Where do I start....
I have read through many posts, have had MANY LONG nights, and have a ton of guilt!
It has been 10 months since the A ended but the contact still continues. It is sometimes on his part, sometimes on my part. We both work in the same profession- I have stepped down from a position I held and dropped out of several orgs where I knew there would be a chance for contact. My H knows of the affair OMs wife does not. She is in the same profession as we are and has questioned OM several times regarding our relationship and has said her "gut" tells her it has happened. He has denied it to her for months. Our profession is one that word gets around and the word is getting around of what had went on and I fear OM is destroying my reputation professionally in trying to keep this from his wife.
I know the contact NEEDS to stop. I am sad, hurt and now have feelings of anger. My H is aware of all the contact- his patience I know is running short. I want peace. I know telling OM wife would not make me feel better but I would know the truth is out there.
I am turning 32 next month and when I was celebrating #31 the A was going on- it has taken up too much of my life and I want to move on. I have written two NC letters- and as you can see I have failed.
HELP!

Although I am on the opposite end of the spectrum than you (my H I am pretty sure is having 2 EA's), I applaud your efforts- your H knows about the A, you have written the NC letters, you continue to be honest with your H about the contact from OM, you have stopped going to events where OM might be, etc. I don't think you have failed. It seems to me that you have tried many ways and numerous times- yet the OM isn't getting the message.
Personally, (and as I said, I am on the opposite end), but I would like to see you contact the OMW- for your own reputation if nothing else. Question- if your H was having an A- would you want the OW to tell you about it????

I am responsible as well for some of the contact that has been made.....
I would hope that if I asked my H(on several occassions as she has) that he would tell me truth about the A and come clean so we could work on it. I would be devestated but would rather hear it from him. If he never told me the truth though I would want someone to tell me so I would knw.
I have a question- is there anyone who believes that there is a time to NOT tell a spouse of an affair. I now the what Dr Harleys book says but the OM blames much of this on me for being honest with my H. Yes- it has turned our life upside down but I have faith in the end it will be stronger if I can let go of my guilt and now this anger I have....

guilty,

Where you start depends on what you want to accomplish. You say you are still in contact with OM, which I assume is not just a casual "hello", but more intense. As long as that is going on you are in an affair, often referred to as an emotional affair, EA.

So if you want to end the affair OM's W needs to know and the person that should tell her is your H. He needs to do this for her, and for your marriage. That is assuming that one of the things you want to start is rebuilding your marriage.

I would also like to suggest buying Surviving an Affair by Harley, there are a few others out there that are really good, but I have not read them, and only know what I hear. So get this and read it, and you will begin to understand what is going on.

You could read the articles here, as they are full of information. I will say that if you want to start to end the affair, NO CONTACT is a must.

You said you are sad, hurt, and have feelings of anger. Why? you did all of this yourself. All of this was your choice and clearly it was something you wanted more than your marriage so who are you angry at? It appears that you are even getting a second chance from your H. So why are you sad?

Time to stop focusing on you and have a look around. There is plenty of damage to consider; your marriage, your OM's marriage. I don't know if children are involved in either marriage but they have been damaged.

So first decide what it is you want. I will tell you that guilt is a little late. Guilt is what you are supposed to have in order to NOT do something you know you shouldn't. Remorse is the emotion that will lead you to action and rectifying the situation caused by what guilt failed to stop you from doing.

Finally you mentioned that your H's patience is running low. Not only is he losing patience but gradually he is losing love for you. You indicated that you have now been in the affair for a year? Is that right? How long has your H known? How long have you continued to disrespect him by continuing contact with OM?

Next time you write a NC letter, you do it WITH your H and have him sign it. You send it AFTER your H has told OM's W, and then you adhere to it and seek your H's support when you have strong cravings to contact OM. Call your H, this is like fighting an addiction and it is rare that someone can do this alone. You are not alone, you have your H, let him help you.

So do some reading, then do some serious talking with your H and I do hope you decide to really end this.

God Bless,

JL

Guilty,
You may not know it but you've heard from the master, JL. He helped me so long ago.

He said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So if you want to end the affair OM's W needs to know and the person that should tell her is your H. He needs to do this for her, and for your marriage. That is assuming that one of the things you want to start is rebuilding your marriage.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This in a nutshell should be your plan for NC. Once his W knows it'll be nearly impossible for him to contact you and if he does your H call the W and tells her.

So no need for more typing, you've gor your mission go out and do it.

Come here for support when you fell like calling the weasel. Call your H for support.

By continuing contact you lessen the likelihood of recovery.

Mac

Guilty, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a question- is there anyone who believes that there is a time to NOT tell a spouse of an affair.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe I will be ‘fired’ for saying the following, but I do believe there can sometimes be exceptions on telling the OP’s spouse about the A – where it remains the OP’s responsibility to be honest with his/her spouse about his/her own actions & feelings. IMO, it all depends on the seriousness of the A and type of involvement. However, I'm not 100% sure... I was involved in a e-mail friendship which became inappropriate and beginning of EA. Because the EA never reached the stage where we exchanged verbal and/or physical expressions of love towards each or discussed our spouses or marriages, me & my H decided not to tell OM’s W. Although I’ve become emotionally very attached and attracted to OM and although have gone through intense withdrawal for many months, I don’t really know if OM ever experienced the same emotional attachment and inappropriate feelings towards me. Probably not. I do know that till the end and even after my H discovered one of OM’s inappropriate e-mails to me, OM never viewed our involvement as an EA of any sort, but only as ‘friendship’. However, I think OM never viewed the damage of the EA to my M and H in a very serious light, because it was never necessary for him to take the consequences of the EA in his own marriage and towards his own wife and I must admit it do bother me from time to time that OM’s W never had the chance to know the truth. However, my H still thinks the type of our invovelment didn't justify telling his W.

Just wanted to share my thoughts on this.

suzet*
thanks fot the reply. our relationship was physical and emotional. maybe to some extent i do want her to know because i feel then "the truth" will be out there and no matter what is said by others who claim to know the details she has heard it from me and what she believes from there is on her.
I want some peace in my heart.....
i am going to write another NC letter with my husband as suggested.
i know this sounds stupid given the basis of affairs and how they start but i thought so highly of OM and once we had discused stopping A so we could work on our marriages that he was the type that would come clean with his spouse.
instead he thinks me telling H was the worst thing that i could have done. i may suffer now but i have faith we are going to better.
my C gave me this quote " the truth will set you free but at first it will make you miserable!"

Considered the seriousness and type of A you were in, I definitely think the OM’s W needs to know about it. It will be very difficult & painful to tell her, but it will be the right thing to do and will help you to get some peace for yourself.

By the way, the quote from your C is so true! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good luck and blessings,
Suzet

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Suzet*:
<strong> Guilty, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a question- is there anyone who believes that there is a time to NOT tell a spouse of an affair.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe I will be ‘fired’ for saying the following, but I do believe there can sometimes be exceptions on telling the OP’s spouse about the A – where it remains the OP’s responsibility to be honest with his/her spouse about his/her own actions & feelings. IMO, it all depends on the seriousness of the A and type of involvement. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With all due respect to our dear Suzet... I heartely disagree with part of her opinion...


For me... there is only ONE good reason to NOT tell....

That reason is, IF telling it puts someone in REAL physical danger...

You don't tell an angry spouse who has a history of violence ....

Beyond that, I see no valid reason.

Who decides the "seriousness of the affair" ? This is too subjective to be left to the betrayers to decide .... HA! It is ADULTERY .... isn't that serious enough? Isn't it up to the unknowing betrayed spouse to decide if this ADULTERY / BETRAYAL is a serious enough threat to her / his marriage?

Thanks for hearing another opinion....

Pep

Just a quick point here...

Not that I'd ever disagree with JL anyway, but I want to repeat a point made earlier.

Have your husband tell the other man's wife. If you tell her, it could come across as a jealous woman, lying to hurt him or their marriage, or any number of other interpretations, even though she already has suspicions. But when she hears it from your husband, from someone who would be "in the same boat" as her, it'll be much easier for her to accept the truth of it all.

Best of luck to you. You sound like you're already a step or three ahead of the curve.

thanks to everyone for their posts- i am going to discuss this with my H tonigh and go from there.
regardless of telling her or not, i now see the importance of the NC and sticking to it. i have recently started some meds because of the depression and anyone having any suggesions and things to do to get through the withdrawl i would appreciate it- i used to think there was no way this could be compared to an addiction- WOW- i was wrong.

Hmm, getting through the withdrawal...well, I'll speak from my history of problems with drugs and alcohol, combined with my easily addicted personality.

My basic suggestion is to replace that old addiction with a new one, preferably something healthy. Best of all would be to start having a burning, searing, raging inferno of an affair with the man you married. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Or maybe something a bit more mundane, like starting a project to redecorate a room in the house or something. That's just one idea, but it worked for me for a bit, and I profess myself as being a guy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

But whatever it is, maybe just finding something that you can plan for, something that you can look forward to, something that can keep you occupied for hours at a time, and something that you can be proud of yourself for doing will be something that helps you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>Who decides the "seriousness of the affair" ? This is too subjective to be left to the betrayers to decide .... HA! It is ADULTERY .... isn't that serious enough? Isn't it up to the unknowing betrayed spouse to decide if this ADULTERY / BETRAYAL is a serious enough threat to her / his marriage?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Pep,

I have noticed you didn’t direct your reaction on my post directly to me and I respect that, but I want to respond to you anyway (if you don’t mind).

If you read my post very carefully you will see that I used my OWN circumstances and situation as an explanation of my answer to Guilty, and that ADULTERY was never a part of my situation…

If you have read my post even more carefully, you will see that I NEVER said the decision must be left to the betrayers to decide… I’ve made it very clear in my post that MY HUSBAND thought the type of our involvement didn't justify telling OM’s wife.

Thanks giving me the opportunity to correct the wrong words you laid in my mouth…

Suzet

Today is a really bad day.........
My H and I have talked regarding him calling OMs wife...Not much response from him other than he feels H OM should tell him. I know that he will never admit it to her...
Has anyone found out from OM/OW or their spouses? What should he say when he calls?

Previous message seemed confusing... Sorry
My H thinks OM needs to tell his wife....

"Thanks giving me the opportunity to correct the wrong words you laid in my mouth…"

Suzet, thanks to you as well. Much appreciated clarification.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Your H is right, but OM will do this in all likelihood. And your H telling Om's W helps to set up the no contact that you and your H need. He should not be doing this for revenge, but to help you and he rebuild the marriage by letting the OM's W know what is going on.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>Suzet, thanks to you as well. Much appreciated clarification.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep, I’m so glad you accepted my clarifying post. Thank you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> As I’ve said in my earlier post, it do bothers me that XOM never had the chance to take the consequences of our inappropriate friendship in his own marriage and towards his own wife. I also know if I was OM’s W, I would definitely like to know about his inappropriate actions and friendship… However, from my H’s point of view, I can understand how telling OM’s W would probably result in unnecessary damage & pain to OM’s W and M, since our friendship crossed the boundaries into the beginning of an EA and never progressed to adultery & serious betrayal. However, taking into account that I developed very inappropriate feelings and emotional attachment towards OM, I know I committed “adultery of the heart”. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> If I read all the post of FWW’s, I recognize that I experienced almost the same level and intensity of pain & withdrawal as someone who was involved in a full blown EA and/or PA. However, I know emotionally men are wired up differently than women and don’t struggle as much as women with withdrawal from an emotional attachment (especially if the A didn’t progress to a physical level), and this is probably part of the reason why H felt it wasn’t necessary to tell OM’s W.

Guilty, I hope you don’t mind me explaining this to Pep. I don’t want to highjack your thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Guilty, I understand your H’s reasons not wanting to tell the OM’s W, but I agree with JL that OM will do this in all likelihood and that it will be in all the parties best interest to tell her.

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 03:53 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Dear 22,

It's not because you stopped having sex with OM that the affair has endend. By the way you describe it it's like broke up with your highschool sweetheart but you still see him, want to talk to him, make it "right" somehow. That means you're still "hooked", he still has influence over you and that has to stop. You have to become your own person again.

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 03:31 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

Thanks for the replys- I needed them.
Last night my H and I had a huge blowup(it was due I think- he has really never been angry). I ended up leaving and stayed with a friend(girlfriend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and came home a few hours ago. Today is our 9th anniv- this sucks <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> !
H has finally decided he will call OMW. I am sure OM has already prepared his stories as he has given her up until this point when she has confronted him about it.
This may be silly question- but what does he say to OMW without sounding like he is just "out to get him"? Then I worry OM will hate me- know it shouldn't matter but it does. Please tell me this goes away- caring about what he thinks. My prayer everynight is "Lord please take the hurt away!" I think I need to go back to the anit-depr meds. I took myself off- HUGE MISTAKE but I am still going to C.
When will the tears stop??????? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />