...

This place is where you will find strength... and see more pain inflicted by adultry than you can ever imagine. This is right where you need to be, and learn, and grow, and become honorable and to help the woman whose life you were helping to destroy.

Good for you to stop for whatever reasons, because once you do, the right reasons will make themselves known to you, and you will become all that Ark, WAT and the others are speaking of.

OK Everyone, Chill. I did not post about the pursuing crap to piss everyone off or to prove a point that I was a "victim", far from it. Sheesh. The only reason I said that is because someone here told me not to let him know I was telling his wife. I assumed I wasn't supposed to let him know so that he couldn't make up **** to tell her before I did, that is why I said I have the PROOF, I can't help it that it all shows him always pursuing me every time it ended.

Save the digs for next OW that looks for your help, I got what I needed from this post and I won't be returning. Annie, thanks, I think I will send the letter. I am sure I can get it delivered to their home where only she can receive it or something.

And people, I do know what MY resposibilities are, that is why I am here. Remember, the addiction of it all? Don't think the married persons are the only ones that can use the excuse that they feel addicted or like they are living in a "fog". Let's say me telling his wife is our drug intervention. I know I said I wouldn't engage in battle, but to focus on one statement I put out there instead of the whole issue, I realize this place is too close-minded and preachy for me.

Good Luck to All of You!

MO4M-

I don't think anyone was being particularly hard on you. There are those that are on this board that are straight-foward with their thoughts and questions. It's refreshing in a way because you cut through all the crap that's out there, ya know?

Please don't leave, there really is support here for you and your situation.

Chackler is right.

We mean you no disrespect whatsoever. I for one know all too well what it is like to let go of someone you love. The pain of your affair hurt you as well as all others involved and I don't think you wanted to be involved in anyones pain including your own.

Don't go!

Weaver

Moving on,

Obviously something touched a nerve for you because I do not see where "we" got on your case about who is pressuring who.And I have to say that calling members here close minded and preachy is just plain inaccurate.

Take a moment and really look at what has made you mad just in the few responses since your second post.

But,looking at your first post,it would seem that you have fallen into the trap of letting this OM "get to you" or letting him back in your life when you are trying to move on from the A.YOU are letting it happen.Own it.How does he find you or contact you if you really wanted it to end? You can change passwords,e-mails,cell phone numbers,move,etc.It's continuing because you let it.The wife isn't going to be the one to end it either.She will/may find out but it's still YOU that has that power,you see that right?

O

What the hell, Moving On?

If you think you've gotten a hard time already, you're in for a surprise, and it won't come from us.

You heard nothing that should get your gander up unless it's something you didn't want to hear. And from the sounds of your first post, I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt that you were being sincere.

Guess I was wrong.

I hope you find the strength to look in the mirror because that's where your problems reside.

WAT

Not here to bash you - but, I think you should tell her..give as much detail that she asks for you owe her your side of the A.

I thought my WH was cheating - but I was never sure. One of the OW told alot of her friends at work (which my WH and I own) about her A with my WH - She was the last person I would have thought my WH was running with, definately opposite of me. I've had to live with all these people knowing what was going on in my life and I was the last to know..She never confronted me - but, I would have felt alot better if she would have come to me first...she also had someone call me at work to tell me of another W my WH was running with..I guess she was jelous he dumped her for someone else and not his BS...

Since I know this W - I need to muster up the courage to call her and ask her for some details..which I'm sure she'll be glad to give me..since she now hates my WH for dumping her.

Just be as honest, respectful and remorseful as you can be it will help her in the long run. Don't wait for her WH to tell her - he probably never will..I know mine will NEVER tell me the truth...especially since he's still at it...