okay long story short, my h stayed out all nite one too many times, i snapped and threw his clothes out the back door. now i'm miserable and can't sleep without him. it's so easy for me to tell other people what they should do in difficult situations but when it comes to my h, i turn to jello. i can't seem to make a rational decision when it comes to him. i asked him this morning does this mean that were separating? first he said no, then he said i dont know.please help me from driving myself crazy. he stopped by my work yesterday to drop off 400$ to pay my parking tickets and my phone bill, and all i wanted to do is cry and beg him not to leave me. i love him so much but he drives me crazy, and being away from him makes me feel worse. d isn't saying anything about this, doesn't know the details, and has been better behaved.damage control?

Shelly, you need to get control of your emotions. If your H is having an affair you've already done a few things to make it worse.

Stop all behavior that is an emotional reaction. Get his clothes out of the yard. Start kissing his butt.

Read everything on this site about building a strong marriage and start DOING IT!

i was of the same opinion myself. i called him up and said i wanted him to stop by tonite so we could talk things out and he said he would stop by later on. what should i say? when i follow my emotions things just get worse. he sounds extremely tired and crabby.

You should call him back and cancel..

you should not meet with him until you are in control...and you should practice being and staying in control...

also if he is tired and crabby then this is not the time to talk either....

you need to stop all the chaos in your world and from your mouth...

ark....

define control, ark....

I'm with Ark - cancel until you get better control of yourself, and I know that is hard. You should be in Plan A. You can read about it in the link on my signature line.

It helps if you just pretend like they are mentally ill, or kidnapped by aliens. Then you won't take it so personally.

shelly that's really funny...
I hope you are kidding...

ark

not really. i've felt out of control for the past 3 months, and this is becoming the norm for us. i take it crying is out of the question? i just came back from bally's and am too tired to argue or fight right now. maybe i need you guy's to tell me like i'm dumb what to say because i keep doing the wrong thing. it's very hard for me to just sit back and let suspicious behavior go on like its unnoticed. its extremely difficult for me to just let him stay out all night and pretend to accept a stupid excuse.

Does his behavior make you feel safe?

Shelly -

I was just like you at first, before I found this site. On D-day, I threw WH out of the house, and threw his clothes in the dumpster.

I tossed the Christmas presents out in the street at Christmas.

All of this craziness does not help. You need to settle down, calm yourself, and formulate a plan to save your marriage.

orchid, i'm not really afraid of anything or anyone, so i can't say i don't feel safe with him gone from the house. the only thing that frightens me is the thought of living without him. i need real help here, to stop me from doing anything else to throw more fuel on the fire. should i apoligize for throwing his junk in the yard? or should i tell him he had it coming for not coming home when he said he'd be there and not answering his phone for 2 hours?

If anything, perhaps consider telling him that you've experienced a big wake up call and you are committed to making your marriage better than either of you ever dreamed.

Now, do you believe he's having an affair?

WAT

Get ahold of the book His Needs/Her Needs. Read the basic concept section above and take the Emotional Needs questionnaire.

R u dealing with A issues as well?

If you can do some phone counseling with Steve Harley here @ MB, it w/b great. Start with you and add your H if he is willing. If he isn't you will learn how to work on you and he will come in when he is ready.

Learn not to push him or tell him what he needs to do. You will learn how to 'show' him and have him accept it. This is an art that takes a while to master.

You have some homework ahead. You both have anger issues plus other issues to deal with. POJA and radical honesty are missing from you M. Read the book I suggested for starters.

As for throwing his clothes, I can sense it is frustration. If this is so, let him know his conduct (don't explain or describe it) makes you feel unsafe. Just like that. Not safe. Safe is a more neutral word and more defined word than love. Based on his response, you can determine if you want to pick up the clothes or leave them there. The wounds are still fresh. But you don't have to make them bigger.

take care,
L.

well you are still way to focused on him and his behavior...and still talking your own fog talk about still wanting him when you need to look at your actions and behaviors that are wantable as well..

here's what I told you in your last post..it remains the same..

the reason why it is so hard is because you haven't started any of yet...but once you gain control over one little aspect of this...it will only get easier and easier...

here's the post remember.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

you need to look at your own participation in these patterns...and change your role in them......

Start first with deciding that your home is a sanctuary for you, your daughter, and your husband...

that YOU stop all yelling no matter what...take control of your tone of voice and it's level...
it doesnt work...as you can see...

so you get in control of that first.

second...STOP all disrepectfull attacks on your husband...they just diffuse any opportunity you have to have any real conversation on any issues...

shelly let go of the affair issues right now..you need a really good plan A in which you get control of your behavior...atleast a month to six weeks....and during this month to six week you make you primary focus your daughters health and well being..

without powerstruggling...you do whatever it is you need to do to make her safe....
and home must be safe...which does not mean home is a place without boundaries or rules...cause homes like that are not safe at all...
we show our love through our rules and boundaries...as well as acceptance of individuality....
(yeah I got all the answers don't I... so much more easier said than done....)

so you set goals for yourself...

1...daughter...safety and counseling.
2. duagther ...family counseling with our without hubby...and no power struggling..respond to his dislike with only love and softness...

"dear I realize that you are of the opinion that counseling is for the birds...but right now this is what her doctor recomends..and we are going."

NO POWER STRUGGLING that...

there is tinges of abuse...(and I am not one to use that term lightly that alarm me..)

his degrading of your friends...
his telling you that and he told me "i'm proud to have you at home"

be wary of his attempts to isolate you from friends and family and belittle your self esteem...

I am also concerned because you say the following things...

but we love each other too much to just throw in the towel.

and yet there is very little love or respect in your home...

take control of the tone of the house shelly..
you can't control or change him...
choose out of most if not all of the name calling and accusations in the house and let it go..

you two are caught in a vicious cycle...and your daughter is a victim..
self mutilation and carving is a huge emotional release for people that constructively let go of their pain...
it's very serious....

take care of you shelly
take care of your daughter
take care of your home..
focus on those things first....and once you have gotten those things under control you will be stronger, in more control, and better able to rationalize with the alien...


posted July 16, 2004 07:15 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i really have tried to gain control over myself but i can't seem to let the a go. if i let myself sit and think, i feel myself starting to crack

I know it's hard...
but you must start with yourself...
and you must stop the mean and rude comments..
all they do is solidfy his "reasons" for avoiding you and seeking others...

It plays right in to his hand..ughhh...

or him loving someone else just KILLS me. and thats when i start trying to see what he's up to. you know, he talks in his sleep all the time, he's always telling me he loves me,

for six weeks you should purge the word love from your vocabulary...

someone who verbally attacks you ....isn't loving...and doesn't understand the meaning of love...

and that goes for you also ...when you both are readily prone to just let the creul verbal attacks fly...it just destroys the atmospbere in which the words love can thrive and have real meaning...

you need to learn to be able to love your spouse...even when at your agriest at their actions....and YOU aren't there yet...regardless of where he is on the spectrum....

shell ...imagine that each encounter you two have will be peaceful and respectful...even when there is conflict of issues..the goa is for two adults to work it out...
you see posts here of people learning to do it..some for the first time..some the first in a long time etc...

you gotta let go of what he is doing..
cause he will do whatever he chooses..
you can't change it..

so let it go...
and do the work at home first...
you can't powerstuggle it
you can't confront it
none of that works...

you want his attention then start acting different and interesting and in control..

the truth is that since both of you are so volatile...neither of you have created a safe environment to hear the truth about anything...

Shell it is hard...hard hard hard..
but what are your other options..
continue in the chaos??
continue to have empty words of love and empty acts of affection when both are really afraid to be real and connect honestly.

Shel ..
this is your time..
to get control and change in you what is not serving your marriage ..
find freedom in letting go worrying about what he is doing or not doing...

ark

hey shelley
I'm new here myself ... just found out the H has an EA ... I'm also a survivor of chronic depression.

I have seen alot of life in 37 years. I have found things that work to calm your mind. For one thing ... you know that wasn't build in a day? It took one day at a time (sometimes one minute at a time). Chill. You don't really know anything for sure, so you may be getting yourself worked up for nothing (I'm not trying to diminish your situation - in any way, shape, or form).

Calm down ... Breathe ... deep and really fill you lungs ... now let it out.

In other words ... stop ... think ... fill your mind with good things ... let them out. Get control. There you've got it

Hang in there. It's not easy (I know for sure). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ark, by the time i had read that post of yours on my other thread, it was already too late, other things had already happened, and i really feel like i'm losing my mind most days. i guess i just start at square 1 again. i wont call him to ask when he's coming, if he shows up, he does. if i tell him to forget about it he'll just think i'm going out somewhere else and that will really piss him off. we had a major blowup over that in which he told me i can't go clubbing or to any bars because he doesn't trust me. like i'm the one who had the affair. he thinks everything i do is designed to pay him back for his cheating.i just want to have a nice life with my family, whats so wrong about that? maybe i'll just be quiet for once and let him talk if he will. no crying, no accusations. see what he says.....

shelly

you have two choices...
two..\
continue in all of the known power struggle you two do over and over and over again...

or you choose out of those same patterns...

darn straight you better start from scratch...
you start simple...

with internal rules...

1. no matter what is said or yelled in this home...shelly will NOT raise her voice...infact the louder others get the softer and quieter shelly will get....period...

2. No matter what shelly will not call her husband a name no matter what..no matter what names she is called ...shelly will not call him a name.......period.....

3.. if he shows up shelly will not say 'forget about it"...shelly will say...

you look tired..
I feel tired...
lets not talk tonight...
lets just rest

i just want to have a nice life with my family,

so then why do you keep taking part in the chaos, insane powerstuggling and same old arguements....

how many times have you two argued over clubbing...

shelly I am not trying to be hard on you..but if you WANT things different...then YOU better ACT different....

ark

well, i couldn't stop myself and i called him. i asked if he was still coming and he said yes, in a few. at least i didn't say anything bad. i talked in my sweet voice, told him about my day, and asked him about his. i'm so scared of blowing this, like i've screwed up everytime i try to gain control over my battered emotions. guess that one saying is true, can't live with 'em can't live without 'em. its going to be so hard to try to be calm when i feel like i'm drowning. maybe he won't even show up. i can't take another night of no sleep, i haven't slept in 3 days more than a few hours.

well, i couldn't stop myself and i called him

well see you could have...infact this is exactly one of those small tiny goals to accomplish that empower you to do it again and again..


shell...the truth is that people resist things much harder than a phone call..

you have to believe in YOUR ability to do this...
you desperately want things to change...yet YOU repeat and behave the same over and over and over...
there is a bigger picture here...

things are they same as last week...cause you couldn't read the posts that offer insight and advice...
and things will be the same next week,
next month,
this fall,
christmas spent with ups and downs...
next year...six months from today..etc..
all the same..
disrespect
powerstruggles over your going out clubbing
powerstruggles over him not coming home...

is that what you want...
It is NOT as hard as you make you want to make..
its actually tiny tiny tiny things...
like not calling...
not huge
tiny...

ark

well, he came home. i took orchids advice and didn't say anything, he seemed happy to be home. other than asking me sarcastically are you SURE you want me here? isaid yes, and i said sorry for chucking his stuff out the door, i just don't like when you tell me one thing and do another. then i gave him a pedicure and we went to sleep in each others arms. i'll be back later on, i may have some questions on what to do in a particular situation, going to bally's now.