Woke up excited today. Had a good nights sleep. Woke everyone up in the house in order to spend time together before I leave tomorrow. Wanted to buy my little sister a new cell phone cover and upgrade my mom's old cell phone. Everything was going well. I was happy as it seemed things were finally going okay. I even seemed to be on better terms with WH since he's been calling me up multiple times the past few days just to say hi and see what I was up to.

By the time I got out of the shower things were back to the same old things. It seems like there is no point in trying to make plans anymore down here. Nobody ever sticks to them and everyone here thinks that it's just how it is. My dad called to tell me that he can't go tomorrow to help me make the drive. It will have to be put off another week. This is the 4th time it's been postponed. I was only supposed to be here until the end of June. Now it's looking like I'll be here until the end of July. I hate feeling bad about not wanting to be with my family because I love them so much but I've never really fit into their way of living but I miss them when they're not around none the less.

So I had to call WH to tell him that I won't be in town this week to pick up my things and he explains that he understands why I want to get away from my family here but he still believes that it wouldn't be in either of our best interests for me to move back up there. Just what I wanted to hear...

I just feel like I'm moving away from the only people who love me to a place where I'm not even wanted. I can't stand living here though. I just want my life back. I want to be wanted by my H again. It hurts leaving my family behind. Even when I used to visit I always regretted having to leave them when I went back home but I always knew I was going to be greeted by him when I got there and that always made it worth it. Now I'm leaving them behind but he won't be there welcoming me home.

I keep preparing myself for the move and I get everything in check and it keeps getting pulled out from under me. I love my family so much. It's going to be so lonely up there without him but I have some friends still and I'm willing to deal with the hardships if it means I might have a better chance at reuniting with the man I love. I just feel like I'm never going to make it up there. I had been asking everyday if we were still going to be leaving on Monday and everyday it was an absolutely. I can't see next week being any different.

I'm just trying so hard to work on things but being this far away from him just makes it easier for him to tell me hurtful things that he wouldn't say to my face. I'm still plan Aing things as best I can. I think he still enjoys talking to me. I think it's strange that he calls me so much when it's him who wants to break things off with me. He's always said he's never understood why couples can't stay friends after a break up. I don't think he's ever been the one dumped. I won't give up and I'm not going to smother him. It just gets me down when he tells me he doesn't want me physically around.

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 12:39 AM: Message edited by: GoodByeMe ]</small>

Hi GM, I just want to offer you some support. You are a truly great person doing what you are doing. A little patience and it will hopefully work out just the way you want it. Chin up, and keep to you plan!!

Thanks RM,
I think I'm over the upset of not being able to leave again but it's now been replaced with fear and sadness of what will come when I finally do get there. I talk to H a few times a day (mainly he calls me). He talks as though nothing has ever happened. We talk about the same things we always did. Just no ILYs or IMYs. I thought we were gaining a little ground when he started bringing up things that we did in the past that were fun, but still he doesn't want me around.

It's hard. When I talk to him everything feels like it should. We don't argue and most of the time I can get through the converstation without thinking about the OW and that he doesn't want me anymore. Sometimes I even forget that this is all going on and I feel like I'm just on a trip to visit my parents and that when I get back he'll be there for me and that's not the case anymore. I just want to ask him why he doesn't think it would be good for either of us for me to live in the same area as he. I'm sure I've asked him before, during a time when I lost control and started crying again, but I don't recall what he said. I have a problem with blocking out things that hurt me. For some reason I keep thinking he said that it's just the way he feels. Right now he's been extreamly paranoid. He thinks people are watching him everytime he walks out of the house. He says that by going up there I would just make that worse. Also, he said he thinks it would be too hard on me because there would be too many reminders of him around and that I might run into people he knew and that wouldn't be good because they are all really devoted to him.

He's acting more and more like his dad everyday. He needs to get out of that environment in order to start thinking on his own without his dad poisoning his mind. Unfortunately, he's broke so he's had to spend even more time at home and can't afford to move although I guess I'd rather have him be somewhere that I know where he is. My main complaint about our M was our living arrangments. I hated living with his parents because we had no privacy to ourselves. We couldn't afford an apartment of our own and he thought living with a roommate would be the same as living with his parents and at least then we didn't have to pay rent. I don't know, I just found it very uncomfortable trying to be intimate with his parents in the next room.

I'm just rambling now. It's just now I always have the fear that if he doesn't call it's because he's talking to the OW since that's what the case was when I last knew what was going on.

He's changed banks away from the one that has our joint account without telling me, removed my cell phone from his account and tells me about his progress of rearranging things in our bedroom (while taking my things out). I just don't see how he can be doing these things yet calls me to talk as if nothing's happened. He seems to expect me to just be fine with all of it as if it's just the natural way that things flow. He wants to continue to chat about everyday things and interests as "just friends" while he's throwing me out at the same time. I'm finding it very confusing. I've never had someone leave me yet call me everyday just to say hi and see what I was up to.

Hi GoodByeMe... I have a thought, but I don't know if it would be a good thing or a bad thing.

Due to your dad's postponing, your H knows that you are depending on your dad. Thus, in your H eyes, he may see you as weak & dependent. Not good.

If you were to muster up all you've got, and headed back on your own, it would show your H that you're making changes in yourself. You would look strong & independent. Especially if it's something that you normally would not do. That would be good.

Also, if I decided to do that, I would not make a big deal out of it to my H, even if it were a big deal to me.

Just something to think about...

Isleepwithacat

The reason my dad is coming with me is not because of emotional or financial support. The only reason he's coming with me is to share the drive. I've only been driving on highways for about a month (fear of cars) and it just didn't seem smart for me to drive 1200 miles alone especially since I've never even driven on a road trip before. H knows this and didn't think I should make the drive alone either. Another thing is that my car is a used car just recently purchased so my dad doesn't want to risk the chance of it breaking down while I'm alone so he wants to trailer it up there. I wouldn't want to worry my parents by taking the trip alone either (they're already worried enough about me as it is) and I think that's the main reason why I'm not doing that. If there was a way for me to do that without my parents knowing I went alone I would but since I'm staying at my mom's house down here it's hard to hide that.

On another note, I got a call from H today once again just to talk. The subject came up that he thinks his parents think he is trying to avoid them. I asked why they thought that and he said he just doesn't like being around people and that he enjoyed his solitude. He said he prefers the phone. Now I didn't know what he meant by that. Possibly he was saying that he would prefer to talk with me on the phone than have to see me in person or basically that with everyone, but the thing that popped into my head was that the phone was the method in which he kept in contact with OW. So I asked him "Oh, do you use it often?". He got quiet for a few seconds and responded "not really". Hmm... Okay. I hate not knowing if he is still talking to her but he's changed all of his passwords and even put an extra block on me accessing his cell phone records after the last time he told me that he was going to stop talking to her. I'm just not going to think about it now.

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 04:45 PM: Message edited by: GoodByeMe ]</small>