My common-law husband is 56 I'm 50. I'm his 3rd 'long-term' relationship as he was married first time 11 years, 2nd time 3 years, although he had a couple of 1-2 yr relationships after that before me, all disasters apparently. We have been together living as man and wife for 10 years. We have been very comfortable and compatible, and have formed our own in-home business successfully. He is somewhat aloof by nature and has difficulty discussing feelings or needs. He also has been mostly impotent for several years, and has never wanted to discuss it or seek help. I accepted that, somewhat reluctantly but I love him and always hoped we could find a successful answer to that problem.
He suddenly, about a month ago, started emailing with an old family female friend (very attractive, 35 yrs old, and divorced a few years ago). She had sent him an email saying she was depressed and lonely, and he had replied trying to cheer her up and suddenly he realized he was in love with her and had always felt an attraction for her but it just dawned on him that what he always felt was love. I accidently discovered some of their emails. They discussed how much in love they were, and she described in great detail how she would worship his body and keep him erect and massage and etc. She does not live in our city but within a one-day drive and he says they have not had sex. He doesn't want to hurt me and is totally confused as to what to do. I am an emotional mess and so is he. But he is totally convinced that this is LOVE. Although he is very comfortable with me and quite dependent on me as his 'best friend'. He seems convinced that his feelings for her are 'real' and something he has never experienced before and he feels like a teenager in love for first time.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. He is in a fantasy about this OW. Start out it Plan A, you can read all about it on the link in my signature line.

Has he been to the doctor to get checked. They have pills that work wonderfully for his problem. I would get him to doctor soon. He probably is having self-esteem problems, and she is feeding his ego. You need to be the one to do that.

Stick with us and we will help you through this.

Thanks for your encouragement, Believer.

I will try to get him to see a doctor. He is an emotional wreck right now and maybe this is some kind of a breakthrough. He has kept a lot of emotion in check "in control" as he says, for years. I am willing to nurse him through any illness that he is experiencing now which may have resulted in this 'falling in love', ONLY if he also realizes that it's the result of his past problems (emotionally aloof and closed, impotence) and not an "act of God that suddenly realizes she is the right woman for him" as he insists. We have had 2 counselling sessions (expensive) and that has resulted in a "truce" or "timeout" wherein he is not to have contact with her for 3 wks and I am not to look at his emails or his computer or to have him followed or in any other way try to find out if he has had contact, and we must both try to concentrate on our work and not let it suffer from this. I am keeping my side of the bargain, I don't know about him.
But for me it helps to be able to discuss it here.
Thanks again.

" I am willing to nurse him through any illness "

Ummmm I'm guessing he is NOT looking for a "nurse", but for a woman who thinks he is a sexy beast .....

Take some time to evaluate your role in this relationship....

See if you have slipped into the "mothering" or "caretaking" habit.

Men want to feel like THE MAN ... not "the patient".

Just a suggestion.

Pep

By the way, you should start in Plan A. Read all about it on the link in my signature line.

To Pepperband: You have a good point. I think I am the emotionally stronger of us. I am beginning to think he is very immature emotionally. When we were first together, when sexual difficulties first arose, he insisted it was because of his former relationship which had caused him a lot of anxiety about sex and she had 'laughed at' his difficulties and ridiculed him, and he told me to be patient, that time would heal. I guess I've been patient too long.

To Believer:
I have read the information in your link. The way I understand it, Plan A requires him to totally separate himself from her and work on rebuilding OUR relationship. He DOES NOT WANT to totally separate from her. He LOVES her. He just hasn't thought about the future yet, but that will come later. He does not want to separate from me for FINANCIAL reasons. It would cause him and me a lot of extra cost and he wants to avoid that. And he still claims that his feelings have never changed for me. That he is comfortable with me.
Now that I write this, I can see - I am like his 'mother' and his 'friend'.
How did that happen? Thanks again for listening.

Man, does this ever sound familiar!!!! We are both in our 50's also but it is our first and only marriage, almost 31 years. H is "IN LOVE" with a woman who WAS my best friend until I discovered the affair 9 months ago and she is 10 years younger. The FOG of the relationship is unbelievable. He keeps insisting it is "the real thing' because it feels so right and he also refuses to give her up although he does alternate occasionally with the desire to break it off to work on the marriage. I have no answers for you but know that you're not alone.

to Andi51
Thanks for the support. I'm glad to hear from you. Maybe we can help each other survive this. My emotions have been so up and down. I was successfully living alone for 13 years, with only 1 or 2 "dating" and not serious relationships until I met H and we fell in love, 11 yrs ago. Right now I'm trying to remind myself that this whole thing is not 'my' problem, and I cannot solve it, and I WILL survive it, no matter what HE decides. And I tell myself HE is messed up, NOT ME and HE has to get himself out of this mess, one way or the other and he has to GROW UP.
There, now I feel better.