My WH has went on a letter writing campaign. So far my grandmother, two best friends, mother, stepfather, and brother have received letters.
They talk about how he is remorseful for the pain he has caused the family and he thanks them for being their for me. He also states that it was a breakdown in communication and that he has learned he needs to communcicate. He even gave my brother advice.

What is the point of all of these letters? Is he scared to face these people at my delivery?

durham -

Sweetie - Don't worry about it. He is still in fogland. The problem was not communication, but the OW. This is just more justification to make him look better. Ignore him.

Well, you've made it this far. Thank God. Take care of you, and don't even think about WH.

Looking forward to the birth of your little one.

Curious thing this letter business... did they all get the same letter?

Do you think he might be trying to stick his toe back into the marriage .... by going around to the family?

Weird.

Pep

The letters were different. The ones to my friends were short thank you for being their for me.
My family got longer drawn out ones thanking them for always being their for him throughout his life.

Durham - Get some sleep tonight, and eat good. Don't try to figure out what this guy is doing.

The letters could be an attempt to reach out for attention or understanding or sympathy for himself or even approval of how he is "concerned" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> about you and the baby.

Whatever the motivation, it's a Plan B effect I bet.

I believe you should ask your family to ignore them.

WAT

The letters to my family stated that he takes full responsibility for his actions. They also seemed like farewell letters. Thanking them for being a great family to him over the years.

I think the only justification for doing this was to make himself feel better. It did absolutely nothing for my family. It doesn't change that he is an adulterer, liar, and left his pregnant wife for another woman.

The letters to my family stated that he takes full responsibility for his actions. They also seemed like farewell letters. Thanking them for being a great family to him over the years.

I think the only justification for doing this was to make himself feel better. It did absolutely nothing for my family. It doesn't change that he is an adulterer, liar, and left his pregnant wife for another woman.

No one will be responding to the letters. I want to ask him what the point was but I will not. He will be moving his things into an apartment in the next couple weeks. Our 4th wedding anniversary is Thursday.

Durham - It is just his guilt. My WH wrote to my dad about what a wonderful wife I was, and that it was all my WH's fault. How does that help? It doesn't. It just lets them continue doing what they are doing, while feeling a little better about it.

Forget all about it, and get ready for that little one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The letters to my family stated that he takes full responsibility for his actions. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wrong. He's not taking full responsibility. Other people -- especially you -- are picking up the responsibilities he's abandoned.

I really hope he won't be present at delivery, durham. You need him like a moose needs a hatrack.

I agree with A.M. I'm not sure if it is a good idea to let him in the delivery room. He hasn't been there for you during your pregnancy when you needed him most, what makes him think that he deserves to witness the birth of his first child? Only to run back hom to OW later on and tell her all about it???

Writing letter to you family and friends is just another sick trick to ease his consiciousness. You should tell them to ignore any letters he writes. He doesn't mean it. Unless he ends the A, has NC with OW and starts actively working on his marriage, I would ignore anything and everything he does and just worry about yourself.

Kati

Sounds like a fog-induced attempt at making himself feel better... he's sure not thinking about anyone else! Geez, did he think that everyone would just smile warmly when they read his letter and forget about everything??? OMG, what an absolute idiot!

Please ignore this beast. Don't let him in the delivery if at all possible (I know this will be a VERY difficult decision).

Valve for releasing guilt and remorse.

WSs try to make pretty words to make themselves feel better while their actions remain unchanged.

GC

Durham,

You are an amazing and strong woman! I have been following your story and I just wanted you to know how much I admire you and that I'm praying for you & your baby.

I'm new to the board, so I hesitate to give advice, but I've received great advice that I want to share with you that I think is appropriate for your situation... (I'll summarize) .... Ignore what your WH has said/written. Words are meaningless - you need to look at his actions or you'll just set yourself up for more heartache. If he's still in the A and is still in contact w/ OW, then don't have any contact with him. He needs to feel the full effect of Plan B and the consequences of his A before he might start coming out of the fog. So, don't let him in the delivery room. It is not a bonding moment for you because he is not the man you married right now. Think of him as the equivalent of a stranger who has hurt you and has done nothing to show you that he cares for you and can be trusted to be near you or your baby. Would you let a stranger like that in the delivery room? No, so don't do it. Surround yourself with loving family and friends.

Take care,
c

I might be the only who feels this way, but here goes -

Once this baby is born it is no longer about Durham and her WH, it is about the baby. And the baby deserves to have two loving parents who can put their personal differences aside and be friends and coparents. The best place for this to begin is in the delivery room. And if she prevents her WH from being there, when he wants to be then he will resent her and he will miss a moment that he will never get back if they do get back together, and they very well could. The OW should be forbidden anywhere near the hospital, though.

I had my daughters father at the hospital with me, I even MADE him take me. He left shortly after delivery to be with his girlfriend and I didn't really care that much. He fell in love with my daughter at the moment she was born, he was first to hold her and bathe her. He had a new found love and respect for me seeing what I went through and that I allowed him to be there.
I did not want to get back with him after that but he did (a few months later).

Durham is strong enough to have him there and if it bothers her the doctor will ask him to leave. Her doctor will be very intuned to what is going on in that room. Mine was and asked me if I wanted my X to leave when he started flirting with a nurse. I said no, and am now glad I did. He loves my daughter with all his heart, and she him.

Regarding durham's H's presence at delivery - let's break this down to two easily agreed upon facts:

1. H has no "moral" business being there. Just the thought of him showing up makes my blood boil.

2. weaver has a point regarding the baby having two loving parents (if you can call H a parent <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) H's presence may help establish for him some parental responsibility, regardless of what happens in the marriage.

This is what I wrote to durham on her most recent other post:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm tempted to say keep the slimeball away from the delivery, if you legally can. But as a Dad myself, witnessing two deliveries, being at delivery had a powerful impact on me and confirmed my repsect, admiration, and love for my wife. For me it was the ultimate bonding. Similarly, it could have a huge impact on your H.

Then again, I hadn't been abducted by aliens.

I wish I knew the perfect answer for you about this aspect.

Just do what you believe is right for you and the baby. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thoughts?

WAT

I haven't kept up with durham's story, so it's hard to say what I would do. But after going through Plan A, I definitely recommend WS be at the delivery. Our baby is the main reason FWS decided to give our M a chance.

BS' in Plan A have to do some very difficult things. It is not for wimps! It's hard to think about others especially when you're in the middle of labor, but the best thing for your M (and potentially for your baby) is for WS to be at the delivery.

It will be a bittersweet time whether he is there or not.

This was all discussed in another thread. We had BWs writing whose WHs were dashing out of the delivery room to phone OWs. We had BWs weeping with betrayal while their new babies were in their arms.

Durham's WH so far is not a borderline case -- he's not fence-sitting; he's out. He's filed for D, and is writing letters apologizing for his abandonment of his family. Sure a baby "deserves" two loving parents -- but this baby isn't getting one so far.

The moment of childbirth is a very exposed and vulnerable one for a mother. She will be naked. She's likely to be screaming. It's a time she needs emotional support of family and friends. Her emotional state can make the difference between an easy childbirth, and a traumatic one.

And again: it's only in the past 40 years that husbands were allowed in the delivery room at all. My father wasn't -- for any of the five kids -- and he was a great dad. Sure, y'all find it an emotional experience. But it's a privilege; not a right.

Durham - Of all these letters of remorse that went out, did one go to you? Has WH ever expressed this remorse to you? Has he ever apologozed for hurting and betraying you? If not, I think this is very important to point out to all the people who got his letters. I would love to hear that one of your family and friends confronted him about this very important fact. Not that it would probably do any good, but you never know.

My delivery plan:

If I feel up to it and the delivery is going smoothly (ephidural working) I will allow WH in the room to see the birth as an observer. I will have my mother and best friend as coaches and my best friend will cut the chord. After that H can leave and visit the next few days then visitation will begin.
I am still in a little shock that he has chosen to abandon his wife and child but that is his loss. In a few weeks it will be all about my son and nothing else. I can't wait!!!