What, you will never be ready for such a thing. If you wait to be ready or prepared, you will be waiting a very long time because you won't ever be any more prepared. It is a very hard thing to have to face the consequences of your actions, I don't argue with that. This is not an easy thing and no one will tell you that. But it is always the right thing to do.

WHID,
Last post on this thread...

I knew if you waited long enough you'd get some advice like this...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> in my opinion (and again, this may not be the best advise), but if the hurt is going to cause more damage than the one-night stand, and you can handle holding the info in, i don't think there's a need to tell. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the psycho babble that came out of the 60's & 70's and is still somewhat prevalent today especially with the radio personalities like Dr Laura (not a real psychologist) {BTW Dr Laura was a WW herself and divorced her H}

The theory says it's OK to lie to your spouse bc telling the truth will make you feel uncomfortable. Since that was the height of the "me" generation that says it all. ME ME ME & ME some more.

and...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">all i can say is make sure you're ready for the healing process, it's a long road! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, I don't want to have to work on the marriage. That's too hard for ME ME ME & ME. I want my spouse to work on it and hand it to me.

JHF also said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i will probably keep quiet until i understand the consequences of my mistake. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you already understand the consequences.

The bottom line is that any sort of affair is a sign that the WS is extremely selfish. The fact that they can't be honest about it is just further confirmation.

Mac

PS As we speak the girlfriend of fireman #10 is on the phone with the wife of fireman #15 relating the story she heard from fireman #3 and confirmed by her BF. Wife of fireman #15 who has been a victim of infidelity herself is now dialing your home number. Time is running out for the proactive stance. Get ready to react.

Hello WHID,

If you want some real life experience I can give you that. My husband waited one day to tell me..he spent that day talking with a pastor and summoning his courage. He admitted that for a moment or two he desperately wanted to keep this to himself. He was so ashamed. He told me over the phone because he was away and could not return [he is in the military]. He was so distressed that he called, hung up and threw up , then called back..some of his words were rushed..to be honest I don't even remember exactly what he said. The message was conveyed..what he had done, and that he was sorry. His clumsiness in no way put me off, I was actually touched by his honesty..touched that he could have tried to conceal it and didn't. We had been married seven years at the time and I could feel the sadness/regret/fear/pain/shame rolling off of him. Don't waste your time orchestrating a show..this is real. I didn't cry then..I didn't scream at him..I didn't throw him out..I did go into a state of shock that took months to wear off. I didn't eat or sleep. Eventually you will have to face all of the emotional hurdles..but there is no way to predict when or how or in what order..she may be angry..she may be tearfull..she may be numb for awhile..

I can see you wanting to prepare for this as though you were getting your gear ready for some challenging activity...anger..check...remorse..check tell her in this tone, turn a quarter inch to the side so that the light hits you in a flattering way..check.

Throughout this thread I have noticed that what you seem to fear most is the lack of control over what comes next. I truly believe that is the root of your desire to keep it from her. You know it's wrong, but you fear the abyss. This lack of control is terrifying. You have no need to be ashamed of it. Consider this though, you acted independently in making a choice that landed you in another womans bed..do you not think that your wife would tremble at the lack of control she had over those decisions? I bet she would, and that in her position you would as well. Yet you took those actions without even considering how it might affect her. All of your remorse is in hindsight..it's done. Time to pay the piper. Might your wife blow up at you in some way that would haunt your dreams? Absolutely. Remember this though..you volunteered for the position. She didn't. She had zero choice. You acted and she will have to deal with the fallout of your actions. It isn't too much to ask that you deal with them as well.

WHID, you seem like you have had the fright of your life. In some ways I'd compare it to having a small heart attack - a warning gift - in stead of a massive heart attack, that does HUGE damage and messes your life up for years to come - that is unless it kills you outright.

I'm a betrayed wife and I accidently discovered my H playing around, after 30 yrs M, most of which was very, very good for both of us. The discovery, came when my H was ending the "sitution" as he had found it really stressful and ugly. I have seen the evidence of his efforts to end it and had I not found out, I believe it would have stopped. H did not have intercourse with OW (she woow'd him into an A and then literally played the reluctant virgin - which she claimed she was). Just can't understand a virgin writing a 'come on' letter to a married man twice her age - but we live in Asia, so enough said!

I don't know how he would have dealt with the guilt and ugliness of his behavior had I not found out - he's sure dealt with it now. He told me he would have squashed it or blocked it out of his mind. He is very good at putting things behind him and he never looks back or thinks about lost opportunities. I am sure he would have gone on with the M much as he did before, rather grateful that he didn't mess his life up by his foolish behavior. It's possible that our relationship would not have been as good after that - but I think I would have been a lot happier than knowing what he did do.

The discovery has messed up our lives very much. I was sick for months as a result of the shock - and I was extremely healthy prior to that. H, has a highly paid job with a lot of stress attached. He is planning to retire early from a career that had meant everything to him until now. He's a broken man and all he cares about is restoring some peace and happiness for the two of us. The A has consumed our lives and it will be a very long time till we get back to the lovely comfortable lives we enjoyed before all this happened.

Personally, I wish I hadn't discovered the A. I guess I feel "what you don't know, doesn't hurt you" and I think that can be true even with some acts of unfaithfulness. If you are man enough to look square on at the seriousness of what you've done. If you can work hard from this moment on to make it up to your wife and love her to death and be a better husband, then why put her thru the pain of what you did? The pain is absolutely crushing - and not only will you continue to feel as bad as you do now, but you will feel even worst to see how much you've hurt your wife.

We have close friends and HE had a sexual encounter with an asian girl here. He even caught an STD from the girl, and gave it to his wife. Even though she is a highly qualified person, she didnt catch on that what she caught from her H was an STD (even though she had to attend the STD clinic). She probably thought he caught it from a urinal ???? I can't help thinking that she didn't want to know. They are still married 12 yrs later and have had their ups and downs, but they are company for one and other and are enjoying their very large family of grown children and their first grandchild has just arrived. All very exciting. Plus they have over come a lot of financial problems and are finally relaxing - in their middle 50's. I'm really happy for them that their M has survived. I'm glad that she never found out.

WE know about her husbands affair and she doesn't know and I really envy her not knowing. They are happy enough and I cannot see how him telling her would have made a great deal of difference to their lives except to place unbearable strain on their M. They were never really that well matched and in spite of everything they have reasonably happy lives together and seem content with their lot in life.

I accept that what I'm saying is against MB's principals. I do not wish to offend anyone, but have thought about this a lot and it's just the way I feel. I really don't think your friends will say anything. My H's best friend was in on his A and he didn't say anything, but then he was also cheating on his wife, so why would he?

I guess you need to have a non alcoholic evening with your mates and see what their attitude is. Are they decent people or idiots?

Above all else, look hard and long at yourself. Never deminish what you did, in your mind. Wear it honestly and learn from it. And make it your lifes goal to protect your beautiful wife from the horror of infidelity in future.

kind regards
an

whid,

i have been reading your post but have not had much to say due to the shame i feel for what i have done, for how long i did it and for how long it took me to confess and how even after confession i still make bad/selfish choices.

i am very impressed with how quickly you have come to the decision to confess. you should feel good about that.

you and your W are in my prayers tonight. may God help you both to heal.

WHID.

Uhm... your looking for advice, see noodles post. I think it accurately conveys what you need to hear. Of course you are confused, your gonna be, and more confused than ever before in your life...

Now, given all that, I think you are still flat out lying to us over what went on. I don't know what is your motivation for this, it makes no sense...but, I do not know many men that wouldn't be screaming out about "I did not have sex, so, I'm okay." Of course, we know that is absurd, to an extent...but, you woke up to a gal from which you have no emotional attachment, you didn't have sex with her, and you have no risk for std exposure? Does this make any sense at all to you, or anyone else here? Hell, you sound like about an average drive around town for most BS's not long after they find out...I think each of us has to struggle through a period of looking at people as 'potential targets' for that RA. In our minds, we commit adultery again and again, but our actions prove otherwise (for alot of us)... you screwed up, but, I think it sounds like it was a mental screw up and not a physical one... by your words. However, in the same breath, I think you are not telling us the truth.

MB rule number 1. Put it on the table. The truth will set you free.

How do you tell her? Well, you tell her with love, compassion, and remorse, and regret, and fear, and anger at yourself, and assuringly tell her of your intentions to DO WHATEVER SHE ASKS OF YOU TO PROVE YOUR COMMITTMENT TO THE MARRIAGE, as long as she doesn't ask you to enter into sin.

DO NOT SEPARATE over this. As long as you two are in the same house, your odds of survival increase...both of you need to establish accountability to each other. She may need to protect herself from herself right now as much as you need to protect yourself from yourself. Open book...all passwords, cell phone records, everything you have, give them to her...show that this was a singular mistake (or whatever it is you call it, having sex-not / having sex (are you Bill Clinton?)

Okay, I'm getting really sleepy. Get a counselor, it shows your initiative, don't ask her if she wants one, just get one. Take the lead here, don't seek her approval on things that you simply 'know' are the right thing to do.

You and I had a similar unfortunate 'event'. Do a search in "General Questions II" for "1 night of stupidity" - you can read about my situation. I told her very soon afterward...

Rookkev, What is your problem with the story? My FWH was in regular contact with a girl for ten weeks and went on 3 dates, two of which lasted 11 hours, and he didn't have sex with her. He was too nervous with her the first dae (first time alone with her, and she was half his age and barely spoke English. The second time he kissed her and touched her breasts but when he attempted to go further, she resisted and removed his hand from her belt. The third date, she took off her bra and kissed him rolling awkwardly around on our bed. When another attempt was made to go below the belt, she claimed she had "auntie visiting" (asian's use toy words for bodily functions). So, I don't find "what have I done's" story at all weird. Not every situation ends in penatrative sex. There's a whole bunch of variables with a whole bunch of different people coming at it all in different ways. Oh and do I think my H is lying? No. Because the girl he got mixed up with wasn't interested in having sex with him, she was interested in getting at his bank account and she was continually asking him about and for money!!! As he'd made up his mind he wasn't giving her any, she made up her mind she wasn't giving him any (sex)! The first thing he said to me when I discovered the A was that "I haven't had sex with her". And because he hadn't had sex with her he didn't think he was having an A!

an

I started to post this yesterday but decided not to.

WHID,

Is this the first time something like this has happened?

Granted what you did (or say you did) isn't exactly model behavior for anyone......but nothing happened, right? Seems to me that this shouldn't be some deep dark secret you have to keep for the rest of your life. Tell your wife what you told us, she'll believe you right?

I don't mean to sound pessimistic but like Rook said, something seems fishy here. If I am wrong I apologize.

God Bless

Doug

Anyname, in your situation, your husband repeatedly was persuing her, and she was leading him into the trap, and he persued it. Now, I'm not one to give any excuses in this sort of scenario, but, if WHID was as drunk as claimed, and I have no idea how to get there, I don't get drunk like that when I drank real heavy...I haven't ever lost my memory, then, what happened, well, its strange. He tells us nothing happened, and yet, has this paranoia of his wife discovering something afoot. HIs fear seems to be one of one who did have sex. I'm just not comfortable with how the story is described...perhaps he was given oral sex, and thus is very confused by it all, whether it really is sex or not... and understandably so. But, his was a one night sort of stand, with no precontrived intentions. I think that many of us could find ourselves in similair predicaments if we allow ourselves to not be above reproach.

My post was in no way pointed towards you Anyname, it was very specific to this individual who seems to be struggling with TRUTH about the night, about what happened, about what he posts here, and about what he should be telling his wife. He seeks advice and yet is unwilling to provide the details to get telling advice. I have to wonder, with sooo much withholding to us, whom he has no invested interest in, how he ever expects to be able to confide in his wife. I surely hope he can find a way, and I have posted my share on the board trying to help others out as much as I have tried to get advice. I know I have helped some, and was duely thanked, and I also know I rub some people very wrong, and for that I apologize, but, my posts of advice are always meant to help, not hurt.

Rook, I still don't find his story unbelievable. Yes, he comes across as really frightened by what's happened, but he might be a normally very conservative guy who had never considered cheating on his life. He might have a wife that he adores and yet he is shocked to discover how he came so close to blowing his marriage. Besides, he did enough to ring the STD clinic, so he did something. And he might think that OS is not sex. I think he's really scared and he scared himself.

At the end of the day we can only advise. He must carry the can.

WHID,

NOT trying to get on your case here, but this sounds a little fishy here.
Let me get this straight you: You admit that your memory is at the least "hazy" as to any details. You also DON'T even Know "How" you met this OW.
You can't recall what in all your 15 friends DO or Do Not know. (Why? cause you can't remember as you were SO drunk).

Yet, the ONE Detail you are SURE about is that you went as far as you could "without" actually going all the way. HMMMM
Can you see how this just doesn't quite Compute?

Could you just not be quit sure about this and are just Filling in the Blanks with what you WANT to be true?
People with clearer heads then yours (at the time) have been known to "rewrite" history or events to better fit with the way they'd like them to be.
Sounds to me like you could be doing something similar.

In any case, that is the least of your challenges.
Its a fact you had inappropriate contact with another woman (regardless of how "far" it went).

I am one of the stanches supporters of Disclosure to the BS.
Ask yourself the hard questions:
How can your W help you if she doesn't know what happened?
YOU are going to be continuing to lie to her by omission. How?
Your W is going to see you struggling with "something" (very doubtful you can deal with this without some type of emotional response, guilt, anger, sorrow, ect,.).
Unfortunately, since you are hiding this from her, she will MISTAKE what it is your going through. Most likely as a woman she will internalize this "problem" you are dealing with as something to do with her.

And you'll just let her go there with that false "feeling" because you think that is a better way to go then the truth.
How disrespectful is that to your W?

Next, I believe you may not ever really "Deal" with this without your W knowing.
Yes, it will be much easier (IN the short term) and convenient for you to just attempt to "bury" these feelings, to ignore this (in your eyes) one time mistake.
This is not going to do you any good personally in healing and getting to move on from this.
What lesson will you have learned by doing that?

Lastly, if the shoe were on the other foot....wouldn't YOU WANT to know?
Really think about that.
If you said yes, then why would you not treat your W (whom you claim to love, honor and cherish) with the same respect and dignity you yourself would expect (or at least want)?

In any case, what have you decided??