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#1160213 07/18/04 06:51 PM
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My H has visited here and I've read some of his posts. I'm feeling alittle confused, since I just found out about his EA.

You see, I know alot of things didn't go so swell for us in 9 of 11 years of marriage. Alot of real life situations that no one could ever predict when they say "I do", b/c none us us would ever get sign up for the job. But the real life of it goes something like this....friends....lovers....live-ins...baby on the way...married...raising a family (2 boys from my previous relationship and 1 from our marriage)....grandfather died (trigger to my depression)....moved to another state ...still struggling to make ends meet...moved back home to make a new start...did real fine for awhile ....depression worsened ....marriage took alot of knocks .... H still hung in there ... I finally had an emotional breakdown ... uh huh ...got some answers to some pretty big question as to why things got this way ... off to get help (in active therapy for 3 1/2 years ... I didn't know how well I was doing until now -smile) ... well, therapy is kinda slow and pain staking ....had another baby ...H had a revelation he is a Compulsive Gambler ... filed for bankrupcty (in more ways than financially)... I honestly thought that burden was lifted - the money stress... Nope... my H and I both shut down .... me to slow down ... him to detach ....I had to fix some aspects about myself and our life .... I started working hard on improvements .... well, he meet someone .... detached even further .... realized he just might go to phyisical affair decided to end things ... I found the dreaded e-mail (don't if by God's grace or just knowing something wasn't right - I'd been praying for God's mercy - for the both of us and our family) .... we've been talking the most we've talked in like 6 years (probably more). I think we both realize we cannot just throw it all away, without wanting to try (maybe not for us, our children's future - b/c whether or not we stay together we will always have 4 children and be their parents. I want it to be together, of course. But I am willing to walk away if it means we will be happier and healthier people.

My question is when do you say when????

I have discuss my H ending his EA and cutting off all contact with the OW. I tried to give this advice 2 fold. As long as the OW is anywhere in his life...I feel there will always be an opportunity for things to get out of control again. And why keep the OW on the back burner ...Just in case? I also said I wanted this b/c if respect for me ... that's why they didn't take the EA to PA ... out of respect for their spouses.... He insists he can still remain friends w/ her and maintain the limits. I said they didn't stay within the limits in the first place and why even think they could do it any differently. I mean, really the 1st time we or the OW and her H have an uncomfortable and hard time, they can "have each other" ....


Anyway, sorry so long ..... need some help.

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"He insists he can still remain friends w/ her and maintain the limits. "

WRONG ANSWER!

Sorry ... he has to re-think this.

It's about making priorities in his life.

A 2 choice dilemma means choosing what you are willing to lose.

His choices:

#1 Choose the marriage

#2 Choose the girlfriend

Please advise him there is no choice #3 Stay married and keep girlfriend.

If her friendship is dangerous to the marriage for any reason.... and believe me ... a history of an EA is a definite threat.... then she gets cut loose.

Don't let him pull this one: "If you really loved me you wouldn't ask me to choose."

Yeah, right

Have him think over his priorities.... YOUR protection and security in the marriage.... THIS is the issue, don't allow him to change the issue.

Keep the focus of the discussion on the protection and security of the marriage.... use those as your buzz words.

Pep


<small>[ July 18, 2004, 07:27 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

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brown: What I hear in your post and your question is, "Is there a point where the marriage isn't worth saving?" and "Have H and I reached that point?"

My opinion, and granted, that's all it is, the opinion of a random stranger, is that yes, there is a point where your marriage is not a healthy environment for anybody involved, is not going to become a healthy place in the foreseeable future, and the smart and sensible thing to do is walk away. But I don't think you and your H are there yet, since you both seem to want a healthy marriage and family--it's just that neither of you yet has the skills or knowledge to accomplish it.

Whatever your personal issues are, they don't excuse a secret, intimate EMR on the part of your H. Living with a depressed person for years is difficult--if it's unlivable, the healthy option is to seek a divorce. And I agree with Pepperband--it is not a good idea to okay your H remaining "friends" with this woman.

A little background on me, FWIW. My H was a serial cheat, EAs and PAs, till two and a half years ago. Thanks to some hard work and intensive counseling, he's a recovering WS. At d-day, our marriage would have been a prime candidate for calling "enough is enough" on--except for the little, tiny, but ever so crucial detail that we both still loved each other dearly. But keeping the unhealthy marriage we had wasn't an option. We had to scrap our "old marriage" and rebuild an entirely new one. And it was hard. For both of us. And much of it SUCKED. But it is SOOOOO worth it.

I too, had a history of depression and "personal issues" and I used that as an excuse for allowing myself to be disregarded and mistreated in my marriage for YEARS. After all, he was "good" enough to continue to be married to a "problem child" like me. I didn't deserve equal treatment to a "good, normal" wife. Bullpucky! Nobody deserves to be cheated on and disregarded.

Your H will probably be very resistant to the idea of cutting ties with the OW. But if you are willing to do the hard work of creating a new and better marriage, the least he owes you is a safe environment to do that work in. The marriage is NOT an emotionally safe environment to do work on intimacy and vulnerability and honest communication if there is a third party looming in the background. He wouldn't ask a construction worker to work on the structure of a high rise without a safety harness--it's not fair to ask you to put your heart "on the line" without the safety of him committing fully to you, without a "backup girlfriend" in the wings.

Best wishes to you!

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I wanted to say thank you for responding. We have read this posts together. I don't know if it will be taking into advice (by my H), but I hope so.

I think it is and will be worth it to really to try and work things out. We've never really tried to (or maybe wanted to) work things out, I think we were both hoping that things would go back to being so effortless, as when we first got together in the first place.

We prayed toghter. Right now that's all we can do, b/c things are really too new and raw right now.

I want to be my H's bestfriend again. And there is alot of forgiveness in friendship. He says he really misses his "bestfriend". Well, we'll see if we can really be friends to each other - w/o any other "bestfriends". He's very fearful that he will end up not having any friends after all, if he let's go. But I'm afraid to say that's the chance he has to take, to totally and sincerely give us a chance too. I care about this man and always have...just sometimes (with the depression) I couldn't and didn't show him that. I keep saying to myself "what chances am I taking here?"

I have told him that I could handle a separation and even a divorce, I couldn't handle him starting over and giving someone else his very best and having never tried to give me that again. I intend to do that very thing ... give him my very best (now that I know what that is).

Thank you again and please pray for us. We know this will not be easy. We really want this.

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Brown,

I have just read this thread and it really made me sad... I hope your H will see the light out of his fog and realize it NOT possible to stay ‘friends’ with OW any longer... Not even on platonic level. I was involved in an inappropriate friendship which developed to beginning stage of EA myself. I have griefed the loss of a friendship too, but I have learned that ONCE the boundary was crossed from a platonic friendship into something more, there is NO turning back... Although your H didn’t had a PA with his girlfriend, his EA was still “adultery of the heart”. The emotional damage from an EA is just as damaging as an PA to both a WS and BS... You H need to stop all contact and friendship with this woman. A good book for your H to read is “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass.

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 05:06 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

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suzet thanx

So much to work out here and we don't need any further complications.

I didn't mean to make you "sad", b/c it really sad when any relationship comes to this. I am hopeful that our - mine - his life will never be the same - Oh thank God for that.

thanx again (all advice taken into consideration)

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Brown,

Thanks for your response! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The reason I said your post made me ‘sad’ (maybe I chose the wrong word <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) was because it reminded me of myself when I was in the fog and not willing to totally give up the friendship and break all contact with OM after my H discovered the EA... It made me sad to see how many people out there in similar situations are in self-denial and think they can ‘control’ the situation (especially opposite sex friendship).

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brown,
I'm sure you've read my responses to your H's threads. I just wanted you to know that at least it's a good sign that your H wants to work on things with you. My H refuses to make the OW, in which he was having an EA with, stop attending his classes. He too says that it was a mistake and he would make sure that it didn't continue but of course it did. I don't know if it's still going on now but that's because he refuses to work on our M anymore. I guess I just wanted to tell you you're not alone.

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GBM:

Yes, I know you've responded to my H. THank you from both of us.

I spoke to H about cutting off the OW completely. He wants to explain this to her and make it clear. I feel, if you don't talk to someone and not make yourself available to them ...hum ... they'll get message. I am trying to be more supportive to him, b/c he really does seem to want this (and so do I). But, I've made it very clear the OW cannot be in the mix. I'm not that "well" and "supportive". And I feel like the more he resist ...the more he really wants to keep her around. Nope! Sorry! No can do! I said it is like putting her feelings above mine again. When I didn't know .... it didn't hurt me ... so to speak. (Grave understatement!!!) Now I know, and I do not accept it as "just a Friend". I will have to work this out w/ the H.

Since we all do work at the same place, I have offered to do some "damage control" - H did not that phrase - but what else do you call it when you are showing "good face" to lessen the possibility of ruined reputations - mine - his - hers. I told him if he thinks no one knows except the 3 of us he's crazy. I even had rumor about myself and close woman friend - it's just the way it is. It's hard to believe that the H and I were married for so many years and so many people thought that we were having an affair too (smile). This even after I was pregnant w/ our second child (our daughters are 8 years apart). So, I said I would drop down by his area and walk w/ my head high and really make my presence known.

We'll see and hope and pray <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />


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