I am near breaking point at this stage I am a chrisfollower,sinner and extremely grateful for the Lords grace or otherwise I would by now have been a relapsed alchoholic,divorced and not writing this I have been married 22 years 2 daughters (not particularly perturbed by the goings on happy that they have TV to themselves and enjoying all the attention being heaped onto them by their dad who by definition now has to spend dedicated time with them as I only see them on a monday night for supper and every alternate weekend)our marriage has had many problems mostly caused by me 5 years ago things came to a head and she threw me out because of my drinking and staying out with the boys 4 months later the Lord came into my life and we reconciled all four of us got extremely involved in our local church I even delivered sermons on a friday morning to the homeless at the soupkitchen I then bought a business and at this business there was scope for creative people to use their initutaive so I posted a message in the church bulletin and along came this girl 10 years younger than me and we spoke and agreed on what she wanted to do I helped her get started bought material and gave her free space to operate her garden business from

Some months later she started being in my office more and more frequently in the beginning asking advice but later on she started appearing with her mini skirt and I eventually gave in to this temptation for the next year I was constantly being told to meet her here and there in an absolute state at each meeting crying severe erectile disfunction she eventually told me the only way to get out of this mess is to tell my wife which I did she told me that if my wife takes me back she will dissapear from the community,church etc if my wife kicks me out she will be there my wife did not kick me out but she did not dissapear and kept in contact with me via fonecalls,sms 2 months later she develops cancer and has to go for treatment so all is quite or contacts few after treatment she recovers to again work by now she has been banned from my premises but now the contacts again start she resumes church attendance and now my wife sees her on sundays and she is talking to my wifes close friends and our kids which caused a major conflict between us virtualy every sunday the church had told us that they would ask her to leave after I told my wife but they did not any way so here I am sitting with this problem of this woman not leaving the community as promised An unarranged per chance meeting takes place between the 2 of us and I have this crazy idea to give her what she wants sex and then tell her to leave and finally get the message that I am married and not interested
The crazy idea (all 5 min of it)works she so enraged she wants nothing to do with me but a couple days later she contacts my wife and tells her. Now after the initial affair my wife tried to arrange a meeting with other through a counsellor as she explained she just had to talk to her to break the ice so to speak other disagreed to this meeting and my wife had a serious problem with that using the analogy of a person you owe money but now have to duck and dive this person as you are to scared to come face to face with him/her so when other tells my wife I deny , knowing that such a denial will cause a meeting not the one hoped for but a meeting
They subsequently meet where other tells my wife and then my wife and pastor confronts me and I concur explaining my motives.
I am asked to leave the house and the church until matter is resolved. I am now 2 months away from home reading and studying whatever I lay my hands on severely depressed have to attend strange churches have this arrangement with kids thank the Lord daily for their attitude no in fact support but in nomansland as my wife has stated that she is not thinking of divorce but needs space and I off course being a "if their is a problem fix it now and get on with it" type of person am frustrated as I cannot right what I have caused dont now how long I am in nomansland dont now what to do and time just creaps literally creaps past and I do not sleep even knowing that a reconciliation wll take place in future.
I am well aware that my explanation although credible in my eyes can be construed as a denial of an affair and in fact is so seen by my wife but I fully take all responsibility for my actions and am severely distressed at the hurt and pain I caused yet unable to explain when asked "are you aware of the extreme pain and hurt you have caused" in words.
I find myself not thinking of anything else except the mess I caused and my work is beginning to suffer and this knowing full well that a reconciliation is to take place in future knowing that the whole church is praying for us just how long is "give me space"

bump

You need to send OW a no contact letter. It should say that you love your wife and are working on your marriage, and want no contact with OW. Then show it to your wife and have your wife send it.

Next you can write your wife and tell her you are sorry and would like to go to counseling with her.

Thanks believer

I told OW that I wanted no contact with her that was the reason for going to tell wife OW has subsequently dissapeared and not tried to contact me she has also been told to leave the church at present dont now her whereabouts nor do I want to and wife knows that.

I suggested counseling but wife says she 1st wants "space" hence my dilema as to how long do I alow space until she contacts me or must I contact her in say a 2 or 3 weeks an indefnite period in no mans land can lead to further problems and I think there should be reasonableness from both sides but how do I know I have given her areasonable time period or am I wrong in my thinking ?

bassie - This is such a huge shock to the betrayed spouse that it takes time to even believe that it is real.

The MB program suggests a no contact letter, for the benefit of the betrayed spouse. So I would suggest that you do that.

If your wife needs space, then give it to her. But I would send her a letter telling her how sorry you are, and explaining what a mistake this was (if that is the way you feel).

thanks believer
what I have done is signed an addendum to our marriage contract that should I contact with OW or have A in future my half of our combined estate goes to wife

believer can u reply to my last post please