PREFACE: Before I ask this question I ask the ladies of this forum to resist responding with Disrespectful Judgments. When it comes sexual needs, it seems than in our current society it is ok to bash men because their primary sexual sensors are sight and touch. Women judge a man harshly who does a double take at another woman who is scantly dressed. But that same woman would not think twice about another woman watching a soap opera and engaging her primary sexual sensor, her mind.

QUESTION: This question is for both men and women. How do you cope with your sexual needs and desires when your WS is still grieving and does not want sexual contact? I don’t want to create a LB but I am feeling the strain of sexual tension. When I thought the A was over a year ago, it was not, I moved too quickly to restore the arena of sexual intimacy. I don’t want to make that mistake again.

I am probably a wimp; it has only been a month and a half. You should know that I am a recovering “internet porn” addict, so I am sure that withdrawal is a factor here. I don’t want to LB and I don’t want to return to a “counterfeit” for meeting sexual intimacy needs.

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: zippyTWM ]</small>

Speaking as a BW with no interest in seeing others intimacy whether on television or elsewhere; I would suggest self gratification for as long as you can. Don't make your W feel as though if she doesn't do this for you that you will try to find it elsewhere. Try bringing some romance back into the picture and hopefully she'll come around soon. Try to make her feel good about her appearance and such. Although I'm not in the same position, (I would do anything to be with my WH again), I know that my self image was hurt when I found out about the A because my H told me he didn't find me attractive and the OW was a skinny little thing. I would look at myself and feel disgusted. Also, all I could picture was H kissing OW so I didn't want to even touch his lips. I don't know how to get over that yet, but I do think that romance and compliments can really help in showing her that it is only her that you want to be with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GoodByeMe:
<strong>...I know that my self image was hurt when I found out about the A because my H told me he didn't find me attractive and the OW was a skinny little thing.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W said she was NEVER attracted to me. Oh and BTW the OM had just lost 60+ pounds when they first got together; My W lost 40.

My WS feels low and degraded and hates herself, so of course, she does not wish to have sex with me.

When we discuss the A and I ask questions or get angry or start blubbering "I am pushing her away" and she does not wish to have sex with me.

One paragraph in Dr. Harley's letters from the Q&A column on "Recovering Sexual Desire After the Affair" says:

"When most women have affairs, even when sex with their husbands was great before the affair, it's usually lousy during and after the affair. Women usually have trouble dividing their sexual desire among several men, and an affair usually ruins sex with their husbands......Other things being equal, it usually takes about six months after an affair has ended for sexual desire to return."

Our therapist said that some couples agree not to have sex for a certain period of time...3 months, 4, 5, or 6 months. This way there is no pressure of either party.

For me I suggested that we do that. My W did not want to, because it would not help with the emotional re-connecting. But we just lay there in the same bed, kiss each other goodnight and (try) to go to sleep.

I suggested that we do that because I have high expectations that it might happen each night, which it doesn't. Plus I have tremendous performance anxiety. (on Dday I discovered emails where OM was bragging about finding her "G" spot, etc.)

I dread it.. yet want it badly.

Plus the OM is there, between us. He is in the movies in my head. She lays there and I think she is thinking of him.

It is one of the worst parts of the whole GD thing!
k

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by zippyTWM:
<strong>
How do you cope with your sexual needs and desires when your WS is still grieving and does not want sexual contact? I don’t want to create a LB but I am feeling the strain of sexual tension.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I may be in the minority here as a female, but I am in the same boat as you are.... FWH was grieving the loss of his friend (OW) and has felt really really guilty and bad for all the wrong he's done to me and everyone nvolved, and with that came his lack of sexual drive. I on the other hand, well it's a great big EN for me, and I was/ am feeling pretty left out in the cold. I've told him a handful of times, so he knows that SF is something that I really do want to share with him and need. But I didn't want to push him or force him to do anything he didn't want to. Only in the past week (we've been in recovery about 1.5 months too), he's come around and has gotten over his strain and has been meeting my needs. I would suggest not pushing the subject (becasue I have done that and it did become a LB...augh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), but do make her aware of your EN for it. I'm pretty niave when it comes to this... but can you subsitute it with self gratification without resorting to porn (since you are recoverying)?

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 03:35 PM: Message edited by: Doing His will ]</small>

They kind of go hand in hand. (sorry!)
k

Maybe I'm weird or something, but after my A was discovered, my H and I actually had some of the best sex we had had together in years!!!!

That is just MY opinion! He may disagree. And that is his perogitive.

But for me personally, it was in part, the attention and expression of his attraction to me that I felt I had been missing.

I'm sorry Zippy, I didn't realize you were the BS. In this case I can't really offer any advice as the last time (and only time since his A was discovered) we were together he told me when we started that he didn't want to give me the wrong impression, then during he says it feels like what we were doing was wrong, and then immidiately after he told me "ok, now will you go to Texas?" Not the best memory of the last time we were together. Not to mention him telling me that I was unattractive to him the week before.

One other factor complicating the issue is that my W is recovering from knee surgery. I know to at least some extent this allows her to be extra distant with a built-in excuse. I have been giving her space and helping her, when she will let me, during her recovery. I don’t think there is ANY chance of any form PA during the recovery. Tonight we are going out to see Spiderman 2. This is the first time in three months that we will be together without the kids. I am just hoping for a pleasant time.