I'm new to this forum and am looking for someone to tell me I'm not crazy.

My husband and I have been together for 19 years (married for almost 16). I found out in January that he had been having an affair for the last 3 years. During this time, I knew something was up but couldn't put my finger on it. I even came out and asked him several times if he was having an affair and he lied to my face. Long story short....his girlfriend thinks he's been separated for the last 3 years. I told him to leave her but he would not. When I asked him to leave in Feb. he moved in with her and told her his lease was up. His relationship is based on a lie. He says he loves her and has fallen out of love with me....He confides in me...He tells me they fight constantly, she isn't as patient and loving as I am, that he questions daily why he did what he did but he just can't bring himself to leave her because he loves her. He says I was always his soul mate and he knows she will never take my place. So why has he has lowered his standards and why is he putting up with her? I've asked him to come home. I'd rather see him alone than with her. I truly love him still and just want the opportunity to try and put our lives back together. He never gave me this opportunity. He convinced himself that I didn't love him anymore and so looked for affection elsewhere (????) If it doesn't work out, at least we'll have tried. I just gave him the divorce papers and am not sure that I want him to sign them. He can't make a commitment to me and won't leave her. Am I crazy for still loving him?
Tina

tina - No you are not crazy. Lots of us are going through the same thing.

Keep reading here, and start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line.

Stick with us, we will help you through this.

I was just reading through plan A and plan B. At this point, I don't think that Plan A is the way to go. He won't leave his girl friend. I was thinking I should go straight to plan B and just avoid him all together....but how do I do that when we need to communicate about the kids and the divorce papers. I'm worried that I rushed things with going to a lawyer. I thought if I pushed him, he would realize what he was losing. Now I'm afraid I created a runaway train. I was thinking about calling him tomorrow to let him know I love him but that I plan on giving him space. Plan B talks about leaving him with a positive last impression of me. What do you think. Sometimes I think I'm the addict. I've tried staying away and he always ends up calling me "just to see how I'm doing". Those phone calls leave me more empty inside than before and I end up losing any progress I make. Thanks for your reply... It makes me feel like I'm not alone out there.

Tina

I was just reading through plan A and plan B. At this point, I don't think that Plan A is the way to go. He won't leave his girl friend. I was thinking I should go straight to plan B and just avoid him all together....but how do I do that when we need to communicate about the kids and the divorce papers. I'm worried that I rushed things with going to a lawyer. I thought if I pushed him, he would realize what he was losing. Now I'm afraid I created a runaway train. I was thinking about calling him tomorrow to let him know I love him but that I plan on giving him space. Plan B talks about leaving him with a positive last impression of me. What do you think. Sometimes I think I'm the addict. I've tried staying away and he always ends up calling me "just to see how I'm doing". Those phone calls leave me more empty inside than before and I end up losing any progress I make. Thanks for your reply... It makes me feel like I'm not alone out there.

Tina