wow, where to start.. as the sound of music says, Lets start from the very beginning...

Lets go back 5 years.. both the wife and I have incredible futures in our jobs, both of us just turning 30.. wife finds the interent with a few friends, spends a lot of time on IRC in chat room of rather bad taste, she introduces me, I find it neat for a bit, until I do a little research and find out how many marriages are destoryed by such rooms.. bondage and such are the rooms.. I ask her to stop.. she does not, I get pissed off but life goes on.. I find it easier to stay away from home, cause she will just be on the computer anyway, from which she hides from me.. I hang out at the local pub in the evenings, she talks dirty on the computer...
She meets a guy 1500 miles away on line, they talk lots, but when i ask about him, she denys he exists.. I do a tap the phone, find out lots about him, she still denys he exists.. she does lots of travel, I find out she is traveling to locations not far from him... she still denys it.
I tell her I have the conversations from the phones, now she admits he exists, although she still denys there is anything going on... she goes on another trip, she does not know that I have been listening to her voice mails from him, he claims he loves her, and that he misses her.. I confront her again and tell her to get rid of him... she says hes just a friend, I know there is more to it then that... I want to see a councellor, she goes, tell the councelor that she has internet friends, councellor is a moron and scorns me for not letting her have a life outside of the marriage and makes it sound like I am controlling... we seperate because the councelor thinks its a wonderful idea... she keeps her friend, i can not monitor it.. I go find my own friends... girl friends and there is an amazing amount of them out there.. this becomes tiresome, her and I talk about getting back together and I. like a fool, decide that I can live this way, she with her friend who she is still claiming is nothing more then a friend, me.. really want to be back in the house with my kids, the wife, she still talks with him and is going to locations very close to her friend and says its all work related but does not see him, I find out later that she was seeing him, this might have been the reason that she never gave me the hotel she was staying in and that she was staying with other friends from work when she was out of town... well, I continue on my way, getting tired of this game, but still love being in the same home with my kids, but once again, I go find my own friends, or at that time, another one night stand... wife questions me about it, I tell her the truth of everyhting that had been going on, she is blown away, I leave again and move in with a buddy, she becomes closer to internet buddy and I decide that we need to fix this or forget it.. I fight for her to get rid of interent buddy, she tells me that she needs to be left alone by both of us and needs 2 weeks of complete freedom to choose... the chose happens soon enough, she tells me she is staying with a friend in town... but takes off to the airport and flys to be with internet amigo.. I am done.. he can have her and I take a real disliking to her but still talk with her since she has my kids..

still with me, cause it gets better...

I talk with my kids and tell them that I am going to start looking for a real relationship and tell them that their mother and I will not be getting back together and start dating a girl that I work with.. she catches my attention cause she is into sharing her boyfriends with her female friends and i think this is a marverlous idea and find it quite a lot of fun.. the wife is destroyed that I have made the choice to move on for good and goes a wee tad insane and tells me everything, or at least as much as I think she needed to tell me to make it clear that she had not only been a friend with the interent buddy, but yes, they were also meeting up and having sex... yes, sex.. shocking it was not, cause on one of the conversations I listened to, I already new that.. she also told me that a long time earlier, she had been with my best friend.. have not talked with him pretty much since that time, coming up on 2 years..

well, so she is screwing around and I am still with this girl that want me to sleep with her friends but this is getting rather tiresome as well, cause it might be fun, but my attitude toward life was taking a rather big skid, my wife was going crazy cause I was not coming back, she was still talking with interent buddy and then our worlds crashed down around us... I dumped the girlfriend and the wife asked me to take custody of our kids.. the wife stopped talking to the interent buddy and she wanted to try again on our family.. I still did not like her that much and really dispised this fellow from the interent... this is 18 months ago that we decided to try again, but I still had a wack of hard feelings.. but loved the fact i could be with my kids when ever i wanted to and as much as this whole story sounds like 2 really crazy people, I do very much love my kids and I do believe that my wife does as well... as much as our actions do not portray what I just said, they knew very little of what was going on around them, other then the parents were still fighting.. the particulars they did not know and I do hope they never do... maybe we are being a wee tad naive...

so, we get back together, i still hate what she did when she went to see the guy when I thought we were going to work on things, but still move back in and my job takes me out of town for a majority of the time... she starts working big time on our future, she dumps all her friends that played any part in the past including her family who were mad at me at the start of everything because i would not allow her to talk dirty with other men... they still hate me for that, not sure if they ever really understood what they were mad at me for when I was trying to stop her from this fine internet fellow... oh well..

keep going I guess..

so, we are back together but I am out of town and then I get mixed up in the same thing which originally screwed us up, internet friends and start to pull away from our marriage and start meeting these people in real life and being naughty.. I then start feeling really bad about myself and everyhting I am doing and see the only way to correct the issue is to leave the marriage for good and try to start over cause we are not working out and I have done a lot of dangerous things that could not only distroy the family, but orphan our kids, and it did not matter how safe I was, there is always a chance.

So, the other day I tell her that I think we need to end our relationship but do not give much information why, she is taken back and wants me to try councelling... hmm, I do not have a lot of faith in councellors, since the last one told me to stay out of her way so she could be with this other guy...

I told her that the last time we got back together, I went into it with the want to be around our kids, not for her and did not trry to make it work, she on the other hand went into it with full desire to make it work, and I truely believe she has tried, I never did...

she wanted to know why i wanted out and at first I blamed it all on our pasts and that I could not forgive her for what she did with internet buddy.... very lame of me, so the next day, rather then blame it all on her, i told her what i had been doing since we got back together and she was taken back, buit she still believes there is a chance for us... my problem is, I want to get out of this.. she keeps telling me that we owe it to our kids to try...

so, here I am, I do not see any chance.. but I still had to post cause some of you have amazing input and I am willing to listen to it, I am also willing to listen to the scorn as for some sick way of thinking, I do like to hear it.. cause I know I deserve it..

People like you two shouldn't be allowed to have kids.

You are two selfish brats. Period.

There's only one real solution here.

You give up your girlfriends and your wife gives up her boyfriend.

Until you do your part, what makes you think she'll do her part?

So get started and act your age.

If you can't, bring ME your kids and I'll show them what a real father is all about.

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 04:39 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Hi damaged, I am inclined to agree. You both made bad choices. If you two love your kids, get to counselling ( preferably a good one) ASAP. Both your wife and youself need to be open and honest about everything. No secrets. If you either of you start to get feelings towards others, then you need to discuss it either with each other or your counsellors if that is better. Mate, there are enough screwed up kids in the world, you sound like you two have a chance to rescue your from such a fate!!
Good luck, and stick with it. I wish I had the chance...

damaged,
I for one will not beat you up on your very first post. I think that isn't what anyone needs.

I think the time you took into writing out the whole sorted story is truly a cry out for help, and I hope you find it here.

Everyone makes mistakes, big ones, little ones, horrible ones, but it's not for anyone else to judge. MB principal... no DISRESPECTFUL JUDGEMENTS. I think MB principles should be applied universally, it makes us all better people.

Your M seems to taken a rollercoaster ride out of control, but as much as you think there's no hope for it, inside you question, or else you wouldn't be here. Anyone that tells me it's about the kids is just making excuses. Many kids do FAR better off with ONE parent, than TWO parents in a miserable M.

Do some reading, do some soul searching.

Think of it this way, you tried to work it out before, but YOU didn't really try, you admitted to seeing your WW trying. Maybe if the 2 of you give it an honest to goodness try, you could have a better M than you ever dreamed of.

I hope you find something here useful, plenty of GOOD advice here, don't take the criticism to heart.

Best of luck to you.

Folks, my post wasn't intended as criticism. Just to point out that if you both really wanted to work it out that you sound like you both could despite your previous choices.

Not blown away ......not at all. She began secret relationships. It wasn't hard as she was a SAHM and my work schedule allowed her plenty of late night time to cultivate her addiction. She also has an OM 1500 miles away. She also cheated on me with my best friend (a long time ago). She also arranged to meet the OM for sex.

I guess I should have noticed how she neglected everything around the house. Because she was on the internet, and now the phone with OMs (plural) all day and night. Damn I was stupid, but I trusted her. She told me things that made me want to trust her. She decieved me.

Regret the day I ever did it.

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

RM,
Didn't mean to imply you were criticizing, sorry.
I just want new members to find a place of comfort as well as 2X4s ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

After they get comfortable THEN we break out the heavy machinery ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Bumping

This guy really needs some help...

I don't even know what to say. I am blown away!

Damaged,

Ok, let's step back and look at this. You claim 5 years ago your marriage was fine but it is clear it was not. This level of denial is going to come haunt you if you don't sort that out.

Next, look at the type of people you both had affair with? Sounded exciting but none of these people would you want to take home and introduce to your children much less Mom and Dad.

These two facts alone make it very clear what you should do...LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT MARRIAGES AND RELATIONSHIPS.

If you don't do this then your next relationship/marriage or that of your W will fail just as this one did. Your best bet is to see if this one can be salvaged and you do this by learning about marriages and then trying. It may not work, but the goal is to make this marriage or the next one much more functional than this one has been so far.

Finally, you two have children together, so no matter what you do your W is going to be in your life for the rest of your life, and trust me counseling and the books we are going to recommend are MUCH cheaper than a divorce.

So, my suggestions are simple. First, read this site, then get His Needs Her Needs by Harley and read it with your W or read it and give it to your W. You both would do well to read Surviving an Affair also by Harley. There are some other books that people here have found very very useful but start with these.

Read the books and the articles, talk with your W, and start this with the idea of learning and trying new ideas with her. She may turn out to be someone you like, enjoy being with, and could love. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It just may happen. If nothing else you owe it to each other to teach each other how to be good marriage partners so that each of you will be happy in your next relationship, if this one truely does fail.

Your kids need BOTH of you healthy, and happy, do them the favor of trying this and working on this. It will not happen over night, and it will take a year of so, although improvement in your perspective and hers should start pretty quickly.

Finally, I KNOW the Harley's are good promarriage counselors, call them and use them. They are not cheap but then again neither are divorces.

Please do the reading, and then let your W do the reading and then see where you are. THis can be done, and your marriage can be rebuilt. It is not easy but the path is really very simple. It starts with communications, and proceeds to simply changing perspectives.

Give it a go and I think you will be surprised. The fact that neither of you have divorced one another after all this mess, suggests that your marriage is far stronger than you realize.

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

DB, you have recieved a lot of good responses here. i hope you come back and read them and then keep posting. with God all things are possible. my life got pretty messed up too, you are not alone, you have not blown me away, not at all. the point is, if you and your W really want to make this work, then you both have to get on the same page at the same time. of course you cannot make her do anything but if you get yourself together and STAY THAT WAY for long enough, i bet she will find her way home to you too. keep posting, this support board is wonderful.