After a night of drinking with the boys I managed to find myself in bed with a strange woman. That wouldn't normally be a problem except for the fact that I am married (15 years) with three children. Due to the drinking my memory is very very hazy. I am not sure how I met her (I was at a bar) or what I had told her about myself. We did not have sex but not far from it, that part I due remember. I was out with about 15 male friends that night and don't know what they know either. I'm freaking out! I have never done anything like this in my life and have what I think is the perfect marriage. Question is what do I do now? I know where this girl lives and wonder if I should go there and dicuss it with her. Maybe she's just happy to forget the whole thing happened...I know I am. I just can't get over the jepordy I have put my family's life in.

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: What_Have_I_done ]</small>

1. Go to the doctor and get yourself tested for STD wthin the next 2 weeks.

2. Read the concepts section above and learn how to
repair your damage.

3. Get on the phone with Steve here @ MB for some 1 on 1 phone counseling. He will help you to approach your W with this info. She does need to know.

4. Figure out if you are gonna expose her sexually to your act before getting the STD results.

5. Were you given a drug last night?

6. Can you get info from the more sober 'buddies'?

7. You'd better think next time you go drinking with these so called friends. Hope none were you relatives.

8. You got a lot of reading, meditating and repenting to do.

Hope you learned your lesson.

Welcome to MB. This is hard place to be but if you apply yourself, you will get better.

take care,
L.

Do you drink often?
Do you drink too much often?

Just a thought that this might be a sign that you have a drinking problem and should go to an Alcholics Annon. meeting?!

If you don't often drink and are sure you don't have a problem then perhaps you WERE drugged?

You should tell your wife what happened and beg her to help you figure out what the heck happened and why?!

WHID,
On the drinking point I'm going to go a bit further than Orchid.

Although I don't know all of your history with alcohol, I think I'm safe in saying that you need to seriously consider giving it up.

Although you may not be an alcoholic, your behavior is consistent with binge drinking. Even if episodes rarely occur the fact that this one got so out of hand illustrates my point. If you've never had an episode before, I'd still advise not drinking because look how severe this first time turned out.

Unfortunately alcohol is NOT an excuse for any behavior including marital infidelity.

I believe alcohol is a "facilitator" What I mean is, you said you had the perfect marriage well IMHO that can't be completely true. The alcohol has "allowed" a behavior that consciously you wouldn't ever have considered.

Although not an alcoholic, I, too, became a binge drinker after discovering my W's affair and the related long term lying.

What does your W think about your drinking? Has she ever commented? Have you asked her?

Any thoughts?

Mac

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 02:09 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Just a few points of clearification.When I said I was not far from having sex I meant I was close to having sex with her. Not physicaly. And after talking to the local STD clinic I'm not at risk. Secondly I don't have a drinking problem, except for the lack of judgement. This was a once a year event in which I had way way too much to drink. As fas as been drugged I don't care if I was. I realize my wife's love can do amazing things but I'm going to have to live the rest of my life with this burden. Hopefully my family never finds out what I have done to our lives.

Glad to know you weren't at an STD risk. Emotionally and morally you are. That is where MB can help. Read the basic concepts above and get ahold of the book: Surviving an Affair. There is more (reading) to come. I know you are remorseful but you can still blow this chance if you think you are better off than you are. You have given your M a devasting blow. Your W and family will see and feel the consquences and not know why. This may frustrate them and cause them to look into areas not related to the real problem.

As for the drugs, I was thinking more of someone slipping something into your drinks. Has been done. C/b a gag or not but the place where it took you isn't funny and you know it.

As for your guilt, you are going to have to work through that and that is where MB can help.

L.

Decisions regarding drinking and the amount are second on my list right now. When it comes to telling my wife how can I risk everything by telling her when there is a possiblity she may never find out. I've hung this weight around my neck but I don't want to even share the weight with my family. This is something I will live with the rest of my life and am perpared to do so. I have sacrificed my entire life for my family and I refuse to risk it anymore than I already have. Does this make any sense?

"I've hung this weight around my neck but I don't want to even share the weight with my family. "

Are you a pretty good actor?
Can you live the rest of your life acting "as if" and showing NO guilty emotional residue on your marriage?

Or will the weight of this act change your posture? Cause you to walk humped over looking at the ground?

See... if you are not a good actor, your family will notice something is wrong ... and without a clue as to what it is ... they may try to assume some responsibility for why you are behaving so miserably...

Do you want to spend the rest of your life acting happy? Are you willing to keep your family guessing what is wrong with you?

Be careful with that emotional weight, it can change your balance and your posture...

Think about it.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">find myself in bed with a strange woman...Due to the drinking my memory is very very hazy... We did not have sex but not far from it, that part I due remember </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i'm not sure i understand... did anything happen between you two? were clothes removed or not? what did happen?

if you cannot answer that question due to the alcohol how can you state:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I said I was not far from having sex I meant I was close to having sex with her. Not physicaly. And after talking to the local STD clinic I'm not at risk. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and why would you even ask any question to a local STD clinic if you were only close to having sex in your mind and not phycially (if that is what you are trying to say).

i am not trying to beat you up, i've done a LOT worse than a one night stand, i'm just trying to understand exactly what did occur. this information will help use to better advise you and will help you too.

WHID,

You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is something I will live with the rest of my life and am perpared to do so. I have sacrificed my entire life for my family and I refuse to risk it anymore than I already have. Does this make any sense?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That sounds very noble. Very selfsacraficing but not very honest.

Good marriages are built on honesty. Earlier you said you had the the perfect marriage.

BTW you said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was out with about 15 male friends that night and don't know what they know either. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't kid yourself. I'd guess 90% of these guys know what happened. Are all of these people in the "best friend" category? A secret like this would be tough enough to keep quiet even if ony one or two of your best friends knew it. Add to the list the girl and that's 16 people who need to keep a secret.

I really think you're in denial. Would it be better for your wife to hear this from you or from the wife or girl friend of on of your bussies? In which instance is she most likely to forgive? The one that communicates honesty from you or the one that amplifies the shame that she'll feel?

Just a few thoughts. Afterall you asked.

Mac

I thank you all for your advice and thoughts. As for "Mac's" comments I couldn't agree with you more. That's why I'm so afraid (denial). There is fear the of my wife finding out and there is the fact that either way (telling/not telling) I've destroyed something that is the most important thing in my life ...My family. I realize I didn't show it that night and maybe I'm not showing it now by not telling her.

I also realize that most people say tell your wife and let your love work it out but these are easy things to say and in my case (right now) impossible to do. Maybe as the days pass and I read more I'll change my mind. But as of right now I'm "clinging" to the slightest chance she doesn't have to find out. As far as noble and selfsacraficing...I feel neither..all I feel is Shame!!!!!

missed a few things.... finallylearning without getting into details I called my local STD clinic looking for Help and/on direction regarding this matter. I also wanted confirmation that std'd were not an issue. Pepperband, all I can say is I'm prepared to give it my best effort. Hopefully it's a better effort then my night out. Chances are I'm not making perfect sense that's why I do appreciate your help and advice.

..all I feel is Shame!!!!!

I wonder what it will be like for your wife... married to you while all you feel is shame...

Probably not great for her, doncha think?

If you made the decision to do the "right thing" ... perhaps you could feel something different than "shame" for the rest of your life???

Doesn't your wife deserve a husband who isn't living in shame?

pep

When you hold things like this to yourself you cause more harm than good. You have to be honest with your wife. I can tell you from my experiance, keeping these things in will make you feel horrible and possibly cause it to happen again. Right now it may seem like keeping this from your wife is the kindest thing for her but it will only hurt your marriage in the end. One secret leads to another and before long a worse problem has arose. Would you want your wife to hide something like this from you?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news..but to be honest, I don't think you have the right to withold this info from your wife. You can not protect your wife and family with deceit. I hate to judge so harshly *but* [always a but isn't there] what I'm getting from you is not so much a fear of harming your wife, than a fear of having to live with the consequences of your actions. Whether you tell her or not, she has been wronged by you, you are guilty. You woke up in bed with another woman..period. I'd be willing to bet that if asked, your wife would say that she found that information relevant. You are actively lying to her every minute of every day and you had better believe that when she finds out [not if] she will count every day that you kept this from her as a nail in your coffin..the fact that you were able to go about your buisiness..laugh with her, be intimate with her..while deceiving her will cast every moment she has ever had with you into doubt. You have a choice..you can be an honest man who made a mistake and is genuinely remorsefull about it..or you can be a liar. Which would you rather be married to?

WHID,
One more thought. I've been here on MB a long time. I've learned something that I believe is relevant to your situation.

The longer the lie is continued the less likely for recovery. What happens if the secret is kept for years but then gets out.

From my personal experience and from helping others here at MB, I can tell you that BSs feel that all of the marriage from the infidelity to present is one big lie.

Think about it. Think of how many special fun events will turn into a lie for your wife. In my case an expensive European vacation is a complete lie. My kids' events at school were lies. Even the "I love yous" were lies. Several Christmas, birthdays and Valentine Days were also lies.

Remember there are two types of lies:commission and ommisssion.

Commission are the direct lies when asked questions. Omissions are more subtle but lies none the less. For ex: Your W askes you how you're night out with your "buddies" was. You answer, "Oh fine. We had a good time. Went to so & so bar and blah blahed. Well of course all of that's true but you omit the fact that you woke up naked with another woman.

One more thing and I'll leave you alone. Whatever you do, don't make things worse by lying if your W ever suspects and asks you about it.

It makes recovery so much harder. I discovered my W's A and asked her about it. She turned it around on me and made me feel like I was paranoid and jealous of her friendship. I found out more she lied more. She dug herself and our marriage deeper and deeper. When it all came out she said "I lied bc I was scared." She lied bc it was the easiest most comfortable thing to do and that's how humans react to stress. Telling the truth was too hard and would make her feel uncomfortable. VERY SELFISH.

Any way she fianlly admitted to an EA. To make a longstory short after nearly 2years of false recovery, I discovered it was a PA with talk of marriage and "soul mates" for life.

So if you decide to lie to your W and your kids, at least decide now that if you're ever caught you won't make a bad situation nearly hopeless.

Mac

I thought things would get easier with time but I'm finding the opposite. I being consumed with hundreds of senerios going through my mind. I relalize that the only true way to put this behind us is to tell my wife. Surprise suprise I'm more scared than I have ever been. I can't imagine the thought of loosing my family. I don't even know how I would go about telling her. What about the kids? Should I send them to family before I tell her? How is it possible that a 2 hour mistake can erase everything that is dear to me. I messed up bad. Whether I tell her or don't our lives are altered forever. I keep coming back to the same thought. There is chance (however slight) that she will never have to know. I may learn to live with what I have done and we continue to live our lives together. On the other hand if I tell her, there is a chance that she will choose to leave me. I ask myself, "What kind of choices are these?"...hard ones!

WHID

You keep answering your own question...

There is no way you CAN'T tell her. Don't make it worse by lying and hiding from the consequences. Re-read our posts over and over.

The sooner you tell her, the sooner you can make it up to her and start to heal.

There is a reason this is eating you alive...guilt. What you did was wrong. Start talking and you'll feel better, guaranteed.

Don't compound the crime by adding lying to the mix, What. Its bad enough all ready. You have no right to withhold this information from your wife, this is about HER LIFE.

She has every right to know that you have strayed from marriage so that she can make a decision about whether or not she wants to stay in the marriage. THAT IS HER RIGHT.

She also needs to know so that she can take steps to protect herself from you. To not tell her is cruel and manipulative, it is just keeping her in the marriage via a LIE.

She has a RIGHT to decide if she wants to stay married to you, What, and she can't make that decision if your cruelly withhold facts about her life from her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Due to the drinking my memory is very very hazy. I am not sure how I met her (I was at a bar) or what I had told her about myself. We did not have sex but not far from it, that part I due remember. I was out with about 15 male friends that night and don't know what they know either.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Frankly, I doubt that you didn't have sex. If you don't remember how you met her and your memory was hazy, then its very likely that you were in a blackout. If you were in a blackout, you couldn't remember if you did or not.

I find it very unbelievable that you simply laid there and did nothing and even less believable that you, in a drunken state, refused to have sex with a willing and able partner. That doesn't ring true AT ALL, my friend.